Your child comes home in pieces — exhausted, anxious, and barely holding it together. But when you ask for support at school? You’re told they seem “fine.”
If you’ve ever walked into an IEP meeting armed with paediatrician letters, psychologist reports, and your own fraying hope — only to be told your child doesn’t “look like” they’re struggling — you’re not alone. And you’re not imagining it.
This is what gaslighting looks like in education systems that don’t understand neurodivergence — and don’t believe it when they can’t see it.
Why It Happens: The Bias Against ‘Invisible’ Struggles
Teachers are often trained to notice disruption. Loudness. Behaviour that interrupts the group.
But what about the child who sits quietly, follows every instruction, and melts down only once they’re home?
For autistic and ADHD children — especially those who mask — school can be a full-day performance. They’re people-pleasing, regulating, holding in their overwhelm. And when the bell rings, they release it in the one place that feels safe: with you.
The problem? That performance gets mistaken for coping.
The Invisible Child Is Still Struggling
Masking isn’t a strength. It’s survival.
And it comes at a cost — to identity, mental health, and even educational outcomes.
When a child’s distress is invisible, their support needs get dismissed. Instead of reasonable adjustments, they get told to “try harder.” Instead of inclusion, they get exclusion dressed up as discipline.
In Jane’s story (shared in the episode), her daughter — quiet, high-achieving, and deeply overwhelmed — was repeatedly denied access to a safe room during recess. Why? Because she didn’t “look” like she needed it.
This is why families leave schools. Not because they want to — but because they’ve been dismissed too many times.
What This Looks Like at Home
If your child is being missed at school, chances are you’re the one catching the fall.
You’re seeing:
- Shutdowns over routine changes
- Rage at harmless requests
- Regressive behaviours or withdrawal
- Refusal to attend school altogether
And when you raise it with the school? You’re told:
- “They’re fine here.”
- “We don’t see any issues.”
- “Maybe it’s something at home.”
This flips the narrative. It makes you — the parent — the problem. And worse, it teaches children that their pain has to look a certain way to be believed.
Practical Advocacy When You’re Being Dismissed
Here’s what you can do when a school says, “We don’t see it” — and you know it’s real:
Document everything.
Every email, every conversation, every adjustment request. If something is rejected — ask for it in writing.
Follow up verbal meetings with emails.
Summarise what was said, what was promised, and when it will be followed up. Schools are less likely to gaslight when there’s a paper trail.
Set check-in points.
Don’t let meetings drift off. Agree on a follow-up time and what will be reviewed.
⚖️ Know your legal rights.
Under federal law, schools are required to provide reasonable adjustments. If they refuse, they must justify why it’s not reasonable. Not wanting to accommodate masking or “quiet” distress? Not a valid reason.
Escalate if needed.
Start with teachers. Then leadership. Then your regional department. If you’re still being ignored, consider the Human Rights Commission. This isn’t just a school issue — it’s a rights issue.
When You Start to Doubt Yourself
When a school repeatedly downplays what you’re seeing, you might start to question everything.
That’s not you being “too much.” That’s what gaslighting does.
If you’ve recorded emails, built evidence, and are still being dismissed — that’s not on you. That’s a system failing your child. And your child deserves better than a policy that only supports those who present “obviously.”
Why This Isn’t Just About Schools
This same dismissal happens in medical systems, too. Especially to women. Especially when the neurodivergence is masked.
Invisible struggles are treated like exaggerations.
Visible distress is treated like defiance.
And families are left doing all the work — emotionally, logistically, financially.
Final Word
If your child doesn’t “look” like they need support — but everything at home says otherwise — believe what you’re seeing.
Because masking is real. PDA is real. Nervous system overwhelm is real.
And your child should not have to break down to be believed.
Listen to the full conversation in Season 3, Episode 7: The Great Gaslighting: When Schools Say We Don’t See It
Available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
