Episode 37 – ADHD, Autism, or Both? Kara’s Story of Burnout and Sensory Overload

Jane McFadden:
Hello and welcome to ADHD Mums. In this podcast we tackle the tough, often unspoken realities of motherhood, neurodiversity and mental health. Hello and welcome to the next episode of ADHD Mums.

Today we have Cara Lynch here. Welcome to you, Cara. Cara lives in Sydney. She has a husband and two children and she teaches at an all-girls school, teaching design, technology and textiles. Her daughter was diagnosed with ADHD when she was five and since completing the questionnaire for her, Cara has realised how much she relates to all the areas and now at 41, she has just discovered that she’s ADHD as well.

So, Cara, the reason that you contacted me, the reason that I got you on the show was because you sent me an email around burnout and boundaries. Could you give us a little overview about why you contacted about that theme?

Cara Lynch:
I went through a pretty rough period towards the end of last year. Although my daughter was diagnosed at the age of five and I definitely saw some similarities between the two of us, it took me a really long time to actually take the steps forward and get myself some help.

And also, I think I had a bit of that imposter syndrome at the very beginning. Even though I ticked a lot of the boxes that she did, I still thought, oh, you know, it’s such a big amount of money to spend, like I’m not really sure yet.

And then I think once I listened to your podcast and did my own research, I was just like, yeah, a hundred percent. And even my family were like, I think that that’s probably pretty true. And I was able to take the plunge and get myself diagnosed.

But previous to that, I knew that full-time work was something I really struggled with because I do have children with high needs. Just being able to juggle appointments for them and caring for them, I’ve always found a real challenge, especially when working full-time.

And last year, apart from just juggling all that, I just noticed that I was doing so much people pleasing at work. And also I’m highly sensitive. I have a lot of sensory issues.

Because I teach a practical subject, being in noisy environments all the time, that on top of all the responsibilities I was taking on at work, just meant I was coming home from work every day with sensory overload, exhausted, and a million things on my to-do list without a break.

And when you come home with your kids, you’re not able to take a break. You’ve just got to get straight back into cooking dinner, doing their homework, getting all of that done.

I just noticed more and more, I was starting to develop some really intense physical issues. I was starting to get a really bloated stomach. My heart was racing all the time.

All I can say is I just felt like there was this impending doom. I said to my husband, I feel like something really bad’s going to happen. I feel like I’m not in a good place. I feel like I could end up in hospital.

And he said, you got to go see your GP. You just got to go to the doctor.

I went to my GP and she diagnosed me with severe anxiety. I was just really at breakdown point at that point. She was able to get me on to medication, which completely saved me at that point.

It was really the anxiety that was building so much for me that I just couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t even interact with my children properly. I just got to the point where I could not cope.

I was terrified of actually taking them out on my own or being at home by myself with them. Not because I would do anything bad, but because I just knew I couldn’t cope.

I would be crying. If there was one little fight between them, I was just at absolute breaking point and couldn’t handle any situation with them.

I set no boundaries, stuck them on iPads, whatever I needed to do just to have a moment’s peace.

So getting that help — my doctor was really pleased that I came. She said that took a lot of guts because a lot of people just don’t see that before it’s too late.

And I mentioned to her that I’m pretty sure I’ve got some ADHD symptoms and she agreed and said, yeah, okay, I’ll get you a reference and we’ll get onto the path to diagnosis.

Jane McFadden:
Wow. Thanks so much for sharing that because that story feels really familiar for me.

I love the way that you were really specific about how it played out because I think that’s so not spoken about.

I think it was February, March this year, I feel like I was in a very, very similar position — hiding in a walk-in robe, crying at the drop of a hat, unable to take my children to the most basic places for fear that one of them would run off and being completely overwhelmed by very small things.

And I hit a huge burnout over a period of time.

Cara Lynch:
Yeah, look, I mean, I wouldn’t say I’m someone that cries that often, but it just took nothing to set me off.

And like I said, it was very physical, like as soon as my kids would start arguing or a lot of people on your podcast have talked about being in the car with their kids. Oh my God, it’s the worst. It’s a huge trigger.

They just fight. My heart basically felt like it was being squeezed every time they’d start arguing. And I was crying all the time and completely losing control of my emotions.

I just felt like I was not being a good role model for my kids either. They say you put your mask on first. It was that sort of thing.

I feel like, thank goodness I helped myself because otherwise I was going to be of no use to anyone. I’m really glad that I actually did get the help when I did.

And also something else that contributed to my burnout was I’d been doing a lot of heavy masking in my social circle. In my early thirties, my close friendship group, we all separated. Even though we still keep in contact, you don’t have that close network of friends.

And I moved to a new area and didn’t know anyone. I’ve just found it really hard to find people who I can relate to. So I was doing a lot of masking just to try and fit in and figure out where I fit.

That obviously came at a cost as well, because then I’d be coming home going, I’m not being myself. I don’t feel like I’ve got my really close friends here.

So just on top of the work, the kids, the house, not having my social circle, I felt like this impending doom just all came at me all at once last year.

Jane McFadden:
I love the way you say impending doom, because my husband doesn’t really understand anxiety.

I said to him, it’s like The Walking Dead is coming, but there’s no specific thing. So if he problem solves one thing, he’s like, don’t you feel better? And I’m like, well, no, because The Walking Dead is still coming.

I find another problem to focus on. So I love the way you put that as an example.

Cara Lynch:
Yeah, I don’t think my husband really got it either. It was only when I got to the point where I was on the couch sobbing in absolute inconsolability.

But you know, our son, he just wouldn’t put his shoes on. That’s all. I’m like, yeah, but we can’t get out of the house because he won’t put his shoes on.

It was those sort of little things really getting to me. My husband was just like, okay, yeah, you need to go and get some help, because I just couldn’t cope with anything like that.

Jane McFadden:
One of the things that does irritate me a little bit, and I think this can play out in any gender relationship, but I have a bit of a problem where I feel like if you’re the partner that is having some kind of crisis or breakdown — and I don’t have them very often, and it sounds to me like you don’t either, but when you do, it’s profound —

I’m in a very loving relationship. I love my husband dearly, and I call him a Labrador. He’s like that big dog that everyone loves. You just love him.

He’s adorable and always has the best of intentions, but sometimes he’s a bit clumsy, you know, a bit like a Labrador.

And I felt like I was so far into a full breakdown crisis before there was really any stop from him. Do you feel the same?

It was so difficult to get him to fathom that I actually was really, really unwell because he was thinking, well, you’re still driving the kids to school. You’re still releasing episodes. You’re still cooking dinner. You seem like you’re okay.

But you’re broken inside, but people think you’re okay because you’re doing the basics. It really upset me actually.

Cara Lynch:
Yeah, I think that’s exactly true. Unlike you, I don’t have these massive breakdowns very often. I might have a few mini ones here and there, and it’s always just this big buildup.

I remember saying to my husband once, because I’ve been becoming more aware of my sensory issues — it’s really just a self-awareness now. I’ve always had them there, but now that I’m more aware, I’m able to actually say what my needs are.

I remember we were going to a kite festival as a family. I said, no, I just can’t deal with the noise today. I’m just not going to be able to do that today.

He said, but we used to do that all the time. It was never an issue then. I said, well, it was an issue, but I would just deal with it.

But now that we’ve got the kids and I’m more aware, I know that actually does really affect me.

We decided to go, and it was blasting so loud, right where you could purchase the kites. We’re standing in line with this music blasting.

I said to my husband, I’m not going to be able to do this for very long. This is not going to cut it for me. I need to get out of this space.

So we got the kite, got out of that space. But it was grinding on my nerves — thumping noise, wind in my face, the dog barking.

I said, we got to leave. We got to go.

On the way home, because it was a bit of a trip, the kids had their iPads. My son’s iPad went flat. Then we realised he’d broken the connection to charge it.

Sure enough, we get home — huge tantrum about the iPad. My daughter had hers. He didn’t. He’s screaming, yelling, hitting everything, stomping, slamming cupboards.

The dog’s barking constantly. The noise was absolutely getting to me. I could feel the crushing in my chest.

And on top of all that, our dishwasher broke in the morning. I had to take all the clean dishes out, dry those, then wash all the dishes while the banging and barking was going on.

I just lost it. I threw a plastic bowl across the room, which I felt so ashamed about.

I said, that’s it. I’m leaving. I’ve got to leave.

My son ran outside with me. I was just like, this is not going to happen.

My husband was feeling unwell too. So I kind of had to do all this on my own.

Jane McFadden:
I was about to say, could you tap out at that point and be like, hey, I’m actually going to implode, I need to leave for 10 minutes?

Cara Lynch:
Yeah, look, he tried to sort of help me, but my son’s just so clingy with me. He’s a Velcro kid at the moment. So I just had to leave that and sit down and have a cup of tea and watch a movie with him.

I didn’t get to do anything off my to-do list, but at least we calmed down.

Jane McFadden:
I always find that when I’m dysregulated, my boys particularly pick up on it and they want to be with me more. They chase me more. They whinge at me more.

They won’t leave me alone. The more I ignore them because I can’t cope with them, the more they want me.

And then it goes on and on with hitting, touching me, crying on me, needing to be with me, clingy behaviour.

Then I basically have to push all of my rage and my needs down as far as possible to connect with them.

I don’t want my husband. I have to try and settle them before I can walk around to then regulate myself.

Is that how you feel?

Cara Lynch:
Oh yeah. I’ve been trying to be more proactive with telling my kids about how I’m feeling because I think that’s going to be really important for them — tapping into self-awareness.

So I actually said to my son, mummy has a really hard time processing loud sounds. Any loud sounds make my brain hurt and my tummy hurt.

I feel like if I keep using that kind of language with him, I’m hoping he’ll understand my needs and also start to understand his own needs.

Because he’s the same. He gets upset by loud sounds but also makes a lot of loud sounds.

Jane McFadden:
It’s a typical neurodivergent kid. They don’t want loud sound, but it’s okay if they make them.

Cara Lynch:
Yeah. He’s got this thing where our dog gets set off by tapping because he thinks someone’s at the door. He’s a gentle cocker spaniel, but protective of the house.

My son will just go around the house knocking, tapping, just for the fun of it. He’s sensory seeking. He’s trying to get the input in.

Jane McFadden:
But you’re also very sensitive to input. So he’s going around getting input, which is setting you off.

The only reason I’ve realised that is because that’s my life. I have a very sensory seeking son. He has to make noise, sing, talk.

He actually speaks 100% only in rhetorical questions. Every sentence is a question you have to answer. If you don’t, he’ll repeat it.

So you can’t ignore it. He talks in rhetorical questions only. It’s like being peppered with input.

He’s on your leg, he’s constant. It sounds a bit similar with your son.

Cara Lynch:
Oh yeah. And he’s extremely inquisitive.

He’ll be doing something and then ask the most random question like, how many brains does an octopus have?

Jane McFadden:
Oh, totally. My son’s so similar. He’ll say, mum, I’ve been thinking, how does the moon get up there?

Have you been assessed through an ADOS or an autism assessment?

Cara Lynch:
I haven’t, but it’s definitely been on my radar for a while. Again, I’ve got imposter syndrome because it’s so much money.

With the ADHD diagnosis, I was a hundred percent sure. I knew I’d get a script for medication.

But I’ve been doing research for the last six months. I’ve read about this and heard you talk about it — how sensory issues can be heightened after medication.

It’s crossed my mind, but I haven’t had the confidence to take that leap yet.

I’ve sort of touched on it with my husband and said, oh, this might be me. But it’s hard with women because we do so much masking.

Looking back, there are so many things in my childhood that don’t just seem like ADHD. I definitely think there could be something there, but I’m not quite sure I want to take the leap yet. Plus, it’s a lot of money.

Jane McFadden:
Absolutely. And at the end of it, I think a lot of people are keen on ADHD assessment because there’s the hope of medication. Will it work for everyone? No. But there’s hope something might change.

But if you’re diagnosed autistic, there’s no pill, no fix. It’s just a difference in how you process information and interact with people.

I think fewer women will get diagnosed because it’s a lot of money, and unless you can get on the NDIS, people think, what’s the point?

I don’t actually think what’s the point. I do think self-diagnosis is as good as a formal one. If someone says, I’ve diagnosed myself autistic, it’s not like there’s a limited number of people who can be it.

Personally, I have no issue with that, although I know some people do.

One thing I just wanted to point out, Cara — I have a bit of a pet peeve around ADHD podcasts that talk about sensory issues incorrectly. There’s already so much misdiagnosis.

If you’re listening to a podcast and see yourself in the guest, and they say they only have ADHD yet list traits that could be PTSD or autism, and you assume it’s all ADHD — that’s misleading.

Let’s strip this back. If we talk about noise: ADHD response is I’m writing something and the TV’s on. I can’t concentrate. I can’t get a clear thought.

That’s ADHD noise-related. Particularly interesting when women take medication.

For example, I’ve always been a little noise and light sensitive. Not anything like I am now, thanks to stimulant medication. I still take it because of the benefits.

Before, I’d hear noise but also have raging ADHD. My brain was on eight tracks. I’d hear the music, maybe get irritated, but not sensory overloaded.

Now with medication, it’s quiet inside. The ADHD shield is down. The nerves feel on the outside of my body. All the input hurts me.

That level of sensory overload is more of an autistic trait.

Not diagnosing you, but highlighting that’s not just ADHD sensory issue.

Cara Lynch:
Yeah, making that distinction is really helpful. Because I do feel that it hurts me — the heart racing, the simmering point with noise.

I also get really affected by visual stimulation.

At home, if there are dishes everywhere, I can’t cook dinner. I’ve got to clean it all first. It makes me anxious.

At school, with kids running around, I feel like I’ve been spun around. I get disorientated with all the sensory input.

It’s not that I can’t focus. I just can’t function.

Jane McFadden:
Yes, like my daughter with socks and shoes. She’ll say it physically hurts.

It’s beyond a normal reaction. She screams, she can’t focus.

Here’s the question for you: you’ve been a teacher a long time. How has it changed since diagnosis and medication?

Cara Lynch:
This year I’m working part-time. That’s been the biggest blessing. I’m only working two days a week.

Apart from being medicated, just taking away workload has helped. I’m job sharing too, which feels like body doubling. I’m accountable to someone else.

Last year it was just me, all my classes. If I did everything last minute, it only impacted me.

Now with job sharing, I’ve had to introduce healthy habits. Seeing someone else’s strategies has helped me too.

Jane McFadden:
I think it’s great you’ve been able to put in boundaries and reduce workload.

I want to step back to burnout. You spoke about noise, the classroom, the kids, but also masking and new friends.

Sometimes ADHD mums aren’t sure if they’re masking with friends. Could you step us through the difference between being with an old friend and a new group that led to burnout?

Cara Lynch:
With old friends, it’s being real and having hard conversations, someone listening and getting it. History makes it easier to be vulnerable.

In a new area without that history, you’re less likely to be vulnerable. You don’t have pre-context.

In my 20s, a lot of my friends were probably neurodiverse. We all got along so well. I felt authentic.

Later in life, I’ve had a bit of an identity crisis. Moving to a new area, being older, it’s really hard to make friends in your late 30s and 40s.

I thought I’d make connections with school parents, but I find it hard to navigate. It’s a close-knit suburb. Hard to break into networks.

I’m not great with small talk. I must come across anti-social. I stay in my car until the bell rings, sunglasses on, beeline for the gate.

I might say hello, but I won’t engage in conversation. I just can’t do school chat.

Jane McFadden:
Do you remember, one of the main things that led to me being diagnosed was my daughter hitting prep and having to do small talk at drop-off.

I couldn’t do it. I’d go early, grab her, and leave. The school even approached me.

Other people said it was their funnest part of the day. I couldn’t fathom it.

I realised I hadn’t been around neurotypicals for years. I’d always worked with neurodivergent people, or hired them.

School was the first time being in a truly mixed environment.

Cara Lynch:
Yes. I do have some connections with parents, but I can’t do the group thing.

I don’t know how to get into conversation without being awkward. So I avoid it.

Jane McFadden:
I was at netball the other day. Before medication, I’d chat and watch the game.

Now I can’t do small talk while watching. Too much input. People clapping, the speaker buzzing, men blocking the view, kids playing.

Someone was talking about the weather and lunchboxes. I thought, is that really conversation?

Neurotypicals enjoy it, but I find it painful.

Cara Lynch:
Yes, like talking about what lunchboxes to buy. Who cares?

Jane McFadden:
Exactly. Or solids their kid is eating. I don’t even know your kid.

With a close friend, sure. But with acquaintances, why?

That’s why I didn’t like mothers’ groups. Couldn’t handle it. Plus, my kid was the screamer.

Cara Lynch:
I thought you and I had lived the same life. Some of your examples, I’m like, that’s me.

Jane McFadden:
Yes, and same with you.

I want to ask one more question. Let’s say you’ve had a rough morning, argument with husband, kids disruptive.

With old friends, I assume you’d vent. With new school mums, I always feel pressure to mask and just say, everything’s fine.

Is that what you mean by masking?

Cara Lynch:
Yeah. I feel like if I say how it is, I come across whinging or negative.

An example: we were talking about going to the supermarket. I said, I’d rather be in a jail cell for life than take my kids. They were shocked.

Jane McFadden:
Yes! I feel the same. I say things like, is soccer over yet? I get tired of gearing up again.

There’s one dad with autistic traits — we joke about it. I chat with him because dads are straight shooters.

I said, mate, are you done with soccer? He said, yeah, let’s tell the kids it’s off.

Another mum came over: I just love soccer training! We looked at each other like, oh no.

That’s the masking — if you say what you really think, you risk looking like a bad parent.

Cara Lynch:
Yes, exactly.

And with soccer, my son was keen but refused socks and shin pads — sensory issues. The coach was lovely but said he couldn’t play without them.

He kept refusing to go on. I masked it, saying he was tired. But really, it was sensory.

Eventually we asked if he wanted to play. He said no. It was too much noise, too many people, uniform issues.

It all makes sense now. But weeks of that were a punish.

Jane McFadden:
Yes, and as parents you feel judged, even if people aren’t judging. It’s public. It’s hard.

Cara Lynch:
Exactly. It was a relief when he said no.

One trick I’ve learned is at parties or school events, I pick out the most neurodiverse child and find their parent. They’re usually standing alone.

That’s been my quickest way to find someone real.

Cara Lynch:
I know a couple of parents like that, but haven’t seen them much.

My daughter just had her first playdate ever. She said, mum, other kids have had so many.

That’s my awkwardness. I had to take the leap. It was fine.

I think one-on-one works better for me. Big groups are intimidating.

Jane McFadden:
Yes, playdates are terrifying. You don’t know the parent. The house has to look okay. Kids don’t want to share toys.

Give yourself a break. I don’t do random playdates either.

Anyway, we will finish up. Is there anything else you’d like to share before we go?

Cara Lynch:
One thing I’ve found helpful is journaling. I started using an app with templates, writing notes about sensory issues.

It helps me track and monitor. Last year I lacked self-awareness. Now I’m identifying what I need. That’s been key for setting boundaries.

Jane McFadden:
Excellent. Thank you so much for your time, Cara. It’s been such a great interview. I really appreciate it.

Cara Lynch:
Thanks so much, Jane. Thanks for having me on.

Jane McFadden:
The key message here is you are not alone. Thank you for listening.

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