CONFESSION: Can You Love Someone and Still Dread S*x?
We’ve all heard the script: if you love your partner, intimacy should come easily. If you don’t want sex, something must be broken — in you, in your relationship, in your desire.
But here’s the truth no one says out loud: you can be deeply in love, feel safe and connected with your partner, and still have absolutely zero desire for sex. Not because you don’t care. Not because you’re secretly checked out. But because you’re depleted. Burnout doesn’t leave room for libido.
Burnout Kills Desire
By the time the kitchen’s clean, the kids are finally asleep, and the last bit of noise in the house dies down, your nervous system is already running on fumes. You’ve been overstimulated since breakfast.
At that point, the thought of being touched doesn’t feel intimate or romantic — it feels like one more demand on a body that’s already overdrawn.
This isn’t about rejecting your partner. It’s about rejecting exhaustion, overload, rage, depletion. Your nervous system isn’t a bottomless well. It’s tapped out.
You’re Not Broken — You’re Depleted
The cultural story about sex and love is cruel. We’ve been told forever that ‘sex is proof of love’. That if you really love your partner, you’ll want them constantly. That if you say no, it must mean something is wrong with you — or with your relationship.
But what if you’re still very much in love and your nervous system just can’t cope with another demand? ADHD mums know this more than most. When you’re juggling executive dysfunction, sensory overload, and a mental load that never ends, desire doesn’t stand a chance.
You’re not broken. You’re depleted. And that distinction matters.
Why ADHD Mums Feel It More
ADHD changes how we process stimulation, rest, and regulation. Our brains run hot, constantly scanning, problem-solving, and firefighting. Parenting layers on sensory chaos, emotional labour, and the invisible tax of never being allowed to fully switch off.
For many of us, sex stops being about connection and starts feeling like another task on the endless list. Another person who needs something from you. Another expectation you don’t have the bandwidth to meet.
It’s not that we don’t love our partners. It’s that desire can’t grow in captivity. It needs space, safety, and energy — three things mums are consistently robbed of.
This Isn’t Rejection, It’s Survival
Here’s the reframe: saying ‘not tonight’ doesn’t mean you’re rejecting your partner. It means you’re honouring yourself.
You can still be in love.
You can still feel safe and grateful for your relationship.
And you can still be burnt out, touched out, and allowed to say no.
Desire doesn’t magically appear because you will it into existence. It grows when your body has capacity. When your nervous system has some buffer. When you’re not running on empty.
The Systemic Silence Around Sex & Burnout
The real problem isn’t your lack of libido. It’s the silence around how ADHD, motherhood, and chronic burnout collide.
Instead of telling the truth — that desire flatlines under stress — we hand out shame and call it a marriage problem.
And when you finally say it out loud — “I love them, but I still don’t want sex” — the relief is huge, because you realise it’s not just you.
Final Word
So if you’ve ever thought, “What’s wrong with me? I love my partner but I don’t want sex” — the answer is nothing. You’re not rejecting love. You’re rejecting exhaustion. You’re protecting your nervous system.
‘Not tonight’ isn’t rejection. It’s survival.
And if that’s you tonight? You’re not alone. You’re just finally telling the truth out loud.
