Jane McFadden:
Hello and welcome to ADHD Mums. Today’s quick reset is 10 Things That Scare Me as an ADHD Mum.

Now, I am scared of spiders and heights, but I choose not to do activities that will expose me to either. However, I’m more scared of forgetting that it’s library day and watching my preppie’s face fall when he gets into the car and says he was the only one that wasn’t able to borrow a book that week.

I’m also scared of what happens when the school calls yet again. Have you ever cried in the car because you forgot the school disco was on and you didn’t pay the fee and your child didn’t get to go? Have you had the school call to tell you your child doesn’t have a lunchbox—or that they didn’t get to go on the excursion because you forgot the permission slip?

Now, feeling scared of forgetting library day or dreading when the school calls—these aren’t actually irrational fears. They can be really learned responses to situations that have happened in the past.

We don’t parent from panic because we’re fragile people. We do it because the systems we’re parenting in aren’t built for our brains or our kids. And so, we honestly just struggle to keep up.

I also believe—personal opinion—it has never been so busy for mums as it is now. There are a lot of neurotypical mums that can barely keep up and keep their head above water. So what chance do we have as neurodivergent mums?

ADHD mums are constantly managing a nervous system that’s been trained by years of just not really quite getting it right and being told over and over again: just try harder, get more organised, keep up, everyone else is doing it.

Those beliefs can start when you’re a child. Maybe you’re struggling with self-care, getting yourself ready for school, and you have adults around you saying:
“Just put the stuff in your bag.”
“Just remember the library bag.”
“Oh well, that’s up to you.”

Maybe you weren’t diagnosed with ADHD as a child—as many of us weren’t—so we were just told we needed to keep up.

The amount of effort we’ve used just to keep up has resulted in some of us developing anxiety or a hypervigilance response around being organised—because we’re always just waiting to forget something at any moment.

So when your brain has lagging executive function, if you’ve got poor working memory and your task initiation isn’t great, small misses can feel really massive—and it can happen really often.

Our bodies, as mums, tend to remember every time we were told we weren’t trying hard enough. That memory triggers a fear response—anxiety.

It’s actually a really normal response to fear, or being scared around some of these things that have actually happened to us. It can really represent an inner feeling of generalised anxiety or hypervigilance. Of course, this is different for everybody.

I’m talking about a lot of women that I see, speak to, and also myself.

Jane McFadden:
 So here it is: The 10 Things That Scare Me.
 And I wonder how many of them you also have.

I’m scared my kids will remember me and refer to me as a chaotic mother, not as a loving and kind mother.
I’m scared that the chaos will overshadow the other attributes I try so hard to give.

I’m scared I’ll completely burn out before they’re teenagers and then I’ll miss something.

I’m scared the teachers think I’m the problem—not the system—and that they actively avoid me when they see me.

I’m scared that one day I won’t bounce back from burnout and my kids will witness it and think they caused it.

I’m scared that my kids’ struggles are actually my fault.

I’m scared of how hard it is to keep up with all the paperwork for school, the NDIS, and everything my kids need. I’m scared that one day I’ll take my finger off the pulse, lose track, and we’ll lose funding or therapies they so desperately need.

I’m scared of asking for help and being told I should be coping.

I’m scared that masking is the only way I can be accepted with friends—and that if I were truly myself, I’d be left out.

I’m scared that, fundamentally, I’m just not enough for my kids and they need more.

I’m scared I just won’t be around long enough.
My chronic health, my heart condition, the fatigue, the way I don’t prioritise myself, my half-managed health conditions—I’m worried they’ll catch up with me before my kids stop needing me this much.

I worry about missing their milestones. About not being there to see them get married—because I’ve spent too long barely surviving and not prioritising myself.

Jane McFadden:
 Okay, so that was a lot.
But I am known for my straight-talking, honesty, and vulnerability.

And it’s okay if some of these fears live underneath your surface. Saying them out loud isn’t a weakness—it can really help you acknowledge them and move forward.

Vulnerability isn’t oversharing. When you’ve been forced to carry this much alone, sometimes the burden being shared is really helpful.

If you’ve ever wondered whether anyone else lies awake thinking about these things—the answer is yes.
And naming them doesn’t make them heavier. It makes them more human.

The fears don’t make you weak—they make you aware.
 Aware of how much pressure you’re under.
Aware of how little support there is.
Aware of how powerful it is to say the quiet parts out loud.

Jane McFadden:
 So, are these overreactions? Is this just anxiety talking?

Let’s look at that.
We know that ADHD and neurodivergent brains show a real increase in amygdala activation. I’ll put all the references in the show notes.

This means we’re wired to detect threat more intensely—especially emotional and social threats.

So, if we’re wired to detect threat more intensely, we’re also wired to protect our children—intensely. That can contribute to some of the fears I just listed.

At the same time, we have under-activation in the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain that manages regulation and emotional downshifting. That’s according to Shaw, and I’ll link the research.

We also know that ADHD is linked to higher rates of rejection sensitivity dysphoria—so perceived criticism or failure can feel physically unbearable.

If we feel like we’re not getting it right or we’re going to miss something—it can feel physically unbearable.

And we know that 47% of adults with ADHD meet the criteria for an anxiety disorder.
However, they’re often dismissed as “just stressed.”

If you’re wondering whether you have generalised anxiety disorder, please seek medical advice. If you’ve been dismissed, you may want to get a second opinion.

Jane McFadden:
 So, when we look at a mum panicking about school admin—it’s not that she lacks resilience.

I believe ADHD mums and kids are incredibly resilient.
I don’t see ADHD people—children or adults—as being less resilient than neurotypicals.

We know that children with ADHD receive, on average, 20,000 more negative comments than neurotypical children by adolescence.

Things like:
“Focus.”
“Stop talking.”
“Sit still.”
“Why can’t you just put your shoes on like your sister?”
“You’re too much.”
“You’re too intense.”

These chip away at our self-esteem and build up a shame-based internal narrative.

This is a mismatch between executive function and environmental expectations.

It’s not that the ADHD child is “bad”—it’s that the system keeps penalising the way their brain processes information.

Jane McFadden:
 Let’s look at some of the common myths around these fears.

Myth one: Every mum feels overwhelmed or scared—that’s not an ADHD thing.
Fact: Yes, all mums feel that. But ADHD compounds the overwhelm.

A 2019 study by Young found that mothers with ADHD reported significantly lower parenting confidence and higher anxiety, even when all other life stressors were accounted for.

It’s not just about how much we’re holding. It’s that our brain doesn’t filter anything out.

The mental noise can be constant and unrelenting.

Myth two: You’re catastrophising—your kids won’t remember if you forgot library day.
Fact: They might not—but I will.

ADHD can create emotional time travel.
We relive shame like it’s happening right now.

Our nervous systems can’t always tell the difference between past stress and current threat—so we stay stuck in hypervigilance.

Myth three: If it’s that hard, maybe you shouldn’t have had kids.
Or: “You’re the one who wanted three kids.”

This isn’t about regret.
It’s about calling out the invisible expectations placed on ADHD mums—especially those without a diagnosis, who can’t take medication, or don’t have support.

A 2023 study on women’s health found that neurodivergent mums are 70% less likely to access parenting or perinatal care than neurotypical mums.

That’s not a personal failure. That’s a system issue.

Myth four: People with ADHD use it as an excuse.
Fact: There’s a difference between an excuse and an explanation.

Saying, “I didn’t finish my uni degree because I didn’t have access to ADHD meds” might be completely true.

We don’t call a wheelchair user’s accessibility issue an “excuse.” We call it what it is: a barrier.

ADHD is a neurological condition—not an excuse.

Jane McFadden:
 So, the fear isn’t that you’re doing something wrong.

The fear is a sign you care deeply. A sign you’ve been carrying the load for a long time.

Saying your fears out loud doesn’t make them worse. It can actually lighten the load.

If you have someone you can talk to, I encourage you to. If not, connect with the Facebook group.

Post anonymously if you need to. Just know: the fear you feel isn’t unique to you.

Deep down, many of us share the same flavour of fears. They sound like: “I’m not good enough.”
 The stories vary, but the fear is the same.

If we keep pretending we’re fine, we stay alone.

This is your quick reset for this week.
And you’ve already started—just by listening.

You don’t need to push harder.
You don’t need to try harder.
You need to feel safer.

Take the pressure off.

Please connect with the Facebook group, or a friend.
Share this episode with someone who needs to hear it.

And let your feelings be real.

You don’t have to earn rest.
You don’t have to perform to be worthy.
You’re allowed to be a work in progress and still be powerful, valued, and loved.

I’ll be right here next time you need a reset.
Have a great week.