This blog is written for mums who were assigned female at birth, but it recognises that family structures and relationships look different for everyone in Australia. ❤️
Neurodivergent mums, especially those who are also Autistic tend to prefer routine to function. But if there’s one thing life loves to mess with, it’s an ADHD mum’s routine. Often, an ADHD mum also has a neurodivergent partner – whether they’re autistic, ADHD, or both. While their routine is treated as a necessity, hers is often seen as a luxury, even though she likely has the same neurological needs. The difference? One gets to protect their structure, while the other is expected to be endlessly flexible.
It can feel like a partner gets protections over their structured mornings like an endangered species – coffee, shower, long toilet time, whatever else they need to function. But an ADHD mum? She’s expected to be the family’s emergency response team, therapist, chef, and logistics coordinator before she’s even had a sip of caffeine.
The Great Double Standard
Here’s how this plays out in real life:
- Partner wakes up, goes through their exact routine, and isn’t interrupted because everyone knows they “need it to function.” The kids don’t even ask them..
- ADHD mum tries the same, but…
- One kid is melting down because their socks feel “wrong.”
- Another kid suddenly remembers their permission slip is due now.
- Breakfast is a battlefield.
- The dog has eaten a sock – possibly whole.
- The ADHD mum is running on overstimulation and fumes before the day even starts.
Why Does This Happen?
Because ADHD mums are expected to be flexible in ways their partners don’t have to be.
- If a partner sticks to their routine, it’s seen as reasonable and necessary.
- If an ADHD mum does the same, she’s seen as inflexible and selfish.
Why? Because she’s been conditioned to mask, accommodate, and put herself last.
But They Need Their Routine! (So Do You.)
No one is saying partners shouldn’t have their structured time. But so should ADHD mums.
This isn’t about whose needs matter more – it’s about who gets to protect theirs without guilt.
How to Shift the Balance?
If you’re watching your partner enjoy their uninterrupted morning while you’re drowning, here’s where to start:
1️⃣ Your Routine Is Just as Important
If they get 20 minutes of silence with their coffee, you get 20 minutes of whatever keeps your brain functioning – whether that’s:
☕ Drinking your own coffee without a child hanging off your leg or
Showering without being asked “Where’s the iPad?” mid-shampoo
If your partner doesn’t take on unpredictable tasks before they’re ready, neither do you.
If they aren’t constantly interrupted, you shouldn’t be either.
2️⃣ The Mental Load Needs to Be Acknowledged
If your partner gets their structured morning, it’s often because you are absorbing all the unpredictable chaos. It’s not necessarily intentional – but it happens.
If you stopped managing every micro-crisis, what would actually happen? Probably a lot of preventable stress for everyone – which means your contribution isn’t invisible just because you’re the one handling it.
3️⃣ This Won’t Be Change in One Conversation
This is a work in progress. No one is going to magically change the dynamics of their relationship overnight.
- Expect pushback – not because your partner doesn’t care, but because they might not have noticed the imbalance until now.
- Expect trial and error – years of default habits won’t change in a week.
- Expect to keep having this conversation – because partnerships aren’t a one-and-done negotiation.
You might be wondering, if both partners need structure, then who takes the interruptions?
One option – split the responsibility. If getting everyone ready in the morning takes two hours, maybe your partner handles the chaos for one hour, and you take the other.
Or rotate who takes the hit on unexpected disruptions, like last-minute school issues or sick days. Set it up like a calendar – who’s on call for the inevitable chaos today? That way, the load isn’t automatically dumped on one person every time.
4️⃣ Bottom Line: If Their Routine Matters, So Does Yours
This isn’t about competing for who gets more downtime – that’s an argument with no winners.
It’s about recognising who automatically gets their routine respected – and who doesn’t.
If you’re autistic and struggle with change and disruptions, masking the interruptions is going to dysregulate you every single day.
You’ll leave the house already frayed, and next thing you know, you’re snapping at traffic lights because you’ve spent the entire morning putting everyone else’s needs first while your own routine got steamrolled.
Then comes the guilt – lying in bed at night, replaying the moments you snapped at the kids, struggled to focus at work, or felt like you’d aged 100 years by 9 AM.
If this cycle sounds familiar, ask yourself: If I took structured time in the morning, would I actually have a better day?
Chances are, yes.
Your Needs Aren’t Optional
Now imagine if we did to our kids what we do to ourselves.
Every morning, we changed their schedule on a whim. No predictability, no warning – just a completely new routine every day.
Would that work? Absolutely not. They’d be a wreck.
Yet somehow, we expect ourselves to function like this, without question.
This isn’t about demanding the impossible; it’s about figuring out what you need and learning how to assertively ask for it.
Because often, partners don’t even realise the impact – it’s not that they don’t care, they just see the tired eyes, the tight smile and assume that’s just life.
But they don’t see what’s actually happening beneath the surface, or how much better things could be with a little more awareness and support.
Your needs aren’t optional, and neither is your sanity – so let’s stop treating them like they are.
If This Hits Home, Here’s What to Do Next
Listen to the full episode: Why Mums Are Always the Default Backup Plan (and How to Change It) – S2 Ep 69
Ready to start shifting the load? See A Kit for Recognising & Shifting the Mental Load for practical steps, real strategies, and the full episode transcript.
