QUICK RESET: The ADHD Myth of 'Just try Harder'
If you’ve ever looked around your house and thought, “I just need to get my shit together,” while sitting in the exact same spot for 40 minutes — this is for you.
Because that inner voice that says “just try harder”?
It’s not motivation. It’s internalised ableism.
And for ADHD mums, it’s the myth we’ve been handed over and over again. If you just tried harder, you wouldn’t be late. If you just planned better, the mornings wouldn’t feel like a war zone. If you just had a little more willpower, everything would be fine.
But here’s the reality: most ADHD mums are already trying too hard — and it’s burning us out.
ADHD isn’t a motivation issue. It’s a regulation issue.
ADHD doesn’t mean you’re lazy. It means your brain processes motivation, attention, and urgency differently. So when someone says, “just get started,” they’re ignoring the neurological roadblocks between wanting to do something and being able to start it.
Executive dysfunction isn’t solved by trying harder. In fact, the harder you push, the more shame you feel — and shame shuts down executive function even more.
It’s a loop. And many of us have been stuck in it since childhood.
If trying harder worked, you’d already be thriving.
Let’s be clear: most ADHD mums are high-effort humans. You’re not coasting through life making excuses. You’re often:
- Juggling medical admin, school needs, sensory meltdowns and unpaid mental labour
- Overcompensating to appear ‘on top of things’
- Silently comparing yourself to other parents who don’t have to fight their brain to do dishes
You’re trying harder than most people ever have to. And yet, you still feel behind — because the system is built around brains that function differently than yours.
You don’t get to choose hyperfocus
One of the cruellest misunderstandings about ADHD is this: “Well, if you can hyperfocus on your hobbies, you must be able to focus when you want.”
Nope.
Hyperfocus is not a superpower switch you flip. It’s often involuntary. It’s dopamine-driven. It’s our brain latching onto what feels interesting or urgent — not what’s practical or socially expected.
So yes, you might forget to feed yourself but spend four hours researching the best lunchbox containers. That doesn’t make you lazy. It makes you neurodivergent.
The myth of willpower is keeping mums in shame
This belief — that everything comes down to effort — is quietly destroying ADHD women. It keeps us stuck in:
- Overfunctioning to the point of collapse
- Hiding the parts of our life that feel chaotic
- Blaming ourselves instead of questioning the systems we’re forced to operate in
And it leaves no room for support, tools, or actually understanding how our brains work.
Because if the problem is willpower, the only solution is to try harder. But if the problem is neurological — the solution has to look different.
What helps instead?
- Externalise your support. Use visual cues, timers, checklists, whiteboards. Make your thinking visible.
- Work with your dopamine, not against it. Use interest, urgency, novelty, or social connection to get started.
- Lower the bar on purpose. Done is always better than perfect.
- Build your plans around your energy, not your ideal self.
- Ditch moral language like ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘lazy’, or ‘productive’. Replace it with: regulated, resourced, rested, overloaded.
- Stop assuming you’ll just ‘figure it out’. Systems matter. Even if they feel boring.
Final thought
If you’re staring at your to-do list wondering why you can’t just do it — it’s not because you’re broken.
It’s because the ADHD brain doesn’t run on guilt-powered urgency.
You don’t need to try harder. You need to feel less shame, more safety, and have systems that support how you actually function.
Trying harder won’t change your wiring.
But understanding it? That’s where everything begins.
