“Go to your room and think about what you did!”
We’ve all heard it. Some of us have said it. But here’s the inconvenient truth – time-outs don’t actually work.
If you’ve got a neurodivergent child, you’ve probably already figured this out the hard way. You send them to their room, and instead of magically reflecting on their actions and emerging as a fully reformed human being, they come back more dysregulated, more frustrated, and passive aggressive. Or they become sneakier, more focused on avoiding getting caught rather than truly understanding what went wrong.
So why don’t time-outs work? And what should we do instead?
Why Time-Outs Fail
1️⃣ They Increase Stress, Not Regulation
When a child is overwhelmed and acting out, their nervous system is already in fight-or-flight mode. A time-out – aka forced isolation – only spikes their stress levels further. Instead of calming down, they spiral into bigger emotions.
2️⃣ They Teach Kids to Suppress, Not Process
Most kids don’t need to be told what they did wrong. They already know. The issue isn’t a lack of awareness; it’s a lack of regulation. Time-outs don’t teach emotional regulation; they teach kids to bottle up emotions until they explode later (usually at bedtime when you were hoping for a moment of peace and then your child wants to unload what’s really going on).
3️⃣ They Disconnect Instead of Connecting
Connection is how kids regulate. When they’re overwhelmed, what they need is you, not isolation. Time-outs send the message: You’re only loveable when you’re behaving well. That’s not what we mean to say, but it’s often what they hear.
What to Do Instead: The Power of “Time-Ins”
Instead of a time-out, try a time-in. This doesn’t mean letting your child run wild. It means helping them co-regulate so they can actually learn self-regulation over time.
✨ Step 1: Stay Close
Move towards your child, not away. “Hey, I can see you’re having a hard time. I’m here.” Sometimes, that’s all they need to hear.
✨ Step 2: Name What’s Happening
If they’re safe, give them words for what’s going on. “I can see your body is getting really tense. I think you might be feeling overwhelmed.” This helps them understand their emotions rather than just react to them.
✨ Step 3: Offer Regulation, Not Punishment
Instead of sending them away, guide them toward a way to regulate. Maybe that’s a drink of water, deep pressure (like a firm hug), movement, or simply sitting together in a calm space until they settle.
✨ Step 4: Set Boundaries Without Shame
Being firm doesn’t mean being harsh. Instead of “Go to your room!” try:
“I can’t let you hit.”
“I won’t let you throw things.”
“I see you’re upset. I’ll stay with you while you calm down.”
This approach keeps the message clear: Your emotions are okay, but hurting people or property isn’t.
Need More Support?
I’ve put together a Kit on Handling Big Emotions & Time-Ins – Download it here
Listen to the Full Episode: If this topic speaks to you, go deeper with Gen Muir and I on the latest ADHD Mums Podcast episode. Gen breaks down my two biggest parenting tricky moments and why timeouts backfire, how to shift your parenting approach, and what really helps neurodivergent kids thrive. Listen to the full episode here
Want to Learn More from Gen?
Check out Gen’s website: Connected Parenting
Read her book: Little People, Big Feelings
Listen to her podcast: Beyond The Chaos
Follow her on Instagram: @connectedparentingau
