Jane McFadden:
Welcome to the ADHD Mums Podcast, a safe place for everyday Australian mums to discuss their struggles with ADHD, motherhood and life. Hello and welcome to the next episode of ADHD Mums. This is a quick tip episode.

I’m going to try and make it short. I’m notoriously bad. The 10 minute episodes on Thursdays pretty much have always been at least 30 to 40 minutes so far. So I’m going to try and reduce it down. I’m not a parenting expert. I’m a neuroscientist and really passionate about women and mums clearly.

And I just think that we get overlooked so often and a lot of us have been misdiagnosed. We felt that there’s been something not right with us our whole life or maybe we’ve had health professionals let us know that possibly our parenting is the issue with the children because they’re not seeing anything in the appointment or at school. So I’m very passionate about women because I think we often have a rough ride and we get saddled with a lot of the mental load, the cumulative effects of ADHD that if you’re in a heterosexual relationship, I feel like the woman just takes the heat on all of it.

It feels like anyway and a lot of the executive function tasks that are low reward for the ADHD brain, we are left with a lot of those. I think there’s so many resources out there for kids but yet there doesn’t seem to be nearly enough to touch the sides for women or for mums to support us in what we need and being an ADHD mum, there’s just not enough support in my opinion. This is going to be my quick tip episode on some of the things that I think work.

I hear a lot, my ADHD child absolutely refuses to do anything he is asked. Don’t we all? We’ve all felt this, right? So sometimes parents and children get into a pattern with daily tasks like homework, getting to bed, doing teeth, toilet and it’s a constant battle. In most cases, eventually after you ask them 17 times, the child will eventually brush their teeth but the conflict leaves everyone upset or maybe they never brush their teeth that day.

But regardless of whether you get the teeth brushed or not, the conflict takes a toll and when you’re in a battle on every single basic human necessity, it can be draining especially across multiple children. For me, one of the best things I’ve done to combat the constant battle is to set up a stronger routine and a stronger structure. So for example, my kids will fight over whose turn it is to do absolutely everything.

So I’ve had to make a roster for absolutely everything that the kids do and we’ve had to, for example, get two separate steps. This is your one, Billy. This is your one, Gus. This is how you brush your teeth. You do it separately. You have your own toothpaste, Billy. This is your name on it. We don’t need to fight over the one because you each have your own. So setting up the routine and making it really fair.

For example, we have a highly structured morning in that this is all the things that you must do. They’re written out clearly with timers and we have a visual timer for my daughter. She’s eight and a half with the total amount of time left. She will have three tasks, which might be brush her hair, put her shoes on and brush her teeth. She’ll have 40 minutes to do that and that is still a struggle for her. But it does mean that I have to wander around after her reminding her less because she can actually see visually how much time she has.

If she stares off into the distance for 30 minutes of that, which is a strong possibility, she will do it all in the last 10 minutes or she will do it in her own way. But having a visual calendar with what she needs to do written and she can read makes it a lot easier for her. And having the same routine and the same structure every day really works for us in that nothing’s a surprise. They know that this is going to come next. It’s not like they’re thinking, well, yesterday I watched TV for half an hour and you didn’t make me brush my teeth. Why can’t I do that today? So creating a really strong structure really helps.

Now, I struggled to do that before I was diagnosed and medicated and I don’t think that’s something that I could do without being diagnosed and medicated. So if you’re somebody that’s like, well, that’s just an overwhelming task, I get it. I understand it. Maybe just pick one part of the day. That’s most crucial. Maybe just talk to them about it if they’re older. See if it works. You don’t necessarily have to go into a complete, you know, you’d have to take the day off work to structure every single part of it. Start somewhere and see if you can get a few small wins. My kids definitely react better when they know what’s required. It’s the same. It’s a heavy routine and they know whose turn it is.

I hear a lot, my child does not care about consequences. Let’s say, for example, if you’re saying, well, you can’t have your iPad or you can’t go to that birthday party and your child doesn’t care, doesn’t listen and you have to reinforce that and then there’s all those memes around when I take my kid’s iPad, I’m the one who loses, that kind of thing. I think punishment doesn’t always work. It doesn’t work for my kids anyway. That’s not to say it doesn’t work generally and that’s not to say it’s bad. I don’t find that punishment works in my house.

A lot of people say it works short-term but they’re not sure if it works long-term. Personally, it does not work for me short-term or long-term. It creates, for me, a disconnection between me and my child in terms of just punishing them, taking things or saying, if you don’t get up and do this now, I’m going to take your iPad later on today and tomorrow and you won’t have it then either. That doesn’t work for my kids.

I do, however, believe in natural consequences and I think that there’s two things really that need to be there for resilience building and that is that they need to be well-rested and in a decent mood emotionally so you wouldn’t introduce natural consequences to a child that was exhausted or overwhelmed or they just changed schools, they’d started new medication, that wouldn’t be something I would do. It also has to be a safe environment.

If you haven’t done this before, depending on how old your kids are, always let them know that this is what you’re going to be doing first. Don’t save them from everything every step of the way and then suddenly out of nowhere, just go, well, I’m going to do natural consequences now. Say nothing to anybody and then your child’s like, what is going on? So let them know, hey, I’m confident that you can remember to put your drink bottle in your bag and I’m not going to be reminding you or I’ll remind you once or twice or I’ll put it on the wall or you’re old enough to remember yourself now.

I’m not going to check it and I’m not going to pop it in. So if you forget, you’ll just have to grab a cup and fill it from the bubbler. Let them know and then if you see it that they haven’t remembered, let them experience it. It’s a way of ensuring that your children start to developmentally grow and take responsibility for themselves in safe environments. We wouldn’t want to do this if it was a dangerous situation. For example, if my child walks on the road and they get hit by a car, that will be natural consequences. Obviously, in a car park, I would not do natural consequences because I think it could be a very dangerous situation.

Okay, my child doesn’t take me seriously. Why doesn’t your child show respect for you or the rules? Are they clear? Important rules should be very clear and if your child can read, they should be on the wall somewhere. I think if you have house rules or you have rules that are really important to you, you need to get buy-in from the children and from your family. One of the biggest mistakes I see is when a parent has some rules in their brain and they haven’t really communicated it to anybody. Their partner’s not really on board with whatever the rule is and the kids aren’t really on board and then the parent is just like so upset that no one’s following their rule that they’ve never really communicated properly and explained to everybody else and got buy-in.

In terms of rules, your children really need to be participating in the creation and the definition of the rules. Even a young child can, otherwise it’s really difficult to expect that child to participate. If you want your child to respect the rules, you need to enforce them consistently. This doesn’t mean forgetting about the rules because you are feeling guilty about something else, you are very tired, you can’t be bothered or it just doesn’t suit you that day. One of the biggest problems as parents is that we make empty threats or we bluff or we say we’re going to do something and we don’t and then now we are not credible as an authority figure in the house because you talk about doing things that you don’t ever do or you say we’re all going to sit at the table for dinner every Sunday night but then you get tired and then you just go, don’t worry about it, let’s just sit down on the ground or put the TV on. Maybe you have a rule that no one is allowed to use specific words but then when you get the shits, you use those words or you let people use those words or you make a joke out of it.

If you’re really serious about a set of rules, you need to be very specific and have only a couple of them. Kids like to push and one of the reasons that they push is because they want to see where the line is. If you show them where that line is, most of the time, not every time, they will stop pushing.

Let’s use iPads for an example. One of my kids asked me for an iPad all the time, all the time or he would go and grab it, find it, he even turned on the parental apps in my phone and he would go and play it. Can I, can I, can I, it was constant. So what I’ve done is I’ve had to write down for him when the iPad time is and I don’t ever deviate from that plan and when I’ve enforced that enough times, he doesn’t ask. He knows what the answer is. I repeat it like a broken record. He has nowhere to go. If he says to me on a Thursday, can I have my iPad? I say, oh, is it a weekday? And he says, yes. I go, oh, do we have iPads on weekdays? No. Okay, well, there’s your answer. If it’s Friday morning, is it Friday? It’s Friday. Can we have our iPad? I go, oh, is it Friday afternoon? He’ll go, no. Okay, well, we have iPads for half an hour on Friday afternoons. It’s always the same answer.

Common one I hear is my child overreacts to pretty much everything. We need to be aware that sometimes a lot of us have a setup in our brain that’s quite emotional. So surprisingly, children are going to have a similar brain. For example, a child may react really intensely to maybe getting into trouble or maybe you’ve changed the rule and you’ve said no more YouTube. They may react massively or maybe it’s just that the lunchbox got lost or it went through the dishwasher and they need a new one and they didn’t want the one with the green lid. They wanted the white one with the white lid. They can experience really intense anger over some things that are quite small.

Remember though, it’s relative. So I always try and take the child’s perspective because I think, okay, well, for them, that lunchbox is a really important part of their social interaction and maybe their lunchbox is the same as their friends. Maybe there’s someone that they’re worried about and they have the same lid on their lunchbox. What is it about it that is a big deal? And again, if you change the rules on these kids and you go, oh, well, now we’re going to go down for fish and chips with a friend and you’re expecting them to be okay about it. Well, they may feel really upset that maybe that half an hour iPad time on Friday, they’ve been looking forward to a week and you’ve taken that away. It may not seem like a big deal for us, but you’ve got to remember it can be for them.

It can be their whole world what you’ve just changed. So when a storm of big emotions come over your child, that’s not a great time to reason with them. For example, if I’m really upset about something and someone says to me, why don’t you go for a walk or take a breath or calm down, that’s not helpful. Try and think about what works for you. For me, I need a bit of a moment and I need to have my feelings acknowledged that it’s pretty shit. For example, if one of my kids is really upset because let’s say their green lunchbox has gone through the dishwasher and I’ve only got a white lidded one, which they don’t like, and they’ve got to go to school.

I don’t just jump in front of them with a white lunchbox and go, this is fine. Look, it’s exactly the same. I don’t know what the big deal is and minimise it. For them, way too early. If you’re thinking to yourself, I don’t have time for this, trust me is quicker than going in there and just trying to minimise it and show them something else and distract them. Or if you’re one of those people that goes, oh my God, I’ll do anything to stop them from crying. So I’ll just take them to Coles and buy another one on the way to school or something. That’s not necessarily the solution either.

Regardless of what the situation is, what I do is I’ll get down low with them, take a breath. Hey, that’s pretty hard. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you went through the dishwasher. I feel really bad. You really liked that, didn’t you? Sorry. Are you all right? Or, you know, that’s probably too much talking. Just give them a hug and acknowledge and let them be okay in that moment that that is really upsetting for them. They’re not going to be able to hear you if you start to reason with them at that point. They’re not going to hear you if you say you can have another one. Don’t worry, there’ll be another lunchbox. They’re not going to hear you. It’s best to not say anything until they’re ready.

I usually try and get my kids talking and I’ll get them to go, this is awful. I hate this. I don’t want it and get them to get all their words out. It usually doesn’t take that long. And then I usually put it back on them when I think they’ve calmed down a bit. What do you think we can do about this? You’re the best problem solver I’ve known. What do you think we can do for the lunchbox for today? Because that lid’s just not opening now. What do you reckon? And generally, to be honest, my kids will go, oh, I’ll just have to have that white one. Or can you wrap all the stuff in glad wrap? Or can you just put it in an esky bag? Or could you just order me tuck shop? They will generally have some kind of problem solving thing with them.

If they don’t, I might offer a couple of solutions. I know you don’t like the white box, but do you want to take that one? Or how about I give you my work lunchbox? What about that container? Would that work for you? At that point, when you’re trying to get in the car, tuck shop seems cheap, right? So I’d probably offer tuck shop too. Just remember that it may seem like a small thing to you, but don’t minimise it. It’s pretty rough. I always kind of look at things in terms of sometimes my husband doesn’t understand why something’s such a big deal, but for me it is. And if he’s to say to me, well, what’s the problem? That’s not a big deal. I get so angry and I don’t feel connected. So think about what you need in those moments. And I usually offer the same.

And when you start doing it regularly, you’ll find it works or it works quicker because your kids know when you come over, you’re there to help. Last one, my kids won’t listen to me. It is hard with kids to get them to listen. Sometimes, especially when you’re trying to explain something, it doesn’t seem like it’s getting through. Neurodivergent children, they listen differently. So maybe if they’re playing with something in their hands, maybe they are listening.

I do check in if that feels like they’re not listening and going, hey, what did I just say? Are you sure you’re listening? But they kind of know I’m going to do that now. So they’ll go, yeah, you were saying this. If you feel like your child’s tuning out a lot, I would have a bit of a think. Are you being a bit negative and critical? And are your chats often negative? Like you’re not doing this right. This is what you need to do better. People want to switch off if that’s the conversation.

I would too. Do you focus too much on the problem and not on the solution? Also think, does your conversation involve a lecture? Does the child get to actually say anything? Or do you just deliver what you’ve already decided? For me, I don’t get much buy-in when I lecture a child or when I lecture anybody, actually. And I say this to my husband because he will say, oh, well, I just told him that’s how it was. I’m like, well, how do you feel when you get told that’s how it is? It’s been a good way to frame in how that would feel for a child.

If I’m having a chat with my child and I have something I want to deliver, I first off say, hey, this has been a bit of a problem getting ready for school, hasn’t it? And they’ll go, yeah. And I’ll go, I feel like I’m just kind of walking around telling you off all the time. And they’ll be like, yeah, you are. I just don’t know what we can do differently because I just want you to be there on time. So, you know, you’ve got everything you need and you’re there with your friends.

But like, I don’t know what else to do. And obviously, it’s got to be age appropriate, but I usually get them to give me some buy-in. Most of the time, my kids’ solutions are actually better than mine. For example, if my solutions, oh, we’ll have to have this visual timer and every 10 minutes, I will come back and remind you. Usually, they will say something even easier for me. Like, oh, just do the hour visual timer and I’ll get it done. Trust me. And then I’m like, okay. And then I’ll negotiate, okay, I’ll come and check on you in the 30 minutes.

And the next thing you know, I’ve had more time. I was going to suggest a 10-minute check-in. They’ve just suggested a 30. So often, depending on the age of your child, you’ll find that they know the answer. And suddenly, they’re invested. They want to show me how grown-up they are and that they know better than me. And so, I let them. Great. I hope you know better than me. I hope your solution is better.

So, have a bit of a think about how you like to be treated when you’re upset, what response you like from a partner or a friend, how you like to tackle problems, and whether you need to be a part of the process for the neurodivergent brain, and what works for you. And if you have a challenging child, sometimes, they’re the ones that are really similar to you.

So, have a think about whether you like it all your way, and that child likes it all their way, and maybe someone has to take the higher ground, and maybe that’s you, the adult. So, think about the flexibility and what worked for you as a kid. What would your parent have wanted? What would you have loved your parent to do? And give your child some self-responsibility and some leadership opportunities.

It’s my strong belief that ADHD children really go well with positive feedback and leadership, and see what you can pass back to them to build them up. Maybe you relax a little bit in terms of your expectations. We want to be really careful that we’re not giving our children things to do that are beyond their developmental capability.

Are they really able to go out for dinner, or do you just spend the whole time telling them off because they’re not sitting still? It’s the question of whether they should be there at all, and whether you needed to go out for dinner and hire a babysitter and let them be in their own space, or maybe you go to a restaurant with an attached kids room. Think about everything from their point of view, and let them have the buy-in. And obviously, this is not a one-size-fits-all. This is just some things that I’ve changed my approach on that I think work. And connection first, love always, consistent, and going with a united front with you and whatever other caregivers are in your house.

Thank you so much for listening, and I hope this was helpful. The key message here is you are not alone. Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, follow us on Instagram, or head over and join our amazing ADHD Mums podcast Facebook community. Everything you do matters and helps to spread the word about what neurodiversity in females looks like.