Ever Wondered Why You Feel Completely Spent?
If you’re an ADHD mum (or partnered with one), you’ve probably felt that constant undercurrent of exhaustion. Not just the “I need a cup of tea” kind, but the “I might fake my own death and disappear” level of burnout.
And yet, when someone asks, “Are you a bit run down?” you can’t even begin to explain.
It’s not just about who does the dishes or picks up the kids – it’s the mental and emotional weight of managing everything, all the time. And if that’s invisible to your partner? Resentment starts brewing faster than a toddler meltdown at bedtime.
So, let’s break it down. What is the invisible load, and how can we stop it from slowly crushing us?
Resentment: The Slow Relationship Killer
You know those articles about divorce rates and what predicts them? Turns out, resentment is a big one. And it makes sense – when one person feels unseen and overburdened, things can go downhill fast.
For a lot of mums, resentment isn’t just about who’s doing what—it’s about who’s noticing what needs to be done in the first place. And when the person who is always noticing, planning, and problem-solving feels unappreciated? That’s when the cracks start forming.
This might sound familiar: You’re juggling school emails, meal prep, therapy appointments, and just trying to keep the house from looking like a crime scene. Then your partner says, “Why didn’t you get the car serviced?” And suddenly, you’re ready to set something on fire.
To them, it might be a simple reminder. To you, it’s the only thing they noticed – not the hundred other things you kept running smoothly.
More Than Just a To-Do List
Let’s get specific. Here’s what might be running through an ADHD mum’s mind at any given time:
✔️ Managing therapy schedules, school meetings, and extracurriculars
✔️ Remembering the exact brand and flavour of crackers your child will eat (and knowing it’ll change next week!)
✔️ Navigating financial stress, budgeting, and endless bills
✔️ Keeping up with medical appointments, scripts, and pharmacy runs
✔️ Maintaining family relationships and organising social events
✔️ Masking your own ADHD/autistic traits so you seem like you have it all together
And all of this?
Happening while your brain is running a non-stop commentary of everything you should have already done.
Why Neurodivergent Partnerships Struggle
For many mums, the hardest part isn’t doing everything – it’s doing everything alone while their partner is doing… what, exactly?
Often, neurodivergent partners respond to stress by doing tasks they’re comfortable with – like mowing the lawn, fixing something, or taking on big projects. And while that’s helpful, it doesn’t lighten the immediate, daily load inside the house.
To the ADHD mum, it can feel like they’re drowning while their partner is casually assembling IKEA furniture on the shore. To the partner, they’re helping – they just don’t always know what needs to be done first.
So, how do we fix this? By making the invisible load visible.
How to Make the Invisible Load Visible (Without a Fight)
1. Write it Down
List out daily, weekly, and monthly tasks – yes, all of them. When your partner says, “Just tell me what to do,” hand them that list. It’s not about assigning tasks every moment – it’s about them anticipating needs and stepping in without being asked.
2. Use Shared Systems
Google Drive, a family calendar, or a simple app – whatever works to track who’s handling what.
3. Divide and Conquer (For Real)
If they take over a task, they own it fully (no asking you where the soccer uniforms are from last week).
4. Celebrate Wins
If your partner is making an effort, acknowledge it. It’s about teamwork, not transactions or a competition on who is doing more.
5. Set Up Weekly Check-Ins
A 10-minute chat to go over the week ahead can save hours of frustration later.
It’s About Awareness, Not Blame
Sharing the mental load isn’t about a perfect 50/50 split – it’s about being on the same team. It’s about noticing what needs to be done and stepping in, not just waiting to be asked.
So here’s your challenge: Notice the invisible work this week. If you’re the ADHD mum, write it down. If you’re the partner, pay attention to what’s quietly getting done.
And if you’re both exhausted and overwhelmed, start the conversation – because when the mental load is shared, everyone wins.
Additional Resources
S2 Ep 73 – Making the Invisible Mental Load Visible: How to Share the Load Without the Stress [Part 3]. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.
S2 Ep 71 – 7 Brutally Honest Reasons ADHD Mums Stay Silent About the Mental Load [Part 2]. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.
S2 Ep 69 – Why Mums Are Always the Backup Plan (And How to Change It) [Part 1]. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.
A Kit for Making the Mental Load Visible (and Finally Sharing It). Get your copy HERE.
