If you can’t sit down without guilt, can’t ask for help without panic, and can’t stop people-pleasing even when you’re drowning — you might be a good girl in recovery.

And if you’re a Autistic or ADHD Mum? That recovery is 10x harder.

Because neurodivergent women aren’t just raised to be helpful, quiet and selfless. We’re trained to mask, to please, to read the room before we read our own needs.

This is what good girl conditioning looks like when it collides with motherhood:

• Guilt when you rest
• Panic when someone else isn’t happy
• Shame when you say no
• Constant scanning for who needs what
• Feeling broken when you can’t do it all perfectly

It’s not a personality flaw. It’s conditioning.

You weren’t born thinking your needs were too much. You learned it. At home. At school. In society. From watching your mum push through.

You were praised for being quiet, helpful, easy. You were shamed for being emotional, outspoken, strong-willed.

That’s not just your wiring. That’s programming.

And it’s why you’re burnt out now.

Because when motherhood piles on never-ending needs, and your default setting is to ignore your own — what choice do you have but collapse?

You can’t hold up a household while holding in your needs. You can’t be everyone’s support act when no one’s backing you.

And you shouldn’t have to.

What does good girl conditioning sound like?

• ‘You should be able to manage this.’
• ‘Don’t make a fuss.’
• ‘Just be grateful.’
• ‘Don’t say no, it’ll upset them.’
• ‘You don’t need help, you’re strong.’

If these thoughts sound familiar, that’s not just mindset. That’s decades of internalised messaging doing its job.

The neurodivergent twist

Good girl conditioning is bad enough on its own. But if you’re also ADHD or autistic? Here’s what happens:

• You mask harder
• You burn out faster
• You scan the room constantly for social threat
• You become a master of overfunctioning (until you crash)

And when you do crash? The world blames your attitude, not your exhaustion.

Where it shows up in motherhood

• You can’t rest without justifying it
• You can’t stop doing ‘just one more thing’
• You say yes when you mean no (then rage clean about it later)
• You judge yourself for wanting space, quiet, or time alone
• You forget what you even need anymore

The recovery starts here

Not with a personality transplant. With slow, deliberate deconditioning.

Try this:

• Ask yourself once a day: What do I need?
• Practice disappointing someone (yes, really)
• Start asking for help in small ways
• Let things be good enough instead of perfect
• Track what you’ve actually done, not what’s still left

And remember: your kids don’t need a perfect mum. They need a visible one. A real one. One who rests, says no, takes up space, and shows them how.

This blog is based on S3E35: You Were the Good Girl. That’s Why You’re Falling Apart Now – Spotify | Apple Podcast