Episode 48 – Why ADHD Mums Feel Overwhelmed at Christmas (and How to Fix It!) [Solo Episode] with Jane McFadden

Jane McFadden:

Welcome back to ADHD Mums, the podcast where we tackle the chaos and the beauty of neurodivergent motherhood. I’m Jane and today we’re diving into a topic that’s on a lot of our minds right now. It is handling conflict and navigating relationships at Christmas.

Christmas is often described as one of the most wonderful times of year, but let’s be honest, for most of us, it’s incredibly overwhelming. There’s so much lead up and a lot of us actually dread this time of year. Family dynamics, unspoken expectations, sensory overload and the pressure to create these perfect memories can just feel too much.

Especially when you’re juggling ADHD, you’re struggling to get through most days on a routine, let alone the intense pressure that Christmas brings and also supporting neurodivergent children. So today I want to talk about how to make Christmas less stressful and more about joy. I’m going to share practical strategies, research-backed insights and some personal stories to help you handle conflict, set boundaries and reclaim the holiday spirit.

And yes, I’m even going to address if you have a child that will not eat Christmas lunch. Let’s get into it.

Firstly, why do family dynamics feel really intense? Because Christmas seems to amplify every little tension that’s been there all year and it’s a way to either have so much heavy energy and unrest or have explosions. Research from 2021, the Monash University found that 70% of Australians feel fight and stress over the holiday season. And you might be like, yeah, of course that’s right. However, family tension is the major factor of that fight and stress.

Our own family and the pressure to create that perfect vibe or extended family dilemmas are the things that make it so stressful. For a neurodivergent brain, the stress can only be magnified because we’re already working overtime to manage sensory input, emotional regulation and social cues. A lot of us are really going to struggle around unspoken expectation.

Communication, especially amongst family members, can be really tricky. If you’re neurodivergent, you may have a neurodivergent family, which means you can have so much going on here. For example, you have someone with ADHD impulsively saying, let’s have Christmas at my house and I’m going to cook this turkey from scratch and I’m going to do this and I’m going to do that. Not thinking anything through and not communicating actually what’s happening with everybody around them.

You can have other people who are autistic who are really needing this whole social story about what’s going to happen and when and who’s bringing what. It can feel like a hot mess socially. Even the people with the best of intentions, with the most beautiful loving family, can find that this sometimes gets really missed.

I remember a couple of Christmases ago, we had extended family and I asked them a number of times whether we were bringing presents and they never replied with whether we were bringing presents or not. For me, I was like, well, we’re not doing presents then and then they arrived with presents.

It was so awkward because they had kids that adults gave my husband and I a gift but I didn’t give their children a gift because they didn’t tell me to. Now, imagine how rude this would have looked like. I would imagine with a neurodivergent family, you probably got someone with ADHD on the end of that text message who forgot to reply a number of times or maybe were not sure or maybe thought it was obvious.

But for me, I was like, well, unless I’m specifically being told that we’re doing presents, I’m assuming we’re not. I’ve asked you, you’ve not replied. But however, now being a bit more further through my motherhood journey, I can see how socially bad it is to arrive or to go somewhere without presents for people’s children.

However, for me, I was like, I’m checking in with you, you’re not replying so I assume we’re not doing it. So these kind of things can be really tricky to navigate. These unspoken expectations really leave it open for a neurotypical person or maybe another family member would have said that that was really rude. But unless it’s really laid out for some neurodivergent people, they’re not going to pick up exactly what is being said.

The other thing that I think is really important to say here is that Mel Robbins has come out with a let them concept. And what it is, it’s a mindset tool that teaches you to just let people make their own choices and live their lives and stop making it your job or responsibility to manage or control what other people are doing.

So this doesn’t mean, you know, if someone’s cheating on you in a relationship, you just let them or someone’s walking all over you, you just let them. It’s not that at all. But it’s about stopping attempting to control situations and people and let them be who they are.

Mel Robbins talks about too much time and energy being wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. The key takeaway here is to recognize the dynamics, decide what’s worth your energy and let the rest go. In the Christmas context, if Uncle Pete wants to critique your choice of dessert, let him. If Aunt Karen wants to comment on your parenting style, let her. Their opinions are theirs and they don’t need to affect you.

I know that that whole part is easier said than done. If you’re struggling with that initial part about why dynamics feel so intense and how can you just let them, go and have a look at Mel Robbins’ podcast and check out her let them concept and go through it more deeply.

I also want to really acknowledge that there will be a lot of neurodivergent people on this podcast that are going to struggle. So I wouldn’t imagine anybody listening to this podcast episode one time and can just automatically do the let them concept at Christmas. I would not expect that whatsoever. But I’m laying the foundations of some things that you could try, look more into.

It is a stressful time. Don’t put pressure on yourself to enjoy every moment or any moment. Sometimes it’s really tough.

Next part is setting boundaries without guilt. Boundaries are so hard for anybody, but for ADHD mums, they can feel impossible. When you’re neurodivergent, the guilt, the people pleasing, the anxiety, the overthinking it, feeling like it’s always your fault, you never get it right, you never fit in, all of these thoughts are completely valid.

According to Beyond Blue, clear boundaries are the critical factor in reducing holiday stress. For ADHD families and neurodivergent families, boundaries also prevent sensory and emotional overload. If you can set boundaries and hold them, you will hands down have a better holiday period.

Setting boundaries is so tricky and I struggle with it. One thing that I think has really changed for me is the way that I set boundaries and the language that I use. So for example, if I say, I don’t think I can make it, it opens it up to, why can’t you? I’ll come pick you up. Don’t worry about that. Bring the kids. It’ll be fun.

Whereas I say now, I’d love to, but I’m sorry I can’t this year. It keeps the tone positive and it also protects your energy. There’s nothing wrong with accepting help and there’s so many of us that struggle with it. Accepting help is so important.

Sharing tasks reduces the cortisol, which is a stress hormone. It lets others help, whether it’s bringing a dish, wrapping gifts. There are so many people that enjoy cooking and wrapping gifts and helping out. I personally don’t understand that brain, but there are people out there that love it. So even if you would hate to do that job and someone offers to help you, say yes. If you are stressed out, say yes.

So how would you set a boundary and why? For example, if you know that after five o’clock, if your children do not watch a movie, eat their normal dinner and go to bed early, that you know that each full day at Christmas, New Year’s time is going to be really difficult and that your kids need that break. I would not commit to dinners. I would not commit to sleepovers at family’s places, extended families, all staying in one place if you can avoid it.

If you can get separate accommodation. So it’s okay to skip the big family gathering and opt for something smaller that aligns with your values. If everybody else is doing three days straight, there is nothing wrong with setting a boundary and saying, I’d love to, but I’m sorry, we’re not going to be sharing accommodation this year.

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries. You may find that the other people you set the boundaries with are relieved. The other thing as well is you don’t have to expand. You don’t have to say, well, my son, John really struggles and he will eat too much sugar and he needs to get an early night and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Because for me, what I found is when I do that, I open up a conversation and they may list their smaller child that copes just fine. All the different ways it will be okay. If you’re sure that you don’t want to do that, I would not be giving lots of information.

You don’t need their opinion. You don’t need their permission slip. Do you? I don’t know your family dynamics, but if there’s an invitation, you can say no. That may make you unpopular, but I always think to myself, I don’t hear what they say about me anyway.

So if they’re all going to have a whinge about you later, let them. It doesn’t worry me. And when you arrive the next day with regulated children and you have a pretty good day, or you sit back with a glass of wine with your partner and your kids, or you have a bath, you read your book and you’re feeling really good about your choice. Think about that and how relieved you’ll feel.

So when you’re setting a boundary, make sure that you are sure. You don’t want to have a creepy boundary where you start saying this, but then you go halfway and then you compromise. And then it looks like when you say something, you don’t really mean it. Practice in the mirror if you need to. Practice setting boundaries is so important.

Also, it helps teach our children about prioritizing ourselves and managing our own stress and sensory overload.

Speaking of sensory overload, that is next. Christmas is a sensory minefield. Lights, music, crowded spaces. For ADHD, autistic families, this can be a recipe for meltdowns, shutdowns.

A frontiers in psychology studied neurodivergent individuals and Christmas and found that sensory overload is the significant contributor to holiday stress. Tips for managing it. Number one, I would set up a quiet space in the family gatherings where you or your children can decompress.

Dim lights, noise-canceling headphones, weighted blankets. Feel free to put some stuff in bags. Everyone’s carrying bags around all the time and set them up in a small space. It may be a spare bathroom. If it’s a busy home, there’s nothing wrong with that.

If you are worried about judgment from other people and you are saying that you need to set up a sensory area, you don’t have to tell anybody what you’re doing. You may take a book, some coloring stuff and show your child a quiet place that they can be alone if they need to. Even just knowing that it’s there may really help and benefit your child.

The other thing is a visual schedule. It’s really nice to have a big calendar up on the wall or the fridge. It doesn’t have to be pretty. It doesn’t have to be anything you bought. It could be a big piece of paper with all the different days and so everybody knows what’s going to be happening.

You may need to build in downtime into your day. You may need to have a day on, a day off. You might need to build in a 10-minute walk. You might need to bring in a calm kit to the holiday events with your children.

It might be fidget toys, headphones, snacks, an iPad. There has been many, many a time where I’ve gone and sat in my car and pretended to have a very important phone call with another family member, which was me listening to a podcast shutting my eyes. Nobody needs to know and it’s not about covering it up and masking and camouflaging.

It’s about avoiding conversations that don’t need to be there. If your family are like amazing and they understand your divergence and they’re there with you, then absolutely if you’re comfortable, then talk to them about it. But don’t feel like you need to justify why you need to have a break during the day.

Next point is handling criticism and conflict. Okay, so unsolicited advice, passive-aggressive comments are pretty much part of the Christmas recipe. One of the reasons that ADHD brains and neurodivergent brains generally are all more affected is because of rejection sensitivity dysphoria, RSD.

Even a mild criticism that doesn’t seem that bad to somebody else can feel really overwhelming. If you’re expecting it from that family member or that friend and they’re known for it and you’ve been dreading this moment and then they go and do their passive-aggressive jab at you, it can make you feel really upset really quick.

I like to go and have a bit of a pause for a couple of seconds. I like to go outside. Oh, I’m just getting some fresh air. Oh, I’ve just got to check the mailbox. Oh, lost one of my children. And in that time, I’ll go to the bathroom. Just take a couple of seconds to think about whether you’re going to engage or let it go.

A neutral response would be, thanks for that. That’s an interesting perspective. I appreciate you mentioning that. That’s an interesting insight. Thank you.

If you start to hand out your, let’s say some ADHD medication for one of your children and someone decides to tell you about a particular alternative therapy that you would never use and you don’t think is good and they tell you about it at length, I would say, that’s something I’ve got to look into and move on, move away.

You don’t have to stand and listen to it, but you also don’t have to debate it. You don’t have to agree, defend yourself. In this situation, I usually go with silence is the best response or a very small sentence so that you don’t seem rude.

My personal belief with the people that I know in my life that some people are not worth trying to persuade because they’re not going to get it, which is where the let them happens. If there’s somebody that I think really is engaged a lot with my child and is open to learning, of course, I’ll have those conversations with them. However, you’ve really got to pick your battles.

The Christmas lunch. Let’s talk about children and picky eaters at Christmas lunch. Now, here’s the thing. As a neurodivergent mother with neurodivergent children, they are very fussy eaters, the fussiest of fussy. There is no meal that we have five people in our family eating.

Most of what they eat is yellow and white, and it is incredibly difficult to feed my children. Incredibly difficult. So on Christmas day, when I’ve had the battle every single day with getting them to eat food, do I feel like doing that on Christmas day? No, I don’t.

If I need to, I will take a frozen box of chicken nuggets. I will take the national pies, the frozen pies. I will take some frozen chips with the brand that they like. I will make one of my children a pile of rice and a piece of ham from Coles.

It has to be Coles with Masterfoods barbecue sauce separated on a plate. If I have to do it and he’s going to eat, I will do it. I hope that you guys are laughing, not cringing, because that is actually what I will do.

If my kids don’t eat and I give them salads and Christmas feeds and stuff they don’t recognize and sit them up with everybody else’s kids who apparently eat everything, I know it’s going to be really hard. They’ll starve. They won’t eat anything. And then everyone will go, oh, put some gravy on it. Oh, I’m going to show you how good it is.

It’s like it doesn’t matter and it’s not the right day to do that. I haven’t seen any child try a new food happily that’s neurodivergent at a Christmas lunch ever. It’s generally more of a time where it’s an uncontrolled environment. It’s stressful. It’s not a place or a time that children then go, oh, I’m going to start trying new things.

It’s more around they are trying to get control. They want to get some routine. They’re way out of routine. So by throwing in new foods for them to eat is, I don’t believe, in my opinion, going to help them.

If this is your permission slip to take food for your kids to family lunch, you do it. I would let go of the need to meet other people’s expectations. Focus on what works for you and your family.

If there is other kids that are younger and they are going to sit up and they are going to eat all the food, let them. But put your chicken nuggets next to your own children and let them eat it.

And you know what else? If you don’t feel like you need to cover it up, I like to use humour and I like to say to the person that’s cooked, you might notice that my six-year-old son is going to eat his ham and rice that I’ve bought from home. Personally, you’d think he’d be sick of eating that. He isn’t.

He loves it and I know that he’ll eat it happily and it’s just too much of an overwhelming day to get him to try something new. I’m going to eat your food and love it and there’s going to be more leftovers for everybody else.

If there’s a bit of an elephant in the room about it and everyone’s looking, diverting eye contact, not knowing what to say and it feels heavy, I just say it. Oh, you’re just noticing that my son is eating ham and rice next to the beautiful meal that you’ve slaved over. And make a joke of it.

What I wouldn’t do is I wouldn’t bag out your son or there’s anything wrong with him, if you have to say it quietly away from him, but I would just put him in with everybody else and go for it.

One thing that sometimes we forget is to ask your children what they want from Christmas. The food thing is a good idea here. If we say, let me show you what’s probably going to be served at Christmas. What do you think you might eat? Let them problem solve what should we take with us? Do you want to try that? Feel free to ask them.

What we do know about kids and Christmas is that the Australia Institute of Family Studies found that children value time and connection over extravagant gifts and events. It’s really important to get your kids involved in the holiday planning. When they feel heard, they are more likely to enjoy the experience and often my kids come up with better problem solving than I do.

For example, one of my children just loves watching this Christmas movie on Christmas Eve. You know what? It makes it so easy for me because often I don’t want to go anywhere Christmas Eve anyway. We sit down and watch their favorite movie every year and I’m like, this is a great tradition. I’m sitting up with a wine with my feet up.

I thought we had to do all this special stuff on Christmas Eve and that’s all they want to do. If you think back to your childhood, if

it was one that you reflect positively on, I just enjoyed playing board games with my parents on Christmas morning. I don’t remember really a lot of the gifts.

I remember the time spent and the way that we sat down with them. Have a bit of a think about your values as a parent and your values as family and create a holiday that actually aligns with your values. For example, you may find that Christmas for you isn’t about elaborate meals. It’s not about attending every event. Maybe your kids and you don’t actually like the Christmas parade but you drive in because you think you should.

Maybe you swap the big gatherings for intimate times at home. Maybe you invite people over one at a time. You don’t do the whole big Christmas night party. Think about what do I want my child to remember these holidays? What feels meaningful to me? And when you focus on these answers, it’s easier to let the rest go.

Feel free to write it out and it’s okay if it’s not the same as everyone else’s. So as we step into the holiday season, here are my takeaways.

One, let them. Let people have their opinions. It doesn’t define you, your experience and your life.

Two, let boundaries protect your peace without guilt. Adapt traditions but focus on what truly matters to you and your family. You don’t have to do it all.

And ask your kids. Sometimes the simplest answers are the most meaningful.

Thanks for listening to ADHD Mums. If this episode resonated with you, share it with another mum who might need some encouragement.

If you’ve got a funny or heartwarming holiday story, DM me, email me, I’d love to hear it. Here’s to a Christmas that feels joyful but not just Instagram worthy. Until next time.

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