fbpx Skip to main content
Blog

When Your Partner Doesn’t ‘Get’ ADHD: The Beginner’s Guide

By January 27, 2025No Comments10 min read

What if things could be easier? Less stress, fewer arguments, fewer tears?

If you’ve been diagnosed as ADHD and your partner doesn’t get it – whether they’re sceptical, dismissive, or simply confused – this blog is for both of you. This might be something you share with your partner to explain how you’re feeling. Maybe they think everyone feels overwhelmed, or maybe they believe ADHD is just ‘losing your keys and forgetting appointments.’ Or maybe – and this is a big one – they see so much of themselves in your struggles that it feels too confronting to admit ADHD might be part of their story too.

This isn’t about proving you’re right or blaming your partner. It’s about finding a way to work together – to make life smoother, kinder, and less exhausting for both of you. ADHD doesn’t have to be a wedge between you. It can be the key to understanding each other better and building a relationship that thrives.

Let’s get into the strategies, research, and real talk to help you navigate this together.

‘Why Can’t You Just…?’ – The Pain Points

Let’s call it out: partners often say things that hit harder than anyone else.

  • ‘Everyone forgets things sometimes. Why can’t you just try harder?’
  • ‘You say you want to change, but nothing ever gets done.’
  • ‘Why do you always wake up hating me?’

Maybe they’re frustrated because the to-do list keeps growing. Maybe they’re overwhelmed because you’re overwhelmed, and they don’t know how to help. Maybe they think ADHD isn’t real because they experience the exact same struggles and don’t realise they could be ADHD too.

ADHD partners experience:

  • Feeling dismissed: Like their struggles are brushed off as laziness or carelessness.
  • Blame and resentment: Tasks undone, tempers rising, communication breaking down.
  • Chronic masking: Trying so hard to ‘hold it together’ all day, only to burn out by evening.

Meanwhile, sceptical partners feel:

  • Overwhelmed by the extra load of things that slip through the cracks.
  • Frustrated because ADHD doesn’t ‘look serious.’
  • Confronted by the idea that ADHD might apply to them – or their children – too.

ADHD doesn’t just impact the person diagnosed – it affects the whole family.

ADHD is Real: Here’s the Science

If your partner thinks ADHD is just ‘normal’ forgetfulness, here’s what they need to know:

  • Brain Science: ADHD brains function differently. Research shows reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain that manages focus, impulse control, and decision-making (Barkley, 2018). It’s not about effort – it’s about wiring.
  • Dopamine Deficiency: ADHD brains struggle to regulate dopamine, the neurotransmitter responsible for motivation, reward, and focus. It’s like trying to run on low fuel.
  • Measurable Impact: Studies confirm that untreated ADHD increases stress, reduces emotional regulation, and strains relationships. Medication can help ADHD brains manage symptoms by improving dopamine balance.

What You Can Say to Your Partner:
‘ADHD isn’t about being lazy or not caring – it’s a neurological difference. Imagine running a computer with faulty RAM. It still works, but everything feels glitchy, slow, and overwhelming. That’s ADHD.’

What If Your Partner Has ADHD Too?

Sometimes, your partner doesn’t ‘believe’ in ADHD because they’re struggling with it themselves. They’ve normalised their forgetfulness, their procrastination, and their overwhelm as ‘just life.’

What to say:
‘I know some of this sounds familiar to you. Maybe we’ve both been struggling more than we need to. This isn’t about labels or blame – it’s about making life easier for both of us. What if we tried some ADHD tools together to see if they help?’

Instead of forcing a diagnosis, focus on shared solutions:

  • ‘Let’s try a shared calendar so we’re not both guessing about what’s happening.’
  • ‘What if we both set reminders to help us stay on track—just to see if it works?’

Try the Gottman Method Conflict Tip: When both partners feel overwhelmed, shift from blame to shared goals. Say, ‘I know this feels hard for both of us. How can we tackle it as a team?’

Masking and Emotional Exhaustion

Many ADHD mums ‘mask’ all day long – working twice as hard to hide their struggles and look like they have it together. By the time you get home, you’re done. Mentally, emotionally, physically done.

How to explain it to your partner:

‘I’ve been holding it together all day—keeping the stress and overwhelm inside. By the time I’m home, I don’t have anything left. I need home to be the place where I can let my guard down.’

What your partner can do to help:

  • Recognise overstimulation triggers (like noise, mess, or demands) and step in for small resets.
  • Offer support without blame: ‘How can I help lighten the load tonight?’
  • Let go of judgment. ADHD brains are working constantly. Rest isn’t laziness – it’s necessary.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD): Why Small Criticisms Feel Huge

RSD is when ADHD brains amplify the emotional sting of criticism or rejection. Your partner says, ‘What do you mean you still didn’t pay that bill?’ and instead of hearing feedback or concern that the electricity might be cut off, you hear, ‘You’re failing. You’re not good enough.’

What you can say to your partner:
‘When you say things like, ‘Just try harder,’ it doesn’t just hurt my feelings – it feels like I’m failing you. I know that’s not what you mean, but that’s how my brain processes it.’

How partners can respond instead:

  • Validate the struggle: ‘I see you’re overwhelmed— what can we do to make this easier?’
  • Avoid dismissive phrases like ‘Calm down’ or ‘It’s not a big deal.’

Tools to Make Life Easier for Both of You

Practical systems can transform how ADHD impacts your relationship:

  1. Shared Family Calendar or Visual Calendar: ADHD brains struggle with invisible mental lists. Make tasks visible so it’s not all in your head.
  2. Specific Task Lists: Instead of ‘Help me clean up,’ say, ‘Please put the dishes in the sink and then fold the washing.’
  3. Timers and Reminders: Visual timers like Time Timer reduce procrastination. Set them together for accountability.
  4. Break Big Tasks Down: ADHD brains get stuck on ‘start.’ Break tasks into tiny steps: ‘Step 1: Gather the laundry.’ etc. 

Validation for Hesitant Partners

If you’re the partner reading this and feeling uncertain, that’s completely understandable. ADHD can feel unfamiliar or even confronting at first. You might feel overwhelmed, defensive, or worried that this will add to your already full plate – you’re exhausted too, and the idea of taking on more can feel daunting. Those feelings are valid. However, ADHD tools and strategies aren’t about ‘fixing’ anyone or putting all the responsibility on the partner without ADHD. They’re designed to make life easier and more manageable for both of you.

What if things could feel less chaotic? Less frustrating? What if the tension eased because you were both working with ADHD, instead of fighting against it?

Give it a try. A shared calendar. A reset during a fight. A new way of dividing the mental load. If it doesn’t work – fine. But what if it does?

Everyone in the family will benefit when tension is reduced, and teamwork is strengthened. This applies to both partners – whether they have ADHD or not – and creates a more supportive and happy environment for the kids as well.

Real Talk: This Isn’t About Blame

One mum in our ADHD community said, ‘I had to leave books and podcasts lying around the house until my partner got curious. He didn’t get it at first, but now he’s my biggest supporter.’

ADHD is real, and the struggles are valid but so is the partner’s perspective and sometimes partners don’t instantly understand (and that’s okay). It can take time, patience, and compassion. However there are also possibilities. Life can be easier. The tension can ease. And you can feel like a team working to your strengths and covering each other’s weaknesses. 

Call to Action: Next Steps

Here’s what to do this week:

  1. You might share this blog with your partner and say, ‘This explains it better than I can – can you read it?’
  2. Try one small tool – a shared calendar, a specific list, or a 10-minute reset when things feel overwhelming.
  3. Join our ADHD Mums Facebook group for real-life stories, tools, and support from families just like yours.

Final Thoughts

ADHD isn’t about laziness or excuses. It’s about learning how to manage a brain that works differently. When you approach this with curiosity, compassion, and a willingness to try, everything can change.

To ADHD Mums: You deserve to be seen and understood. To partners: It’s okay to feel hesitant – but giving this a shot might be the best thing you do for yourselves and your relationship.

You’ve got this. One step at a time, together. 

References

  1. Barkley, R. A. (2018). Taking Charge of Adult ADHD. New York: Guilford Press.
    • This book provides scientific explanations of ADHD’s impact on executive functioning and neurological differences.
  2. Gottman, J., & Schwartz Gottman, J. (2023). Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection. New York: Penguin Random House.
    • This resource provides practical tools for navigating conflict, including strategies such as soft start-ups, flooding pauses, and repair attempts.
  3. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books.
    • A cornerstone in relationship science, this work highlights communication strategies that build trust and resolve conflict.
  4. Barkley, R. A. (2020). Executive Functions: What They Are, How They Work, and Why They Evolved. New York: Guilford Press.
    • Discusses how executive dysfunction impacts planning, decision-making, and daily life tasks, particularly in ADHD individuals.
  5. ADDitude Editors. (2022). ADHD and Marriage: How to Save Your Relationship. ADDitude Magazine.

Leave a Reply

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds

This will close in 0 seconds