For neurodivergent families, the school system can feel like an unpredictable game — full of buzzwords, policy fog, and glossy brochures that tell you everything and nothing at once. As parents, especially those raising autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent children, we’re not just choosing a school — we’re choosing whether our child will feel safe, seen, and supported.

This guide brings you the real questions, red flags, and invisible roadblocks to help you pick a school that won’t break your kid. Or you.

What Parents Are Often Told vs. What Actually Matters

We’re often told to base our decision on NAPLAN scores, academic results, or distance. But when your child’s safety and inclusion is at stake, those metrics fall apart.

Academic scores do not equal wellbeing. A high-performing school on paper may still demand relentless masking from your child just to keep up. Many such schools build their numbers off the back of rigid compliance — not connection, regulation, or true learning.

Instead of asking how smart is the school?, ask how safe is the school for a dysregulated child?

Red Flags Aren’t Always Loud

Schools will always say they are inclusive. That’s the baseline. Your job isn’t to ask whether they believe in inclusion — it’s to find out whether they understand what inclusion really means.

Here’s what to look out for:

Red Flags	✅ Green Flags
Buzzwords without substance (‘inclusive’, ‘resilient’, ‘whole body listening’)	Specific examples of adjustments made for sensory needs, emotional regulation, and shutdowns
Posters about sitting still, sticker charts, compliance-only classrooms	Flexible seating, safe breakout spaces, universal design strategies
Accommodations “only for diagnosed students”	Support offered regardless of diagnostic status
Focus on student behaviour as rule-following	Understanding behaviour as communication and a nervous system response

✅ Ask Better Questions

You don’t need to come in defensive. Come in informed.

• What do you do if a child shuts down or refuses to enter the classroom?
• Do students have to earn access to sensory rooms or breaks?
• How do you support students who mask all day and collapse at home?
• How many learning support staff are there per grade?
• Can you give an example of a reasonable adjustment you’ve made for a child like mine?

You’re not looking for a perfect answer. You’re looking for awareness, humility, and capacity.

Not All Inclusion Is Real Inclusion

Many schools think they’re inclusive because they integrate neurodivergent kids into mainstream expectations — instead of changing the system around them. But inclusion isn’t just about presence. It’s about belonging without condition.

“Your child doesn’t need to behave a certain way to be respected. They don’t need to mask to deserve safety. Your child isn’t a project to fix. They’re a human being to protect.”

If your child only gets support when they’re quiet, compliant, or high achieving, that’s not inclusion. That’s a conditional pass.

NAPLAN is a Snapshot, Not a Story

A reminder: NAPLAN is not diagnostic. It’s not formative. It doesn’t even reach the teacher in time to inform instruction. A school’s focus on NAPLAN may indicate a system too focused on standardised outcomes — and not enough on child development.

What Research Shows

Neurodivergent children are most often excluded not by schools themselves, but by the actions, expectations, and social scripts of neurotypical parents and peers.

Studies have shown that:

• ND kids are less likely to be invited to birthday parties or playdates.
• NT parents may directly or indirectly discourage their children from engaging with ND peers due to fear, misinformation, or social discomfort.
• Peer exclusion contributes significantly to school-based trauma and emotional dysregulation.

Inclusion doesn’t happen with posters. It happens when neurotypical children go home to parents who model empathy.

If You Get It Wrong — That’s Okay

You might pick a school that looks perfect on paper and still end up needing to leave. That’s not your fault. The system is not yet built for us.

“You may pick one option for a time, then change. Your schooling might look different at different times.”

Be open to evolving with your child. They are not a linear project. Neither is your school journey.

✨ Note from Jane:

True inclusion is quiet. It’s felt. It’s not about how good the school sounds — it’s how well your child is understood.

You are not overreacting. You are not asking for too much. You are parenting in a system that doesn’t know how to hold your child. But that doesn’t mean you stop asking it to try.

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