Jane McFadden:

Hello and welcome to the ADHD Mums Podcast. I’m your host Jane and I’m here to let you know you are not alone. This is a safe place where we can talk openly about our struggles with having ADHD, being a mum and dealing with life a little outside the box.

We are real people with real stories who want to be able to laugh and strive to be better than what we were yesterday. My name is Jane McFadden, I’m a 36 year old mum of three who was diagnosed with ADHD a little over a year ago. I’m here to help you live out your full potential with a diagnosis or without one.

I own and run a telehealth psychology company. I’ve worked in and studied psychology for the past 15 years. I am passionate about helping others take back their life and have a great time while doing so.

On this show you can expect to laugh, hear vulnerable discussions and learn why things are the way they are for women with ADHD. No two humans are the same, no two diagnoses are the same and no two stories are the same. It’s something that feels really personal and we as mums seem to find a way to put pressure on ourselves to be perfect, to work in a great job, to get paid well for and then also be passionate about, have a clean tidy home and well-mannered obedient children.

To have it all. Can we just drop the expectations? Because I do not have all of those things and I doubt that you do either. We have a whole lot to learn and a whole lot to look forward to on this podcast.

So let’s get started. I got a really great review from somebody and I just wanted to give a shout out to ROAR, R-D-I-X-X-L-S, what a random name. They gave me a great review and talked about how relatable they felt the podcast was.

The messages that I’m getting is that’s what people want. I will share something that I think could be something that maybe the ADHD mums can relate to. It’s around rejection and shame.

So recently a fair few psychologists, and I’m not a psychologist, I don’t claim to be one, have proposed that there’s particularly high levels of rejection sensitivity or you know RSD, which a lot of people know about. You can google it. Basically it’s high emotional reactivity in general, particularly to anything that people might deem to be a slight against them, or anything they’ve done wrong, or someone giving them feedback.

People with ADHD can be quite sensitive. Now you might think, oh everyone’s sensitive to criticism, that’s not really an ADHD trait, what a stretch. Some people might say that.

However the difference is that if it’s so severe it interferes with your daily life and your forming of healthy relationships, then you know that it’s possibly an issue for you. If you feel extreme distress, failure in the face of rejection, the feelings can become so severe that you can reach the point of panic and high anxiety. I had a couple of really great emails about the podcast that I did about is ADHD an excuse? If you haven’t listened to it, check it out.

But basically I go into when you’re communicating about your ADHD, let’s say you’ve done something that you shouldn’t have done, or you feel responsible for, or possibly you could have done better. We don’t want to be using our ADHD as an excuse, like oh sorry I have ADHD, so I called you a name, sorry I abused you, sorry I have ADHD, I cut into traffic and rammed your car, I have ADHD, so I was late every single day for work this week. It’s about taking responsibility and explaining that sometimes some of your symptoms can get in the way.

I wanted to give you an example on how RSD might play out for you. I’d love to go into the specifics of the example, but you know it’s always terrifying that somebody might listen to this that I know. So I’ll give you some kind of generics or some general information.

So basically I was working on Monday and I felt that a co-worker attacked me via a group meeting in Zoom. I went into a meeting, I was pretty relaxed I thought, and I didn’t realize there was going to be any issues. Someone really wanted some answers on the spot to something that I didn’t realize was a big deal.

They got aggressive and couldn’t let go in my mind and just kept asking and asking the same question louder and louder. After about five minutes of this, I ended up completely busted, shaking, I couldn’t think, and how embarrassing, I burst into tears. Rage literally boiled up, like I think the shaking was just pure rage, like a coffee pot was boiling.

I went into tears and he made a comment and said, you don’t need to get emotional. Okay, so coming from a man saying you don’t need to get emotional after he’d just been, I perceived, yelling at me for five minutes, repeating the same question, not giving me a minute to answer, or when I answered it wasn’t good enough and he continued on. I want to acknowledge I did yell back.

After about five minutes, I did end up just blowing up, yelling back, matching the yelling for a brief period, and then I burst into tears. So I did retaliate, I did participate, I don’t want to pretend I was a complete innocent victim. Yes, I believe he started it.

So after this meeting, it took me about five hours to calm down, not a lie, it probably was longer than that to be honest. My kids came home from school, I didn’t even ask them how their day was at school. I can’t believe I’ve just said that on a podcast, shame.

That’s terrible, right? I was in complete shame of myself, embarrassment, humiliation. I still think I was right, I didn’t start the argument, but I did yell back. I was provoked, but I did retaliate.

I have to take some responsibility for that. And I walked out of the meeting, which was unprofessional. And that wasn’t me. And that’s not how I want to behave. And I pride myself on being better than that.

So after I had calmed down, I listened to my own podcast, or I read the notes at least, and I thought, okay, I need to really accept some responsibility for the part that I played, which I often think encourages the other person to accept responsibility for the part they played.

I know with some of my close relationships, particularly with my husband. So I know with him, if I come in first and accept responsibility for what I’d done, he’ll pretty much always apologize, even if it was mainly my fault on the part that he has played, which really has a lovely ending or closure to an argument, which I often really need. I can’t just let things go.

I almost need to hug it out with someone because it plays in my mind and I feel really stressed, particularly with a close relationship. Anyway, so I decided with this person, I really needed to explain and to acknowledge the part that I played. So, you know, taking my own advice, right?

So I sent him a text, I think it was, and I said, look, I’m really sorry.

I want to acknowledge I didn’t behave in the best way, et cetera, et cetera. However, would you mind, please, next time, could you email me what you would like in advance and I’ll be prepared? Because I wasn’t expecting those questions. I was put on the spot in a group.

I felt embarrassed. It would really be a lot better and we’d get a better result if you could let me know in advance, that’s what you want, or that you’re not happy with something that I’ve done.

So I was expecting a similar response back.

So I think you know where this is going. I didn’t get it. I didn’t get that response back.

He wasn’t letting it go and he made a comment to me that I had baited him. So he listed two things that I had said, which I still stand by. I honestly didn’t think that would be offensive to him.

However, he was offended and he said that I had baited him and then when he reacted, I couldn’t cope with the response. So I was pretty confused at this point and I thought, wow, I’m actually really conflict-averse. I would literally never bait anybody to have an argument that’s so out of character for who I am, which is disappointing.

He might think that about me. So I did something radical at this point and I thought it was going to be really positive and it wasn’t. You might think that me being on a podcast and I’m a pretty open person.

I’m actually not. I’ve barely disclosed to anybody that I’m on this podcast and it’s my worst fear that someone I know might listen to this. So ridiculous.

I love impacting the ADHD mom community, but I don’t want anyone to listen to this that isn’t an ADHD mom. If my husband, if he sees the podcast come up, I’m like, don’t listen to it. That’s not who I am.

So my husband, the beautiful man that he is, encouraged me to disclose that I have ADHD, which is a massive deal for me. Massive.

So I went back and I said, look, this is via text because he wouldn’t answer my calls.

Look, I just wanted to let you know I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and you don’t want to come across incompetent at work either. So I said, okay, this is mainly a superpower. It’s really good in these areas.

However, socially, it can be a bit of a problem. I felt cornered in a group Zoom and flustered and sometimes things come out of my mouth that I don’t mean to. If you were offended by what I said, I’m so sorry, but I really need to let you know that my intention was definitely not to offend you.

That was not what I was attempting to do. And I’m really sorry that you felt that way. But you know, I am struggling with this and this is what I’m doing.

And I listed some things that I’m doing to, I suppose, create a place where that is less likely to occur. So in my mind, I’m thinking, oh, I followed my own advice on the podcast with more of my research and my interviews with people that that is a really good way how to explain and get a great result from somebody. So my expectation was, and that was that evening, that Monday evening that he would reply with, oh, I didn’t know that, or maybe not that’s okay, but some acknowledgement.

This guy didn’t reply. And I can tell you, I’ve known him for a fairly long time. I’ve never known him to not reply, didn’t reply.

It completely did my head in overnight. It did my head in the next morning. And then he wrote an email the next day that was pretty clear that he was still angry.

It’s hard to really describe to anybody, I’m so glad I’ve got ADHD mums on this, that how devastating it is when someone doesn’t reply when you’ve really been vulnerable and shown your heart. Like it’s difficult to take the emotion out of my voice at the moment. Invalidation, shame, humiliation, and just feeling worthless.

It’s hard to, it’s feeling worthless I think is probably the response. And I noticed that at the end of the podcast with his ADHD excuse, I said, except that not everybody will accept your explanation and that’s okay. But I wanted to show you that and acknowledge how hard that actually is, because today is Thursday and I feel really similar.

I’m obviously still really very upset about it, which is why I’ve kind of put this together that perhaps I do have a little bit of RSD. And the only reason I’m sharing this is because of that great review from Raw, R-D-I-X-X-L-S, which I saw because I thought instead of just not recording, because I’m a little behind on my recording schedule at the moment because I’ve spent this week, feeling that I haven’t been able to get up enough and I’d planned to do a topic on masking. And you know there’s obviously a mask that you have to put it on to do a podcast,

but I didn’t feel like I was genuine enough to do a podcast.

I thought I could read a script, but I don’t feel it. I just don’t feel it. And I’ve been in a bit of hibernation this week, masking it up pretty hard when I leave the house because of how I feel inside, questioning myself mainly, you know, why did I yell back? I’ve been questioning my medication.

Was it the Ritalin coming down that made me into a rage? It may be the medication that I thought was working isn’t good for me, or is it making me more confident to stand up for myself? Because I rarely do that. You know, do I have RSD? What’s going on with me? And then questioning any responses or anything that I do. For example, I enrolled my little girl in netball and she starts today and I noticed that some people in the group wrote on there that they weren’t necessarily happy that someone was starting late because the kids will get less game time.

And I honestly thought I was going to burst into tears last night when I read that. And I thought, oh my goodness, like, calm down. Like we’re really there for training.

I mean, definitely don’t want to cause waves. And I felt like when I arrive, people won’t like me already. And that’s not normally my attitude, but that’s how I feel at the moment because I feel a bit beaten down.

What I wanted to do on this podcast is I posted in about RSD into a couple of Facebook groups a couple of weeks ago in Australia. And I wanted to read out a couple of comments that people wrote about RSD because this is when I actually opened it up and I went, wow, this is how I’m feeling right now. I’m not crazy.

This is actually a thing. I’ll read a couple out. The feeling of RSD is if you’ve been punched in the head and are struggling to regain consciousness.

You can deny it, but your brain is blank. Your body is paralyzed.

Next one. Some rejection hits like a physical punch. Other times I feel all-consuming humiliation, fierce frustration and anger as if I’m blindsided. And then I feel like a sad, confused little girl and I’m completely bewildered.

Then I get like jet lag afterwards, tension, headaches, fatigue, nausea, and tightness.

Sometimes I can shake it off after a few days. Sometimes it takes weeks.

Next one. Due to many real and perceived rejections in my life from family, friends, and co-workers, I have now become scared to start any new friendships or group activities. I don’t volunteer much and I don’t get out of the house much.

Next one. Any sidelong look or shared smirk between a people in a group conversation, like at mum’s group or a mum pickup, feels like I’m being made fun of. And even the most… constructive feedback feels like you are not good enough and this is how you failed.

I know that these worries are irrational, but I can’t stop feeling this way.

Next one. I know my partner isn’t rejecting me, but even if he doesn’t have time, I feel like he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

I’m stupid for asking. I’m uninteresting and dull, and that’s why he won’t go somewhere with me. My own brain is exhausting.

Next one. RSD is 100% humiliation, followed by self-berating behavior, nauseous anxiety. I anticipated all the times and I just try not to express my thoughts or feelings anymore.

I read them and I just felt really sad, to be honest. I just felt really sad and I started to wonder about my little girl, who’s seven, and the shame and the embarrassment of doing or saying the wrong thing. And I started to wonder, is this the reason why teenage girl life is just so hard by ADHD women? Honestly, I feel like I’m in complete fear for her coming up into that kind of preteen area and I want her to live a better life than I did.

I’m wondering now if RSD was a large part of why high school was so hard for me. I don’t normally share this, but I had severe depression from 14 to 17 years old. Still to this day, it’s difficult to talk about.

And still to this day, I have never been through anything as debilitating as that time. That was horrific. It was the worst time of my life still.

And I can see now that my parents were desperate. They put me on a high amount of medication with a psychiatrist, which didn’t work. So every week they just put me on more and more and more.

My parents didn’t know what to do. And I wonder sometimes, was it me? Was I that depressed or was it the medication and the high amounts of it? And the amount of pills I was popping a day, was that just contributing to just this overall picture of despair that I had? And I think the RSD was part of the anxiety where I didn’t feel like I could go to school as part of that mix. I mean, if you just reflect on having to go to school every single day and face the people that have been making fun on you, I couldn’t even imagine doing it now.

Well, then I just know deep down in my heart, why do so many of us ADHD mommas have self-esteem issues? Because we’ve just read about how it discourages people from doing things or saying things. And that’s how I feel right now. And I thank that person for that review, because otherwise I was just thinking, why am I doing podcasts? I keep saying the wrong things.

I’m offending people. People don’t like me. And you go over and over and over the stuff in your mind.

And then I wonder, why are we low on confidence? Why do we feel shame and embarrassment?… Because we’ve literally had 30 or 40 years of evidence that you’re not good enough. And if you’re lucky to finally get diagnosed, it’s incredible. And it’s incredible to accept and see it and know that it’s because your brain works differently.

But then you also see all the areas that you’re not good at as well. And it’s a real journey. And I’m not there yet with accepting it.

I don’t want to make this episode into one with all the strategies at the end about what we can do about it. I just feel like that’s really not authentic for me today. And I don’t but I would love to do another episode on RSD with an expert.

I don’t say I’m an expert. I’m not. I’m going to do an episode on RSD with an expert to give us some science, give us some strategies about what we can do.

But what I wanted this podcast to be about was acknowledging that I feel it too. And if you’re not sure if you have RSD, maybe this has made it a bit more clear if you do or if you don’t. And I also want to acknowledge that it sucks.

It’s hard. But we’re in it together. And I’m in this together with you.

I thank you for your feedback. I’d love you to pop me in a review, give me a follow. Or you know what, I’d love you to go on the www.adhdmums.com.au, become a guest, share your experience.

Or if that’s a bit much, you can always do the feedback form too and share what you’d love to see more of and hear more of. So today ADHD Mums made a decision. I am moving on.

I am accepting that I didn’t get the response that I wanted. I was vulnerable. I explained.

I did what I felt was right. And I didn’t get the response that I wanted. But you know what,

that’s okay.

I’m done wasting time on that issue. What I’m going to do is I’m going to move on. Because what I do know about ADHD Mums is we are resilient.

There is no more resilient people, and obviously I’m biased, and this is just my personal opinion, than women with ADHD. We are resilient. The amount of stuff that we brunt on a daily basis and we just get up and go I look back on having three kids under three and a half, having mastitis, and my husband was at work.

I end up going to hospital and having my boob drained. And how sick I was and the push through that comes, or even the whole family having gastro, the whole family having the flu.

Oh my goodness, last year I got COVID from our work Christmas party.

My husband left. He had to go away for a few days, I think it was five, the entire time I had COVID. I had three kids under six.

They didn’t have COVID. I had COVID. I wanted to die.

Honestly, I felt like ringing an ambulance and saying, paramedics, take me to hospital. I need a quiet space. There is no one more resilient than the ADHD Mums, and that’s what I’m going to be channeling today.

We’re going to be moving on this week and on to the next episode. Thank you so much for listening. I hope it was helpful. Feel free to send me some feedback. Have a great day. Have a great week.

We are moving on in the ADHD Mum podcast. Thanks for listening. Bye.