If you’re an ADHD mum, you already know that the mental load isn’t just about remembering lunchboxes or signing school notes. It’s about carrying the entire invisible burden of running a household, often without recognition. And despite all the conversations about it, nothing seems to change.
So why do we stop speaking up? Why do so many of us just take it – even when we’re drowning?
In this episode, I break down the 7 reasons ADHD mums stay silent about the gendered mental load, and why we keep burning out over and over again.
Why We Don’t Say Anything
1️⃣ Fear of Dismissal or Defensiveness
When we finally speak up, it’s often met with defensiveness (“But I do help!”) or dismissal (“Just ask me and I’ll do it!”). If every conversation turns into an argument or gaslighting session, it’s easier to just swallow it and keep going.
2️⃣ Avoiding Conflict or Emotional Overwhelm
For ADHD mums, emotional regulation is already a struggle. Add a tense conversation with a defensive partner, and it can feel catastrophic. Sometimes, we’re just too exhausted to deal with the emotional fallout, so we stay quiet to keep the peace.
3️⃣ People-Pleasing Tendencies
Many ADHD mums default to self-sacrifice because it’s easier than fighting for help. We take on more and more until we hit burnout – but we’ve been conditioned to believe that good mums just handle it all.
4️⃣ Partners Who Don’t Want to Know
Some ADHD mums feel like their partners tune out when they bring up the mental load. They hear us, but they don’t actually listen. And when they prioritise visible tasks (like mowing the lawn) over invisible ones (like scheduling doctor’s appointments), it’s hard not to feel completely alone.
5️⃣ Feeling Like There’s No Solution
When you’ve tried every conversation, every strategy, every fight, and nothing changes, it’s easy to believe it never will. Cognitive distortions (like black-and-white thinking) make us feel trapped. “Nothing ever changes. I’ll be doing this forever.” So why bother trying?
6️⃣ Exhaustion From Constant Advocacy
We already fight for our kids – at school, at therapy, with family members who “don’t believe in ADHD.” But when we also have to educate our partners just to get basic support, it’s draining. Many of us simply don’t have the energy left to advocate for ourselves.
7️⃣ Internalised Guilt & Shame
We’ve been taught from birth that being a “good mum” means sacrificing ourselves. So when we ask for help, we feel selfish. We feel guilty. We feel like we should just suck it up – even though it’s slowly breaking us.
What Now?
If this sounds all too familiar, you’re not alone. The good news? Change is possible. But it starts with recognising these patterns and taking small steps towards a more equal partnership.
Grab the Mental Load Kits for scripts, strategies, and templates to help start the conversation in your home.
S2 Ep 69 Kit here – Recognising the Mental Load (get clear on what you’re carrying before you start shifting it)
S2 Ep 71 Kit here – The Mental Load Shift: Navigating Pushback & Making It Stick (practical conversation strategies to shift the mental load – without burnout or micromanaging)
Listen to the full episode here for deeper insights and real-life strategies.
Join the conversation in my ADHD Mums Facebook Group – because no one should have to figure this out alone.
