When neurodivergent kids are in distress at school, it’s rarely about attitude — it’s about unmet needs, invisible overwhelm, and nervous systems that feel unsafe.
In this powerful episode of the ADHD Mums podcast, Jane is joined by Tania Waring — PhD candidate, former lawyer, and mother to an ADHD and autistic son — to unpack the deep systemic failures that push so many neurodivergent kids into chronic dysregulation at school. But more importantly, they map a different way forward.
Because what if the classroom didn’t have to feel like a battlefield?
The truth about stress behaviours
For too long, school systems have misread autistic and ADHD children’s nervous system distress as misbehaviour. Instead of curiosity, they respond with control. Instead of connection, they default to punishment.
Tania explains that stress behaviours — like yelling, withdrawing, refusal, or even aggression — are often trauma-coded. They’re communication, not defiance. And every time we treat them like moral failures instead of nervous system responses, we push neurodivergent kids further into shutdown, avoidance, and educational disengagement.
And what does this mean for parents?
You end up fighting battles on two fronts — at school and at home — and often feel like the only adult who truly understands your child’s behaviour isn’t a discipline problem. It’s a system problem.
What co-regulation actually means
Co-regulation isn’t about calming your child down. It’s not about deep breaths and soft voices while secretly resenting them inside. It’s a deeply relational, skill-building process that starts with the adult.
Tania outlines the four building blocks of emotion regulation:
- Noticing the situation
- Attending to it
- Appraising it
- Responding to it
And in classrooms? Co-regulation is about noticing when a child is spiralling, understanding why, and having the relationship, insight, and flexibility to meet them with support — not control.
But this only works when teachers are emotionally regulated themselves. When they have the training, resources, and permission to respond with empathy instead of punishment.
Why connection changes everything
So what actually works?
- Greeting kids by name at the start of each day
- Getting to know their interests (autistic kids will tell you)
- Spending time to build trust before trying to redirect behaviour
- Seeing dysregulation not as a ‘problem to fix’ but a relationship to invest in
Tania makes it clear: the teacher’s relationship with the child is the number one predictor of school success for neurodivergent kids. Not behaviour ladders. Not marble jars. Not punishments dressed up as ‘incentives’.
The change we actually need
This episode doesn’t just humanise children — it calls for a radical rethink of how the system sees them. Tania and Jane discuss:
- Why most teacher training still ignores ADHD and autism
- The urgent need for mandatory neuro-affirming education
- Why suspension and expulsion aren’t discipline — they’re harm
- What it means to advocate for your child without being dismissed as ‘difficult’
And they close with a powerful reminder: every neurodivergent child is crackable. Not with discipline, but with investment.
For parents stuck in the school trauma loop
If you’ve been gaslit by emails blaming your parenting…
If your child’s ‘behaviour plan’ is all control and no connection…
If you’re exhausted from being the only one who sees your child’s full humanity…
This episode is for you.
Listen Now: Spotify | Apple Podcasts
