Episode 51 – How to Handle Family Criticism About ADHD: Boundaries and Keeping Your Sanity

Jane McFadden:

Hello ADHD mums and welcome back to the podcast. This is your place to feel seen, supported, and maybe even have a bit of a laugh along the way. Today’s episode is all about navigating one of the trickiest situations we face as parents of neurodivergent children, navigating family criticism about ADHD with confidence, advanced strategies, and maintaining your peace.

Family dynamics can feel like an emotional minefield. This episode is being recorded at Christmas, so there’s endless to-do lists, high expectation, and unsolicited advice, and lots of family and friend meetups. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed.

If you add in a comment or two about your parenting choices, it’s enough to send anyone over the edge. We are all overloaded all the time. We are going to talk today about practical and advanced strategies to handle these moments.

Now, whether you’re ready to set boundaries or you’re still building up your confidence, this episode has something for everybody. First off, let me clarify who the episode is for. The conversation is aimed at those who are navigating tricky but not toxic family dynamics.

If you’re dealing with deeply harmful relationships, unresolved trauma, this episode might not resonate just yet and it may not be appropriate, and that’s okay. Take care of yourself first and come back when you’re ready. However, even if you’re dealing with toxic family dynamics, you are probably still dealing with, on top of that, well-meaning but uninformed relatives with the occasional critical comment, then stick around because we are tackling this head-on with warm validation and advice.

So let me set the scene. Imagine you’re at a family gathering. You’re sipping some bad, lukewarm coffee out of politeness. You’re trying to enjoy the moment, kind of, when Uncle Bob comes and sits next to you and he’s got that familiar, concerned, yet superior tone.

Is it ADHD or ADD? I don’t know anymore. Hmm, there’s some very unnatural medication. I have heard that your son is taking one. Have you heard about herbal teas that cure ADHD? I really think that you should use one instead of unnatural medications.

Now, immediately your blood starts to boil. Let’s just remember how much crap we’ve been through to get medication if this is about medication or a diagnosis or the school. All ADHD mums have been through a lot and it’s hard not to just have blood boiling right from the beginning because you’ve actually already gone through a lot to get to this point and I’m sorry, Uncle Bob, but he’s not living this with you, is he?

I don’t know why these people have opinions but anyway, I totally get it if you’re silently fuming at this point and if you’re wondering why Uncle Bob thinks he’s an expert on ADHD, has he just figured out how to Google? Or are you just got your back up preparing for the argument that you didn’t even want to have? Because you know what? We advocate for our kid all day, every day. If it’s Christmas, I don’t want to.

I love the school holidays, not because I’m with my kids all the time. That can be hard but I love when I don’t have to advocate for them all the time. You don’t have to deal with the teacher, the principal, whatever it is that is going on. Often therapy shuts down and you can actually isolate and cocoon into a family of love so your child’s actually getting some positivity and some great messages to them and then you’ve got Uncle Bob that you now have to advocate for your child on Christmas Day.

So it really sucks when it’s constant. I’ve faced this situation so many times and it’s so exhausting. Let’s break down and find the best way through. One of the great things about having the same conversation over and over again is you can get good at handling them.

If you’re a people pleaser like the episode I released earlier in the week, if you want to check it out you can. People pleasing is like a muscle. You just automatically say yes, yes, do you want to do that? Yes. Can I come over? Yes. Can you cook for me tonight? Yes. So let’s build up the muscle on how to handle these conversations.

Now family criticism about ADHD or ADHD medication is deeply personal because one, you feel invalidated. You’ve spent hours researching and making thoughtful decisions only to have it dismissed by somebody who has no idea what they’re talking about in one second. Two, it’s exhausting. Constantly justifying yourself can leave you drained, frustrated, and questioning your choices.

Three, it impacts your child. Comments made in front of your child harms their self-esteem or leads them to believe that they are a problem that needs to be fixed. Now I’m trying to think of the top five things that annoy me. I reckon it has to be one or two.

If anyone makes a comment in front of my child about their behavior and it’s negative, oh I struggle not to lose my shit because it’s one thing to come separately to me and talk to me and irritate, invalidate me. It’s a different thing to say something in front of my child. Now I advocate for my child no matter what.

I don’t think I’ve ever sided against my child to an external family member. Obviously with my internal, my immediate family, which is my husband and my three children, yeah we let shit fly out there. That’s fine. I may talk to my husband about it later and I talk to my child about it later, but I never side with another relative against one of my children or my husband. There’s a way to do it to make sure that you are a team.

So let’s just say one of my kids would be poking and poking and poking another kid, let’s say, and the kid comes and says, you know, one of my kids’ names has been poking me and won’t leave me alone. Now I may talk to my child about that, yes, but I wouldn’t do it publicly in front of anybody. I would say, oh I’ll just be back in a second. Go grab your child, take them off quietly and privately if you can.

I never make it anyone else’s business what I say to my child and how I handle it. Now we know that there’s still stigma around neurodiversity. There is an ongoing need to advocate for your child and these comments hit hard when you are hearing, why aren’t they sitting up at the table? Why aren’t they sitting still? They shouldn’t be doing that. I can’t believe they’re not eating a proper lunch. Why aren’t they eating Christmas lunch? Whatever the comments are, it’s okay to feel hurt, angry, drained. The emotions are valid and natural.

Okay, so let’s say you are not ready to be assertive in these moments and this episode you’re like, I don’t think I could be doing or saying the things that Jane is going to be saying. So the first part of this episode is going to be when you’re not ready to be assertive and then we’re going to move to advanced strategies.

Listen to the whole episode. If you’re not ready yet to be assertive, start small and know that the goal is to get the advanced strategies. If you’re already at the advanced strategies, listen to the first part and make sure that you’re doing everything and know that I’m going to get to the advanced in just a second.

So firstly, what do you actually say? Number one, you start small. You practice with simple phrases like, thanks for your concern, but we’ve actually had a pediatrician and a psychologist assess my son and they’re all very positive he actually does have ADHD. Thanks for your concern, but I don’t think the iPad has caused his autism.

You may need to rehearse responses in front of a mirror with a friend, a family member. You might like to video it. Now remember, if you know that you’re not handling these situations with the criticism very well, but you don’t know what to do differently, that’s a skill gap.

We’re building skills. Building skills is repetition. If you’re practicing how to shoot a goal at netball, you don’t just learn how to do it once. You have to learn over and over and over. It’s practice.

Two, build confidence. This is going to be gradual. Speaking up can feel overwhelming. Okay. Start with internal validation. Imagine yourself responding assertively, even if you’re not ready to do it yet. Imagine what would have been different if you could have done it differently.

Also, I would go back to the episode released called Stop People Pleasing, the ADHD Mum’s Guide to Boundaries and Balance and Breaking Free. That is going to go through this all really intensely. Three, celebrate progress.

Every small step is a win. Even if you say no, no thank you, I don’t think this time, one time, and you’ve never done it before. Oh my God, celebrate that. I’ve been working on this for years. It takes so long. And you have to have a reason to change. Again, go back to the People Pleasing episode if you want to have a reason to start getting assertive.

The next part is to pause and reframe. Before reacting, take a deep breath and ask, what’s my goal here? Channel your energy into a response like, thank you for your input, but we are confident in our choice.

Now, you’re not saying, I don’t think we’re going to change our mind. I’m not sure. Oh, I don’t know. Like we’re not leaving room for someone to come in.

You know what I noticed recently? I noticed that police officers speak with authority. I spoke to a police officer the other day in uniform, and I was so subservient to his authority, and when he told me to do something, I just went and did it.

And yes, it was a uniform, blah, blah, blah, but it was also the way he spoke. And I heard him speak to somebody else, and tell you what, they didn’t question him either. I noticed now, some people speak in a way that’s assertive, and they say, no, I’m not going to do that. Everyone goes, okay, no worries.

To be honest, one of the things that I admire about my husband, but I’m also a little envious of, is the way that he can talk with confidence. So I noticed that if someone asks him a question and he says no, they can come back to me and ask me the same question, but they’ve just heard no, but they won’t take no for an answer.

For example, we had a neighbor the other day, and she came up to me and was pretty insistent about her way that she wanted it done. And I answered, but not in a way that was assertive enough. And then in the end, she continued on and crept over my boundary.

I ended up pulling my husband in because he was home, and he spoke to her. And in under three minutes, she backed off completely and agreed with him. And it was the way that he spoke.

He didn’t say, I’m not sure. He just, thank you for your input. This is what we’re doing. And I thought, wow, I can see the difference in that exact situation in just a matter of minutes.

I don’t think it was the gender card or he was the man of the house. I think it was the way that he spoke.

Also practice grounding techniques. Again, if you would like to know more about grounding techniques, I would go back to the Stop People Pleasing episode, which is the episode before this, or you can Google practice grounding techniques, but I’m not going to go over it because I’ve just released that episode two days ago. But it is important to be grounded before you react because otherwise you risk making an emotional statement or saying something out of emotion.

Now, I think we need to make it clear that not all family members deserve the same level of effort. Understanding who you’re dealing with can really save you emotional energy. For example, your well-meaning cousin who genuinely wants to understand ADHD, genuinely is concerned if their child has it or how you’re handling it, how you’re going.

All these people have got ADHD now. What does it mean? What do you do differently? How’s it been going at school? Like some people genuinely want to know and they don’t know anyone with ADHD.

Maybe your brother just thinks he’s the parenting guru and he just wants to hand out advice. And then maybe grandma just wants everyone to eat their pudding in peace and no one to talk about anything that might be inflammatory at all. There’s different people in here and we need to figure out which one is which.

Strategies for the genuinely curious. I would invest time in educating them if they’re open to it. The reason being is because we want to change the world to have it be more open. If you have someone genuinely interested and curious in your family or friend circle, oh my god, go for it.

I would say ADHD is a developmental condition. The brain is wired a bit differently. Medication helps balance things out and it’s made a huge difference for us. This is what’s changed. Offer resources, podcasts, articles, books to deepen their understanding.

But only if you actually want to engage because once you’ve done this, they might want to have a follow-up discussion.

The next kind of like category of people would be that habitual critic. That’s like Uncle Bob. You know those family members that just have something to say about everything? Usually they’re not very educated, they’re not experienced in anything, but they just say they are.

I would keep responses short, neutral and firm. Example, we’ve made our decision with our doctor, it’s working well for us, let’s move on. Sometimes some of these people are looking to poke a bear.

Now just remember, if you have a neurodivergent family, you may get someone that likes to stir the pot. They may poke you to see what happens to stir some shit. Don’t give them the reaction they’re looking for. Stay calm and they’ll lose interest and move on.

Three for the uninvolved relative. There’s people that turn up to Christmas Day that you don’t want to see more than once a year. You wish you didn’t have to see and they aren’t involved in your life. These people, no explanation. Polite deflection.

I mean, I’m probably talking about an uninvolved 80-year-old grandpa. That, you know, polite deflection is probably the best thing. You know, you could use humor, conversation to steer away from anything serious.

You know, have you tried dessert? If it’s an uninvolved relative that you think could possibly learn and grow, then you could put them into the genuinely curious category. So adjust your expectation based on the person. Don’t expect everyone to be on board. They won’t be.

Not everyone’s going to get it and that’s okay. Focus your energy on people that matter and people who are in your life the most that your children have contact with. That’s where I would be starting. Unless you want to work as a disability advocate and just educate everyone.

Okay, so here’s an example and we’re going to step through how we would handle it. Imagine Auntie Susan saying, have you tried essential oils? My neighbor’s friend’s son’s cousin uses lavender and they haven’t needed any of those nasty medications.

You know how some people have just discovered, for example, magnesium and I love magnesium, but sometimes people then start selling it and then it’s like this whole big magnesium thing. It can be too much and often those people have got a lot of research that they’d like to share with you too.

So sometimes people still see ADHD as a behavioral issue, parenting problem. They don’t see it as a neurodevelopmental condition. They genuinely think that their suggestion is helpful or for their own hang-ups, they are uncomfortable with medication.

Your brain might be screaming, not this again. You force a smile but you might be actually wondering if Auntie Susan can use her own lavender oil to fix her unsolicited advice problem that she has because no one asked you Auntie Susan for your advice.

Strategies. Number one, I always go with humor and I break ice with it. So for example, I usually respond with something like, oh I didn’t know that lavender oil could rewire the brain’s prefrontal cortex. I’ll have to keep that in mind.

Then I’d make probably a ridiculous statement like, the coffee machine really needs fixing. Could you put some lavender oil on that? Sometimes I smile and then excuse myself afterward like, see you Auntie Susan.

Now if that’s disrespectful to the family member, this is obviously depending on who it is. But I do like to use humor with most things. So practice a bit of a throwaway comment that makes light of it so you’ve heard it but you’re not battling with her and then make sure you walk away after.

Two, redirect with facts. I would only use this in certain situations. I would stay calm, briefly state your reasoning and I would not start a debate.

For example, thanks for the suggestion Auntie Susan. We’ve done a lot of research and we’re sticking with what works for us. It’s been life-changing for my son.

Or we’ve done a lot of research which was suggested by the paediatrician and we’re actually great with how it’s working. Thank you. Or let’s say it’s not working well. You might say, thanks for your suggestion Auntie Susan. We’re going to stick with the paediatrician and the pathway that he’s chosen. But thank you, walk away.

Now if Auntie Susan loves evidence, there are two ways to deal with it. You can offer to share a podcast or an article but only if you feel like engaging. Be aware that she may have her own research to send back so I would only do that if you think she’s not going to have research or you think that will be the end of it or you can delete her badly researched article without it triggering you and making you feel really pissed off.

Sometimes the badly researched article is like an opinion piece from someone that’s not even qualified. So just be prepared that that can happen if you start to fight fact with fact.

Three, you could also set a boundary firmly. If the comment persists you can actually shut that conversation down. You can say I appreciate the concern but look we’ve just made this decision with our doctor. It’s not something that I’m looking to discuss.

I think that’s an advanced strategy because you’re saying I appreciate your concern but we’ve made this decision with our doctor and it’s not something I want to discuss.

Like if you’re having dinner and someone thinks it might be a good time to ask how the Ritalin’s going with your child in front of the whole family and your own child, I would shut that down. Reason being you go if you go back to the people pleasing episode that was out on Tuesday is that you’ve got to have a look at your boundary.

One of my boundaries is I do not discuss my children in front of them especially negatively. So if someone has an issue with one of my children, if they bring it up to me in front of my child, I immediately say thanks so much we can talk about that later. I don’t talk about this in front of my child or this is not your business.

Like think about what your boundary is and make sure that you know whether you’re okay with that or not. And again depends on the person right. If it’s your mum and she helps you out a few days a week and it is appropriate then fine. But we’re talking about Aunty Susan and this particular situation and I would shut that down and say I’m not looking to discuss it.

And if you actually have a family member that’s a paediatrician, how lucky are you that might be someone qualified to discuss something with but usually these type of comments are usually not from people who are qualified in anything.

Okay the next rule is to diffuse and redirect judgment. So why does judgment happen? Judgmental comments often stem from a lack of understanding or generational differences. People also honestly I don’t think know how dismissive their words feel.

As neurodivergent people we’re also dealing with rejection sensitive dysphoria as well. If you don’t know what that means, basically it means you’re incredibly emotionally sensitive to feedback, to criticism, to feeling that people don’t like you and you often look for ways of which people might be doing that.

So you can be quite easily offended. That’s just kind of one part of rejection sensitivity. But you’ve also got impulsive family members, hyperactive family members. You could have people that are also autistic. They lack an understanding of maybe how their words are impacting.

And also as well as we said you’ve been advocating all day every day all the other days. So they may not realize that they’re touching a really inflammatory subject for you.

So for example Uncle Bob, good old Uncle Bob, he’s the self-proclaimed expert in life and he says back in my day ADHD didn’t exist. Kids just needed some discipline and look how I turned out.

Now you might be biting your tongue so hard it might fall off. You might be thinking yeah Bob look how your three kids turned out. Maybe you have your own judgment to say and God it would be easy and isn’t it tempting to say that in the moment.

However this podcast is about what you should do not what you shouldn’t. So I understand the need and those comments are probably something to text your best friend or talk to a family member partner about later and have a laugh. But in the moment I would deflect with curiosity.

Change the subject to something neutral that interests the other person. Now people love to talk about their own interests. Now I heard you started a new garden. How’s that going? That’s an interesting perspective Uncle Bob. How was that cricket on the weekend? Talk about sport something they know and flip it back around.

People love to talk about themselves whether they’re neurodivergent or not. Gracefully move on. Usually people take the bait. There’s not many situations I’ve ever had somebody when I throw them back something that interests them and themselves have come back at me on the topic that I want to get away from.

Number two stay calm and assertive. Acknowledge their opinion but stand firm in your decision. For example I know everyone has different views on this but we’re confident in the choice that we’ve made and I appreciate you understanding.

And then an advanced tip is to use tone to convey the calm and confidence. Steady measured and flustered the tone can really make a difference to the sentence that you’re saying.

I also sometimes throw back something that they’re not doing. If I say I know everyone has different views on this but we’re confident in the choices we’ve made. I really appreciate your support. Thank you so much for asking and supporting us.

Now he’s not really asking and supporting you. He’s actually kind of making a passive-aggressive comment but now you’ve kind of conveyed to him that he’s understanding and supporting and so now it’s very difficult for him to go back to what he was doing.

The other thing that’s really helpful is using silence. Sometimes silence speaks volumes. You can offer a polite smile. You can say nothing and just let their comment hang.

Wait as long as you can and then change the subject. I learned that actually in sales when I was working in recruitment in my first job out of uni and we used to say the price or whatever it was and just let it hang. And the other person gets so awkward that they sometimes will agree to go forward with something just to get rid of the silence.

Rule four. Let go of what you can’t control. Why this matters. You’re just not going to be able to change everyone’s mind and trying to do so is going to exhaust you.

For example, if your mother-in-law gives you the look every time you mention ADHD or the look when you bring out some medication, she may not say anything but the passive-aggressive vibes are there. You may be torn whether to defend yourself, whether to just lose your shit or whether to walk away.

Let’s talk about something like that that you know happen. Strategies. I would be doing pre-event prep. Visualize potential scenarios and rehearse your responses.

If these are people that are always going to be in your life, you probably need to get really good at handling them. This can help reduce your anxiety, prepare for anything that comes up and also reduce the whole you’ve just poked a bear and you just arc up.

Two. You want to have a mantra for the triggering moments. You might want to be doing the grounding phrases when the emotions arise. A mantra might be, I’m doing what’s best for my child and that’s enough.

This is important because it shifts your focus back to your priorities and reminds you of your inner strength. You could shift your focus back to the time frame and say, it’s just a few more hours. I can get through it. Think about something that works for you.

Three. Focus on your inner circle. Save your energy for people that support you. What’s important here is to make sure that you’re putting in boundaries that your partner and other really tight family members with you aligns with you.

If you are putting in a boundary that you’re not sleeping over, you’re leaving at five because that’s what you think your child needs, your family needs, whatever the boundary is, then your partner, someone else says, oh no, she can stay till seven. I know she’s got nothing on. It completely invalidates what you’ve said.

Make sure everyone is on the same page with the important boundaries. Number four is emotional support network. There’s nothing wrong with sending a quick text to a supportive friend before, during, after the gathering.

It’s amazing how much a bit of event, a bit of a whinge and someone saying, oh my God, that sounds awful, whatever it is that you guys have got as your relationship can boost your confidence. You might also want to try a safe word system where you’ve got a code word with your partner to signal that you need a break or a backup. You could say, I think it’s time to check on the kids or, oh, my brother just called, whatever the example is, to know that you’re actually going to lose your shit.

Number six, model resilience for your child. When family comments happen in front of your child, it’s an opportunity to model calm confidence. For example, if Uncle Bob likes to comment about why your son is struggling to sit at the family table for such a long time during Christmas lunch, you may say, hey, look, Uncle Bob, we don’t talk about how long we sit at the table here. Let’s just focus on having a great day.

This matters because your child learns that their needs are valid and criticism does not define them. You’ve also got their back. And the last one is to celebrate the small wins. Acknowledge the boundary you set, the emotional reaction that you managed, and small wins are really important.

This episode is inspired by the discussions in the ADHD Mum Facebook. Jump into the group. I really recommend it. I’m in there all the time.

If this episode resonated with you, share it with a fellow mum who might need support in the holiday season. Don’t forget our guide, A Mum’s Guide to Support and Helping Others Get It, available on the website. I wrote it myself. It’s packed with practical tips for advocating for your child whilst protecting your needs and your peace.

Navigating family criticism isn’t easy, but remember you’re doing an incredible job. Your decisions are thoughtful and loving and made with your child’s best interest at heart. This Christmas, write yourself the permission slip to protect your peace.

You are not alone. We’re in it together. Until next time, take care of yourself and your neurodivergent family.