Episode 53 – Explaining ADHD to Your Child: Why It Matters (Part 1)

Jane McFadden:

Welcome back to ADHD Mums, where we tackle the unspoken realities of motherhood, neurodiversity and mental health. Today’s episode is about a major milestone moment that many of us face, explaining ADHD or any diagnosis to our child. This episode is for mums who want to understand whether you should and how to make that choice.

Maybe you have a partner that isn’t on board just yet, but if you’re not ready for this step yet, that’s okay. This episode will give you tools to reflect and revisit when the time feels right. Now, you would be surprised how many people miss the part where they actually disclose to their child.

There are so many parents that I know that go through the whole diagnosis journey, particularly if their child is younger and isn’t aware that they’re going through an assessment, but then skip the part, never realise that they should disclose to their child about what was going on and what that assessment meant. To be honest, I was one of those people. I went through the assessment process with three children who were all younger than seven.

We did it on an equine farm and they were actually unaware that they were being assessed, which was great. However, last year, I did an episode with Millie Carr. You can find that on Spotify. The link will be in the show notes.

But when I did that episode with Millie Carr, she pointed out that she wished she had have spoken to her daughter when she was in the younger end of primary school rather than delaying until high school. We talked about that and when she explained how if she had have been having the conversation from the beginning, she thinks it would have been a lot better than waiting for her child to be in that tween, teen age group.

When she started talking about it, I realised, oh, why have I been delaying? Have I been avoiding? Am I not sure? What is it? I’ve spoken to a few psychologists recently and they say that it’s incredible the amount of parents that don’t tell their child about their diagnosis but then bring their child in for therapy without really ever disclosing why. And then in the end, as the child gets older, they actually come out and say to the psychologist, I’m pretty sure I have ADHD. I’ve looked it up and all of this is pointing for this and they actually know.

And then the psychologist has to go back to the parents and say they already know and then it ends up coming out. But it’s a longer way of doing it and I wonder as well what message it sends to the child if it is a secret. So there’s so many reasons why to disclose but I suppose I wanted to let you know that I felt that too and I didn’t immediately jump out to talk about ADHD with my child.

I was worried I was going to stuff up the conversation, make a mistake and also I was having trouble getting my husband on board that it was a good thing to do. But at the end of grade two, she was going into grade three and they were going to be having teacher changes throughout the year. And basically there would be more teachers involved and because there was accommodations for her, I was concerned that someone would inadvertently mention her ADHD and I wanted her to hear that from me.

But I was incredibly nervous at the time. It wasn’t something that I looked forward to doing. However, I was really glad that I was the first person that she spoke to about it.

If your child does have ADHD, it’s great to be able to talk to them about the why. Everyone’s brain is different. If you have children that are receiving extra help because they know they have ADHD versus you have kids that have ADHD and don’t realise, they may just start labelling themselves dumb, stupid, not good at reading, I hate this, I’m awful at it, I would argue it’s better to let them know the why than to let them make up their own truth.

I remember talking to a mum who delayed telling her daughter about ADHD but her daughter overheard conversations, filled in the gaps herself and then assumed the worst. She was not going to be able to do very well regardless of how hard she tried. When her mum finally told her, she said, oh, I didn’t realise that’s what ADHD was, I wish I’d known that before.

And it was a powerful reminder because kids know something is different, giving them the truth only empowers them. Let’s step back for a moment and just acknowledge how bloody hard this is. As parents, as mothers, we want the best for our kids and the women that are on this podcast are listening to content about how to help our children at a higher level.

I know that time is limited and I appreciate you reinvesting in yourself and your child by listening to this podcast. So if you’re on this podcast, I know that you are probably going to be wanting the best for your child. And sometimes the view that women, mothers, people have is that we don’t want to label our child.

We worry that a diagnosis might limit your child’s self-view or how others view them. For example, I remember driving a mum home from soccer who had had a broken down car. We hadn’t spoken a lot before and her child clearly had a lot of neurodiversities, not just to me. It was a very obvious presentation.

However, she went out of her way and I didn’t bring it up. She went out of her way to talk to me in the car for 30 minutes about how she knows she should take him to the pediatrician. She was clearly trying to get ahead of the conversation because it was so obvious I think people would talk to her about that a lot. And the reason that she was doing it that she kept coming back to was I don’t want to limit him.

He might get an academic scholarship. He might want to join the police force. And by telling him and getting him diagnosed, I’m limiting who he is. Now, this might not be popular belief, but I believe she was limiting him by not giving him the help that he needs.

And yes, she’s right. If you are diagnosed with ADHD or autism, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to get into the police, the ADF. And I absolutely understand what she was saying. From getting to know her son over the soccer season, what I can say is that I don’t think either of those career paths were an option for him.

He was a much more academic research driven. I could imagine him going to university and ending up being a lecturer of some specific topic. So the stress about limiting him and an academic scholarship moving forward, I get that, but he’s six and he needs a lot of help now. Are you limiting his development by not giving him the supports?

He didn’t have much confidence. He didn’t have many friends. And there was a lot of scaffolding that took place by her, which to be honest, and I always call a spade a spade, the overzealous scaffolding whilst anxiously declaring that there was no issue and that he didn’t need help and that he was completely fine and making excuses for him made her unpopular. His lack of emotional regulation and a lot of other things that were going on also made him unpopular.

And I looked at the two of them and I thought, this worry that he will be limited, I get that. Yes, it is true. He would be limited in the police and the ADF and a few other career paths. However, what about the limits today? Because if you’re worried about the limits he’ll have when he’s 18 and he’s six, you’ve got a long way to go.

I would be worried about the teenage years. I’d be worried about his confidence. I’d be worried about his social skills. I would be worried about his emotional regulation and him not receiving the help because this beautiful mother was so terrified about what that would mean for him and doing the best for him.

But the fear of limiting our child later, I just think we’ve got such a long way to go in the 12 years. And if your child is struggling now, I think you’ve got to get the supports in. And without having a diagnosis, it’s very difficult to get the right supports in because an assessment’s an important part of understanding what needs to happen, understanding the why.

For example, one of my children has a very irritating behaviour and it’s to hit people. Now, he doesn’t hit people maliciously. He doesn’t hit at school or at kindy. He doesn’t hit in any way except to get attention, to have fun and to get something to happen.

He also, we’ve discovered, has got some pretty major sensory processing things going on. He needs a lot of sensory input. So when he walks around and hits and plays and every time you walk around, he’s there, bang, bang, bang, bang on your leg. And they’re not hard hits, but they’re constant.

And for me, I have enough sensory input. I’ve got noise, kids, lots on my mind, lots on my plate all the time. And when you have someone who’s relentlessly play smacking you or touching you all the time, every time I sit down, he’s on me. It’s exhausting.

But knowing how his brain works makes it easier. We have a sensory pod on his bed. We have weighted toys. We constantly make sure he has enough sensory input because that’s the only way to reduce the play hitting that he does to get more sensory input.

But if we don’t get him assessed properly, diagnose him and help him, I would be following him around, disciplining him relentlessly, telling him not to hit. And he has a neurodevelopment need to get more sensory input. So I hope that makes sense in the why we diagnose in that specific example, because what I can do with that child is I can build up his confidence.

I can give him the tools and he feels good about himself rather than relentlessly tell him off and punish him. I actually understand what’s going on with him. And we have a deep connection because of that.

So the next point, the next challenge is overwhelm. ADHD, autism, whatever it is that you are trying to talk to your child about is complicated. You may not have the time, the energy to simplify it and to really get down there in the basics. I pride myself on this podcast in taking all of that information and bringing it down to some basic stuff for mums to implement quickly and easily.

How do we simplify it? And that is really tricky. In the next episode that I’m going to get to and record next, that is called how to talk to your child about ADHD, empowering conversations that change everything. And you will be able to see exactly how you break it down in the next episode.

The next challenge is timing. Now with ADHD, some of us like to put things off, some of us like to avoid. What I always say to my husband is I always say to him that I’ve never known anyone to go find something else to do before he has to do the job.

So let’s say, for example, I’m asking him to put together a cupboard. He will say to me, oh no, I don’t have the right tools. And then that then becomes the focus and then he hasn’t got the right screw and he goes and finds other things instead of just doing the job.

So timing, avoidance, task initiation, how to do it, it may be something that you avoid. And I just want to acknowledge I avoided it too and that’s okay. That is a totally normal feeling.

And the next challenge is processing your own feelings. If you’re still coming to terms with a diagnosis, it can be really tough to explain it to your child because it’s neurodevelopmental, it’s permanent. Now there could be both of you that has ADHD. It could be one of you. It’s very rare that you would have two neurotypical parents and a child with ADHD.

Though it’s usually one parent, if not both. That can be really tricky because if you feel like your child is going to have a more difficult run, they’re struggling and it’s come from your partner. If you’re the neurotypical mum, you could feel angry. Or if you’re the mum who has ADHD, you could feel guilty, shame.

There’s such a big range of emotions that you can feel and go through at this point. And I love to acknowledge at this point is that when that conversation happens and the bomb is dropped, they say take time to process and then you go put your ADHD child in the car or multiple and you have to continue on your life and try to process in the three minute shower that you can have. It’s hard to process a major life event like that when you’re parenting ADHD kid at the same time.

Especially if you start to go down the rabbit warren of, is this me? Do I have it? So processing your own feelings can take time. This is not a rush. What I am saying in this episode is it’s good to have a plan that you will tell your child at some point.

I believe there is a lot of positives to disclose into a child. However, you don’t need to rush this and you and if you have a partner both need to be on board. So often it’s the mum that moves through the processing stage a lot quicker and it’s the partner that doesn’t.

I remember vividly when I walked away from the appointment with my daughter and the psychologist told us that she definitely had ADHD amongst a few other neurodiversities. I was like completely blown away and it’s been such a long journey since then. But getting my partner on board to actually have that conversation was difficult because he was so concerned about how she would react because he loves her and so do I.

So let’s acknowledge that fear comes out of love. If you have a partner or you’re scared yourself it’s because you deeply love your child. If you didn’t love your child so much and you didn’t care you’d probably just send them a text if they’re older or just let them know, oh yeah you’ve got ADHD let’s move on or you just let her go not bother let a teacher tell them.

The fears are real but staying silent can lead kids to create their own story and often creating these own stories are harsher than the reality. I’ve always felt like there was something not right with me. I was always rollercoastering around. I remember when I was 15 I read the DSM and diagnosed myself with bipolar because I was like I am so up and down.

However that turned out not to be the case but I started to think I think I might be manic because sometimes I would be really into things and other times I couldn’t get out of bed. So please don’t think that your child doesn’t know. It’s completely normal to feel scared about telling your child about the ADHD diagnosis and as mums we want to protect our kids from anything that might make them feel different or less than and the idea of putting a label on something so personal it can feel really overwhelming.

You might worry about how your child will perceive themselves, whether they’ll feel broken, how others might treat them but here’s the truth kids are incredibly intuitive. They often already sense that they process the world differently and without understanding why they can create their own explanations. Sharing their diagnosis is in a supportive empowering way can give them the tools to understand themselves and embrace who they are.

This isn’t just one moment of an explanation it’s connection and it’s showing them that they are not alone and their brain is wired uniquely just like everyone else’s is. You’re not giving them a life sentence, a diagnosis, a reason to not try. You’re teaching them about understanding self-compassion and giving them confidence to navigate their world.

We know that this world isn’t made for the ADHD brain. I would hate for my kids to be comparing themselves to neurotypical children and wonder why they can’t do it. I was so lucky when my daughter hit grade three in a private school which I really like.

There’s nothing wrong with that private school. She hit grade three and in that school they do a fast track integration to high school. So what that means is instead of going to grade seven to do subject teaching, laptops, violin and all of the extras they do it in grade three.

However, what I can say is that I felt like it was absolutely too much for my daughter. We were only two, three weeks into first term of grade three and she really hit rock bottom. Like it was horrible where her mental health and her mood went.

She was eight and with the pediatrician and a psychologist advice we exited that school and went to have a break into homeschooling for six months. However, I was lucky that I had told my child about the ADHD diagnosis in December and that happened in January, February. So when she started saying to me, why can’t I do this? I want to be with my friends and she was devastated to leave the school.

She loved it there but it wasn’t my decision. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said I can’t go there anymore. It was heartbreaking but yet her friends, yes it was hard for them. Yes, they struggled. Yes, it was an additional pressure but they got used to it. They didn’t break down like she did.

She was so overloaded she would sit in the bag racks and cry, recess and lunch. She couldn’t talk to people. She couldn’t eat. It was horrific what happened to her and that was environmental. But imagine if I hadn’t have told her about that diagnosis and that had have happened to her.

So in that crisis breakdown I then would have said to her, by the way it’s because you have ADHD. When I look back I really have to thank Millie Carr for that episode and the way that she framed that because that made it okay for me and it gave me the confidence to talk to her about that and I needed to have that conversation because two months later it would not have worked.

She knows the reasons that she couldn’t do it and she was okay to exit that school. She’s reintegrated now into a regional public school that’s incredibly small which we’re really happy. So I wouldn’t wait for a crisis to tell your child. Don’t wait for a reason, I don’t think. Get ahead of it.

If you’re wondering what age is a good age, it so depends on your kids and how self-aware they are. It depends on whether other kids are talking about ADHD. So it’s just a decision that you would have to make. My personal opinion is I probably would get to around about grade two level to really kind of have a chat with them but that’s not to say you can’t tell your child when they’re five, four, younger or maybe it’s not appropriate.

They’re going through a lot and you would like to delay it. That’s okay. You know your child best. The reason I’m bringing this episode out now is because at the start of the school year it can be a great time to explain ADHD to your child because it can help them to feel empowered, prepared for challenges and opportunities ahead and that’s why I told my daughter transitioning her into grade three.

There was new routines, new teachers, new expectations and understanding themselves gave them a good sense of control. It also can help them advocate for themselves. They can talk to their teacher while sitting up at the front helps them focus. They may understand why they get that extra break. They may need more time.

The older your child gets the more likely they are to hear about ADHD from someone else. Classmate, teacher, the internet and that can become part of their story is that my parents didn’t tell me. I found out from a parent talking about me. I heard them. You have the chance to shape the story first.

You can give them the narrative which is grounded in positivity, self-acceptance, understanding rather than confusion or

shame. Signs that they could be ready is if they’re academically struggling or struggling in areas and they don’t know why. They might be asking why they can’t do it, overwhelmed, feeling like they’re not good enough.

They might be starting to get stressed. I reckon that prep grade one level I didn’t notice it as much. I definitely noticed more in grade two where academically I felt like there was a shift. They may be expressing frustration about challenges related to ADHD.

Also think about external factors in your family. There may be stuff happening with family you may need to disclose in other areas. Think about when would work best for you. The risks for not telling them.

If a child doesn’t know that their brain is wired differently they may not realise that risky behaviours are going to seem really exciting. Binge drinking, drink driving, drug use, addiction, there are so many stats on neurodivergent kids and teenagers. It doesn’t mean that they’re going to do any of those things. Absolutely it does not mean that they will but it does mean that those dopamine seeking behaviours can make them a bit more susceptible.

As we age we become more self-aware. We know what we can and can’t do that makes us feel good and helps us make the right decisions. I definitely want my children to know going into those teen years that they are probably going to be hardwired to make risky decisions. That may be a conversation that I know that I need to have.

For example, my daughter knows that she can’t deal with a lot of extra pressure. The pressure for her just to do homework etc. is so much. She knows that she can play around about one sport but as soon as the extracurriculars mount up she gets stressed out which makes her more rigid and she tries to gain control back. Suddenly the food she will eat reduces right down to only a few things.

She becomes quite rigid to deal with and when I say rigid most people would translate this to be difficult. So you ask her to do something that doesn’t quite match. She can’t comprehend and overall she isn’t relaxed. She’s quite stressed out.

If for example the shorts that she likes aren’t in the right spot she loses capacity to go look for them and stacking and stacking on top of her normal day-to-day doesn’t work. If I try to give her a big chore chart she can’t do it. So instead of wondering why she can’t do lots of sports, drama, music, art, all of the things on top why she isn’t this person that maybe other people are or her friends are.

She knows that for her to feel relaxed and happy she has to stick to the basics and add in just a couple of special things and monitor herself. When she starts to get burnt out we take them back out and go back to basics. As she grows and develops she will probably be able to add more stuff in but at the moment with her age and capacity and where she is we make those decisions together because she understands how her brain works.

And this is so empowering because for her moving into her teenage years and adulthood she is going to be across her own capacity, what she can do, what makes her feel good and how she can bring herself back out of burnout and make sure that she stays happy, healthy and relaxed. And this is a huge part of why I do this podcast because I have a very strong belief that diagnosis and assessment is incredibly important for children to understand themselves.

And it sucks to be a 38 year old woman only just starting to discover that now where I hate to say it but my best years may have passed me by. That 20 to 30 year old period where I reckon I could have really killed it. I just was on this path of self-discovery between burnout, stress, anxiety and I couldn’t figure out what it was.

Now I can pinpoint what it was that I was doing and I want my daughter to know that earlier. As we wrap up this conversation I want to remind you of something really important. Explaining ADHD to your child or any other neurodiversity is not a one-time event.

It isn’t about getting it perfect or saying all the right things in one sitting. It’s about opening the door to understand and show your child that they are more than their challenges. This isn’t about what they can’t do.

They are also creative, capable, unique. So you don’t have to have all the answers now. Your love and effort and willingness to even think about starting to have this conversation is what matters.

By giving your child the language and the tools to understand themselves, you’re empowering them to embrace who they are with confidence and self-compassion. Trust yourself and know that you are doing an incredible job. You may not be in the place that you’re ready to have that conversation yet you might be thinking about it.

Regardless, you’re on this podcast, you love your child and they are lucky to have you. You are cheering them on every step of their way and everyone’s path is different. If this episode resonated with you, I’d love you to share it with another mum who might need to hear it and don’t forget to check out our resource, A Mum’s Guide to Support and Helping Others Get It in the ADHDmums shop.

It’s packed with practical tips, tools to make the conversation easier. I also have some amazing resources in my Amazon shop on books to use to talk about the diagnosis. The links are also in the show notes.

Until next time, be kind to yourself, trust yourself, you know your child best and know that you’re never alone. We’re in it together. You’ve got it. Thanks for listening.

The key message here is you are not alone. Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, follow us on Instagram or head over and join our amazing ADHDmums podcast Facebook community. Everything you do matters and helps to spread the word about what neurodiversity in females looks like.