If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation at school and thought “Was that cold? Was it me? Am I being too much?” — you’re not imagining things.
The neurotypical social world runs on unspoken rules, subtle cues, and emotional pacing that can feel totally alien if you’re neurodivergent. That doesn’t mean neurotypical people are unkind — it just means their social operating system is different.
Here’s how to spot it — and understand it.
♀️ Common Signs You’re Interacting With a Neurotypical Parent:
- They value ‘smooth’ social interaction — small talk, polite laughs, predictable rhythm
- They rarely ask direct personal questions — and might get awkward if you do
- They expect consistent tone and mood — if you’re chatty one day and quiet the next, it can be misread as rude
- They tend to avoid conflict — even if it means quiet exclusion instead of a hard conversation
- They interpret eye contact, posture, tone and timing as ‘social data’ — and expect you to do the same
You’ll know the energy:
- Everything feels friendly but shallow
- You’re not sure if you’re in or out
- You question yourself after the interaction
- You feel like there was a rulebook you missed
Why These Differences Happen:
Neurotypical parents and neurodivergent parents often:
- Process social energy differently
- Have different tolerance for emotional messiness
- Use communication for different reasons (connection vs. ritual)
- Read the world through different filters (directness vs. diplomacy)
Where a neurodivergent parent might value honesty, depth, or shared vulnerability, a neurotypical parent may prioritise stability, surface harmony, and “not rocking the boat.”
That’s why:
- Your emotional honesty might feel “too much” to them
- Their polite vagueness might feel “fake” to you
- You leave exhausted, while they leave feeling “fine”
Quick “Spot the Neurotypical Parent” Checklist
They often:
- Default to small talk (weather, weekend, sports)
- Avoid direct feedback or emotional depth
- Smile and wave, but don’t follow through on connections
- Express discomfort through distance, not words
- Say “We should catch up!” but never do
- Create invisible social lines — who’s in, who’s out — but never name them
So What Do You Do?
You don’t have to change yourself. But knowing what’s happening can protect your nervous system.
You might choose to:
- Limit your energy exposure — a wave is enough
- Watch actions, not words — warm smiles don’t always mean real inclusion
- Find your people elsewhere — seek parents who honour honesty and hold space for difference
- Let go of forcing relationships that aren’t reciprocal — that’s not your failure
What Is the Double Empathy Problem?
The Double Empathy Problem says this:
When a neurodivergent person and a neurotypical person struggle to connect or understand each other — it’s not because the neurodivergent person lacks empathy.
It’s because both people are speaking from different internal worlds — with different communication styles, emotional processing, and social expectations.
So the “problem” isn’t one-sided.
It’s not a deficit in the neurodivergent person.
It’s a two-way mismatch — a breakdown in mutual understanding.
Who Came Up With It?
The term was coined by Dr. Damian Milton, an autistic academic and parent, who challenged the traditional belief that autistic people lack empathy.
He argued that:
- Autistic people understand and connect deeply with other autistic people
- Neurotypical people understand and connect easily with other neurotypicals
- But when those two groups interact — mismatch happens
Not because either group is broken.
But because they’re working with different social operating systems.
️ What Does It Look Like in Real Life?
The School Yard:
A neurodivergent child blurts out, avoids eye contact, or info-dumps — the teacher sees this as “rude” or “disengaged.”
The child sees the teacher as confusing, unpredictable, or emotionally unclear.
At a Birthday Party:
A neurotypical child expects turn-taking, indirect cues, and shared group games.
A neurodivergent child plays intensely, gets overwhelmed, or wants to talk about dinosaurs.
Neither one understands why the other is doing what they’re doing.
In the Staffroom or Parent Group:
A neurodivergent parent is honest, emotional, direct.
A neurotypical parent thinks they’re over-sharing or dramatic.
Both walk away feeling misunderstood.
❤️ Why This Concept Matters
Because for decades, autistic and neurodivergent people were told they lacked empathy.
But the Double Empathy Problem says:
It’s not that we lack empathy — it’s that our empathy might not be recognised by people who don’t share our way of communicating.
And just as neurotypical people struggle to read us — we struggle to read them.
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