The Advanced Guide: When Your Partner is Sceptical About ADHD: How to Navigate Doubts with Understanding and Evidence
If you’re an ADHD mum trying to navigate a partnership where ADHD isn’t fully understood – or worse, dismissed – you’re not alone. Maybe your partner brushes off your struggles, saying, ‘Everyone forgets things sometimes,’ or feels frustrated by the things you ‘haven’t done yet.’ Or perhaps they share so many of your struggles themselves that the idea of ADHD feels too close to home.
This is for the mum who’s at the brink of burnout. You’re stressed, overwhelmed, crying in the bathroom at the end of another day that feels like too much. What if there was a way to get your partner on board and make life a little easier? Let’s bridge that gap with understanding, science-backed insights, and actionable strategies – for both you and your partner.
Understanding Partner Hesitancy: Why They Struggle to Get On Board
It’s Not Just Resistance – it’s Fear
Many partners feel hesitant about ADHD for a range of reasons. Some think ADHD is just ‘normal’ because they’ve internalised their own struggles. Others fear the unknown – what a diagnosis could mean, how family dynamics might shift, or whether it places an additional burden on them.
1: Addressing the ‘But Everyone Feels Like This’ Mentality
Why Your Partner Might Think ADHD Isn’t Real
Partners often dismiss ADHD as ‘just life’ because they’re experiencing similar struggles themselves. They might think, ‘Everyone feels forgetful or overwhelmed sometimes. Why do we need a label for it?’ In many cases, they’re living with undiagnosed ADHD and have normalised their own challenges.
How to Shift Their Perspective
Instead of trying to convince them, focus on what ADHD tools can do.
- Reframe the Conversation: ‘What if we could make things easier for both of us? ADHD strategies aren’t about labels – they’re about reducing stress.’
- Invite Collaboration: ‘Maybe we’re both struggling more than we need to. Let’s try some tools together and see what works.’
Relatable Example:
‘I told my partner, ‘I know you find life hard sometimes too. ADHD tools have helped me – what if they could help us both?’ That shift from blame to teamwork changed everything.’
2: Using Science to Validate ADHD
What the Research Says
ADHD isn’t about laziness or effort – it’s a proven neurological condition.
- Brain Science: ADHD affects the prefrontal cortex, which regulates focus, impulse control, and memory (Barkley, 2018). Brain imaging shows clear differences in how ADHD brains function.
- Dopamine Deficiency: ADHD brains struggle to regulate dopamine, making motivation and focus harder.
- Impact of Untreated ADHD: Studies show untreated ADHD can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and strained relationships (Harpin et al., 2016).
How to Share This With Your Partner
- ‘ADHD is like running a computer with faulty RAM – it’s still working, but everything feels slower and harder. That’s why I need tools to make it easier.’
- ‘It’s not about excuses – it’s about how my brain processes things differently.’
3: Addressing Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)
What Is RSD?
RSD amplifies the emotional impact of perceived rejection. A small comment like, ‘Why didn’t you do that yet?’ can spiral into feelings of shame or failure. This is common in ADHD brains and isn’t about overreacting – it’s about how our brains process criticism.
How to Approach RSD in Your Relationship
- Educate Your Partner: ‘When I hear, ‘Why can’t you just do it?’ it feels like I’m failing you – even if that’s not what you meant. I need a softer approach.’
- What Partners Can Say Instead:
- ‘I see you’re struggling. How can I help?’
- ‘I know you’re doing your best – let’s figure this out together.’
Relatable Example:
‘When my partner learned about RSD, he stopped saying, ‘Why can’t you just focus?’ and started saying, ‘What can we change to make this easier?’ That small change made a world of difference.’
4: Breaking the Cycle of Masking and Burnout
What Is Masking?
Masking is the exhausting act of hiding ADHD struggles to appear ‘normal.’ Many ADHD mums mask all day at work, with friends, or even with their kids – only to collapse in burnout at home.
How Partners Can Help
- Acknowledge the Invisible Load: ‘I see how much effort you put into holding it together. You don’t have to mask with me.’
- Create Safe Spaces for Rest:
- Offer sensory resets: ‘Why don’t you take 10 minutes in a quiet room while I handle the kids?’
- Minimise overstimulation: Dim lights, reduce noise, or keep chaotic times calm.
Example:
‘I told my partner, ‘I’ve been holding it together all day. When I get home, I need to stop masking.’ He started giving me 15 minutes alone to decompress – it’s changed everything.’
5: Tools and Systems That Work for Both Partners
Shared Systems for ADHD and Non-ADHD Brains
- Digital Calendar with Reminders: Shared apps like Google Calendar or Cozi make tasks visible and prevent last-minute stress.
- Family Task Board: A whiteboard in the kitchen breaks tasks into actionable steps – perfect for ADHD brains.
Flexible Roles Based on Energy Cycles
ADHD energy fluctuates. On high-energy days, take on bigger tasks. On low-energy days, partners can step in without resentment.
Weekly Reset and Reflect Meetings
- Celebrate wins: ‘We got the kids to school on time three times this week!’
- Plan ahead: ‘What’s coming up, and how can we share the load?’
- Adjust systems: ‘What worked last week? What needs work?’
Example:
‘Our weekly check-ins have reduced fights and made us feel like a team. Instead of, ‘Why didn’t you do this?’ we ask, ‘How can we make this easier next time?’’
Hesitant Partners
To the partner who feels unsure or overwhelmed by the idea of ADHD: It’s okay to feel this way. This isn’t about blame or forcing change – it’s about making life smoother for both of you. Imagine a home where there’s less tension, more understanding, and tools that actually work. What if exploring ADHD was a step in the right direction to that?
I know it’s hard to believe ADHD is ‘a thing’ when you feel like everyone struggles with stress or distraction. But what if life could be easier? What if small tools – like visual routines or clearer communication – reduced the tension you’re both feeling? You don’t have to believe in ADHD overnight. Just try a few strategies and see what happens. The worst-case scenario? Nothing changes. The best-case scenario? Everything feels lighter – for both of you.
Connect with your partner
ADHD isn’t a blame game, or a ‘who is right and who is wrong’ – it’s a path to understanding. By learning about ADHD together, trying new tools, and showing compassion, you can build a partnership that feels less overwhelming and more connected.
To ADHD mums: You deserve support, not dismissal.
To partners: Thank you for showing up and trying. Your willingness to learn means everything.
References
- Barkley, R. A. (2018). Executive Functions: What They Are, How They Work, and Why They Evolved. Guilford Press.
- Harpin, V., et al. (2016). ‘The impact of ADHD on the life of an individual, their family, and community from preschool to adult life.’ Archives of Disease in Childhood, 101(8), 616-623.