If you’ve ever walked into a school meeting with hope and walked out feeling bulldozed — this one’s for you.
Sometimes IEP meetings aren’t working the way they’re meant to. Not for ADHD kids. Not for autistic kids. And definitely not for their parents.
You show up prepared. You’re polite. You reference legislation. You bring solutions, documents, diagnoses. And you’re met with blank stares, pushback, or the classic ‘We can’t do that for everyone.’
Let’s unpack what’s really going on.
Why IEP meetings often feel like gaslighting
Too many parents describe these meetings as emotionally brutal. Not because they’re dramatic. Because they’re dismissed.
You walk in with valid concerns — about regulation, support, inclusion. You get told:
- ‘We haven’t seen that behaviour here.’
- ‘They’re doing fine in class.’
- ‘We can’t make special exceptions like that.’
- ‘No, let’s wait and see if that’s really needed first.’
It’s not just frustrating. It’s demoralising. Especially when you’re describing the same patterns that shows up every afternoon at home: emotional shutdown, refusal to go back, sensory overload.
Why schools get defensive
According to educator and advocate Millie Carr, a big part of it is fear. If a teacher or team acknowledges they missed something, they may worry reflects poorly on them or the school. It could threaten their confidence, their training or their sense of control.
And when parents come in very emotional, it can trigger their defensiveness even faster. But the problem is this: when a teacher and parent don’t work together well, the kids lose out.
What you say matters — and how you say it
Here are some tools Millie recommends:
- Bring a calm, clear script: Write down your points and bring someone who can speak if you get overwhelmed.
- Use equity-based language: ‘Fair doesn’t mean everyone gets the same. It means everyone gets what they need.’
- Reference law when needed: You are not ‘asking for favours’. You’re stating rights.
The classic excuse: ‘If we let them do it, everyone will want it’
You know the line. Maybe you’ve heard it about:
- A sensory tool
- Extra time
- Regulated breaks
But that’s not inclusion if a child legitimately needs something to help them regulate or concentrate.
Equity means kids get what supports their brains. We don’t remove wheelchairs because other kids want to sit. We don’t deny glasses because they’re not on every face.
Brains work differently. Support should too.
When the IEP isn’t followed (and no one seems to care)
This is what breaks parents. When you’ve spent weeks building an inclusion plan, documenting needs, looping in therapists — only for a teacher to ignore it on day one.
And the worst part? There are often no real consequences.
It’s not okay. And you’re not wrong for being frustrated or angry about it.
What you can document (and why it matters)
If you ever need to escalate:
- Keep copies of all IEPs and communication
- Record meeting outcomes and who was present
- Log incidents where supports weren’t followed
You don’t need a formal diagnosis to access support. And you don’t need to be silent to stay enrolled.
This is bigger than one meeting
This is about systems that only recognise visible disabilities. That treat neurodivergent needs like preferences. That rely on parent exhaustion to keep running.
So if you’re tired? If you’re angry? If you’re wondering whether it’s even worth speaking up again?
Please know this: You’re not too much. You’re asking the right questions. And you’re not alone.
This blog is based on S3E9 SCHOOL SERIES: IEP Meetings Are Broken — Here’s What to Say Instead | Listen in Spotify | Listen in Apple Podcast
