Episode 54 – How to Talk to Your Child About ADHD: Empowering Conversations That Change Everything (Part 2)

Jane McFadden:

Hello and welcome back to ADHD Mums. This is your safe space to tackle the unspoken realities of motherhood, neurodiversity and mental health with honesty, compassion and just a touch of humour, because let’s face it, if we can’t laugh about it, we may cry about it.

Today we’re going into a topic that feels really big for a lot of us. How to talk to your child about ADHD in a way that builds confidence, brings self-awareness and sets the stage for lifelong self-advocacy, which is the ultimate goal for most neurodivergent parents.

Here’s the thing. The conversation, it’s not just about ADHD. It’s not about neurodiversity. It’s not about the label. It’s about connection. It’s about showing your child that their brain isn’t something that needs to be fixed or hidden. It’s something that needs to be understood and celebrated.

So if you’re feeling unsure or you’re terrified about this conversation, you are in the right place and I was in that place too. By the end of the episode, you will have practical strategies, confidence and insights. And most importantly, the reassurance that you are not alone in this and you can do it.

This episode is perfect for mums who have started explaining ADHD to their kids or they’re thinking about starting to explain ADHD or another neurodiversity to their kids, but they want to be sure of what they’re saying and they want tools to refine the conversation. Stick around because then at least you know what it is that you’re saying when you make the decision as to whether you will disclose yet.

If you are brand new and you are unsure whether you will disclose, I do have an episode on the reasons that people do disclose the diagnosis to their child and that will be in the show notes. So go back and check that out if you haven’t seen it yet.

Now my kids love knowing the why behind ADHD and other neurodiversity. They really don’t do much without me explaining why. I remember my youngest child, we had so much issues with him, toilet training. We had OT, psychs, PED, everything and at the end of the whole thing, what worked?

I showed him a YouTube video about the digestive system and what happens if you don’t poo it out in a toilet? If you keep holding it in, what happens? And actually, to be honest, he suddenly seemed to be a lot more invested in spending the time to go to the toilet. He thought it was a waste of time.

When I explained the why and he saw it for himself, he suddenly was like, okay, well, I need to spend a few minutes sitting on the toilet. So instead of getting frustrated with the whys, use the opportunity to explain executive function for a moment, explain digestive system, explain why.

If your child finds going to the toilet takes too much time or they don’t wash their hands, they don’t brush their teeth because it’s too boring, explain to them executive function and ADHD and why. See the light bulb go up in their eyes and it reminds you of how empowering it is for the kids to understand their brain.

Now I wasn’t always invested in having this conversation either. I delayed, procrastinated until I did an episode with Millie Carr, which will be in the show notes about highly camouflaged autism and ADHD and how as a teacher, she sees the impact of kids who understand their diagnosis and how she wished how she had of talked to her daughter earlier.

That for me pushed me to have that conversation, which absolutely opened my daughter’s eyes and mine and connected us at a deeper level. But if you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed and a bit worried about this, that’s totally normal and these conversations can feel really tricky.

You might be worrying about overloading a child with information or maybe they’re already struggling. How do I make it positive without making it too positive but I don’t want to make it too negative. If you’re feeling uncertain, that’s really normal and this is why we’re breaking it down.

If you are still processing your child’s diagnosis or your own, you may feel really unprepared and that’s okay. Just start with where you are. Begin with small and positive messages about how everyone’s brain works differently, with no labels and no disclosing anything if that feels too much for you.

Give yourself a minute, right? Me, the podcaster who loves ADHD, loves neurodiversity, loves talking about it, I spent an entire year thinking about talking to my daughter before I actually did. If you’re not feeling ready yet, that’s okay. You don’t have to have all the answers, you don’t have to do it immediately.

The fact you’re willing to show up and listen to this podcast and think about it means you are starting to take the steps and it speaks volumes about your love and commitment for your child. This is not about anybody getting off this episode and just jumping out there and having that conversation.

If it feels like a big deal, it’s probably because it is a big deal. Your child’s ADHD or yours, it isn’t just their story or your story. This is a family conversation, this is a family dynamic.

It is important, I think, to set boundaries with well-meaning relatives who might offer unsolicited advice or criticism. So even if you’re not willing to talk to your child yet and you have spoken to relatives about this ADHD or other diagnosis, it isn’t their place to talk to your child.

If they don’t agree with some of the things that you’re doing, they shouldn’t be saying to the child, I have that, I turned out fine, you don’t need all of this. You do need to have a united front and this is one of the reasons why I encourage people to have that conversation because if you don’t want your child to hear it from someone else first, especially if it’s not framed in the way that you want it.

If you’ve got relatives here that have given their information and talking to you, giving you unsolicited advice, please go back to two of my episodes that will be in the show notes on people-pleasing and how to handle family criticism about ADHD and boundaries that are going to be in the show notes as well.

Those two episodes are going to show you how to script responses in advance and how to model this boundary-setting behavior in front of your child. So first off, even if you’re not willing to speak to your child yet, you may look at other members in your family that you can begin to just flexing the muscle of saying the words ADHD, talking about it and getting some support.

I would definitely start with supportive family members. I would not start with people that don’t have a history of being supportive or you know are not going to be agreeing with the pediatrician. So if we look at a bigger picture for a moment, we are going to be highlighting that ADHD or autism, whatever it is, is a part of who you are.

But it’s not all of who you are. And you want to be normalizing neurodiversity as a whole. Just try and normalize it. This isn’t a dirty word. This isn’t shameful.

One of my really pet hates is when a family member passes away and then no one says their name again. Like after the funeral it’s like everyone’s too scared to say the name for fear of anybody feeling sad. So this is a part of a conversation that needs to be ongoing.

And you want to be sharing how every brain is unique and valuable. Everyone’s working on something. I always talk to my kids about how they have different challenges. One won’t go to bed, one won’t eat different food and one can’t get ready on time.

And yes, two of them can do that thing easily but one of them finds it impossible. And that’s because everyone’s different. So think about the way you explain it in terms of empowering them.

You can explain ADHD that the brain works differently. Sometimes I need extra time with things but other things I’m really good at. So if you think you may be neurodiverse yourself it’s a great time to share that.

It’s a great time to say look my brain works like that too. And this is what happens to me. Also I always tell my children that ADHD is nothing to be ashamed of. This isn’t a private conversation that you can’t disclose to others.

Especially for my daughter who’s nine and they are all talking about their acronyms at school. It’s nothing to be ashamed of but maybe think about telling people that you trust. So talk to them about when and how to share.

Would you tell a bully or someone that you don’t like that you have ADHD? Probably not. But if someone asked you it’s not something to be ashamed of. They may have it too.

You may like to explain a tool. So for example framing medication as glasses for the brain helps kids understand what the medication does. Let’s say for example someone sees fine but when they go to read they actually need to put on glasses.

That’s what it’s like for you at school if you’re not interested in something or you’re getting ready for school. You’ve got to put glasses on for the brain which is the medication that you’re taking if that’s what you choose. You may need to look at your family languaging.

Replacing your being disruptive with it looks like your brain might need a break. So we want to be really looking at those negative labels that sometimes people talk about and look at another way to frame them differently. I always say to my kids I know you don’t want to go to bed because you never want to go to bed and you’re never going to feel tired.

So if we wait for you to feel tired you’re probably never going to feel tired. But I’m telling you it’s bedtime. People with brains like ours never want to go to bed but yet we have to. It does feel boring. You’re right.

One of the reasons that I think this podcast is popular is because it’s validating. It’s validating your experience. So let’s validate our kids experience.

If they’re feeling like taking off their clothes and having a shower and putting it in the clothes basket and doing all those simple chores that should come easily is hard. It probably is because it is hard. I struggle to do the washing. I struggle to do the dishes. I never feel like doing it.

So validate them. They still have to do it but it is going to feel hard. Teach your child that explaining ADHD to others is okay. They can say things like my brain works differently. I might need extra time but I’m also really great at problem solving.

So it’s okay to talk about the elephant in the room. You might need to reassure your child that it’s normal to not feel excited about being told that they have ADHD or another neurodiversity and that there is stigma. They might associate ADHD with that naughty kid and I’m air quoting of course naughty kid in the corner that’s always getting into trouble and if you have a child that prides themselves and have an identity around being the good girl or the good boy that may be a barrier for them.

I always like to share personal stories about times that I’ve struggled and how I’ve worked through it. Name other people who are really successful who also have ADHD.

Here are some common concerns and how to handle them. One. Will they feel labeled or limited? In this conversation we are emphasizing that understanding their brain gives them power. It doesn’t limit them. It is great to talk about how they feel about it. Give them that chance.

Another concern that parents have is what if I don’t explain it perfectly? Let’s just focus on starting the conversation. This is an ongoing conversation. This isn’t a one-time talk.

If you don’t explain it perfectly you know what? It’s so interesting to explain ADHD to kids because they’re such a blank slate. They have no idea if what you’re saying is right or wrong because they have no stigmas. They have no idea what you’re saying if your child’s young enough.

So if you make a mistake they one don’t know and two you can correct it later.

Three. Common concern could be especially if they’re older what if they push back or they don’t want to talk about it? In that situation personally I would respect their boundaries but leave the door open for future conversations and check back in with them.

They may go away Google, Google, Google, Google which may or may not be helpful depending on their age and then come back to you with questions and that’s okay. The other thing is as well is that some children I think depending on their age can be really nervous to talk to the parent in person and they may be more comfortable with texting depending on your child’s age or whether they’re on a kids messenger or whatever they’re using.

Make it okay for them to text questions that you will answer. You may find that you get more out of them during text. A one-on-one face-to-face chat may be too much for them depending on their age and how they feel about it.

I noticed a friend said to me the other day that their child that’s not even that close to this particular auntie, this child keeps texting the auntie all of these questions about the female body and getting her period and the mum is like I don’t know why she doesn’t talk to me about it because I offer.

But I said have you thought that maybe it’s the texting that your daughter likes? It’s actually not that they don’t want to talk to you it’s because it’s always in person and she’s like oh my god that’s a good point. So they’ve actually got a text conversation and the mum has said to daughter what happens in the text stays in the text I won’t talk to you about the text stuff in person and that has meant that their daughter has actually started texting her mum.

So just remember that if you’re feeling stressed and a bit nervous it’s okay. This is about progress not perfection and every small step matters.

Okay finally we’re going to get to the how. Everyone does it differently there’s no way to do this and it depends on your child’s age. I’m going to give you a generic template that I would follow but it’s totally up to you.

One I like to start with the brain’s operating system. Explain how the prefrontal cortex acts as the brain’s control center for planning focus and emotions. Now you might think but my kid’s six seven they can’t do that. I reckon they can.

ADHD and neurodiverse kids are incredibly clever and you know what they are so self-aware a lot of them. You draw a picture and explain that that’s the boss that’s the operating center this is the planning and explain what it is. I reckon it works great.

You can use analogies like it’s like running the newest Nintendo game on an old computer. It works it can be glitchy. Use examples that would work for the child and what they’re interested in then connect it to daily life.

Say for example the operating system sometimes finds it difficult to remember homework. It can lose track of time. If you’re planning your time but then you get sidetracked over with your Nintendo then you end up running late or if you get really upset about something it’s all to do with this operating center and that’s where the ADHD really sits.

Introduce the brain coach. Explain that their brain has a coach. Now the coach is a metaphor for strategies or medication.

So when the volume is turned down low on the brain’s operating center which could be to do with ADHD or autism or any neurodiversity or learning disability. If you’re comparing yourself to a neurotypical friend and wondering why it’s so much harder for you to do things it may be because they have a really strong good operating center and you don’t.

But this is why we use reminders, routines, medication because we need to buffer this up. Depending on their age and again I like to do this really young is I like to talk about neuroplasticity and say the brain can change. If we start to use medication if that’s your choice and tools and reminders we can actually strengthen up your operating system. We can do that.

If you want to know more about that check out the show notes with the From Skeptic to advocate how I change my views on medication. It’s a great episode on neuroplasticity.

Also we want to balance the narrative. Okay we don’t want to make this too positive because it’s not all positive but we don’t want to make it so challenge driven that it’s depressing. Okay we’ve got to go both ends.

We want to acknowledge and validate their experience. If they’re having a hard time at school getting ready whatever it is acknowledge that ADHD the brain’s operating system might be making that harder than other people’s.

We don’t want to minimize the reality that ADHD or autism can be hard. It is going to be hard. There are struggles whether it’s emotional regulation, sensory overload or managing the sheer volume of daily life.

I reckon the kids have it the hardest. When I came out into adulthood and I got out of the schooling environment I could set my life up the way I wanted it. When I was shoved into school with people that I didn’t necessarily get on with, instructions that didn’t suit me and told I must attend.

If your kid’s having a hard time I would not be saying you wait to become an adult. You wait till you see how hard that’s going to be. Honestly I reckon it was easier being an adult than what it was to be a child.

So validate their experience that it’s going to be hard. School can be really hard for neurodiverse kids. We can try our best to make it the best out of it but if you’re having a hard time it’s probably because it is hard.

I’ve faced challenges with my own ADHD and feel free to talk about them. When I look at my older relatives who were likely neurodivergent but didn’t know I see the weight that they carried without the tools and the understanding to lighten the load.

I wish I had have known earlier as does every single adult that I’ve spoken to. I’ve not spoken to one adult who wishes that they didn’t know or that they didn’t know earlier. Self-insight is the best tool we have.

Jane McFadden:

If you’ve already diagnosed your child congratulations because that’s a bloody hard feat in itself. That takes time, effort, money, persistence depending on how your child presents you’ve had to go around get second opinions. So you’ve already done the biggest step.

When we know how our brain works we can stop fighting against ourselves. If you’re talking about autism it’s about knowing what you can and can’t handle and the same for ADHD not trying to fit yourself into a neurotypical mold. That there is the key I think.

The next part is around ADHD is a superpower and it can be a tricky topic. For me personally I wouldn’t call ADHD a superpower. I understand that sometimes people talk about it as a superpower because it comes from a place of positivity.

However most people that I know call it a superpower I notice in neurotypical. They just see that it’s a superpower and then just move on. I don’t know if it’s because they want to make it okay for the person who has ADHD.

So if you say oh I have ADHD they go oh I get unfocused sometimes too and it’s a superpower and I don’t know exactly why they do it. For people that have ADHD I’m always a little intrigued when they call it a superpower because I haven’t found that myself and I wouldn’t try and make the conversation so positive it’s like wow you’ve got this superpower but by the way you get a lot of negative comments when you’re at school and think the harder for you most places that you go but don’t worry because you’ve got a superpower. I probably wouldn’t say that if I was you.

You can absolutely share the positives but I personally wouldn’t call it a superpower. ADHD can make things really hard. Focusing, managing emotions, it can make growing up at hormones really hard. It also can mean you’re creative and great at problem solving and you can remember things and that’s great.

However I wouldn’t call it a superpower. I think it’s a little bit like when someone says that everybody’s a bit on the spectrum. It can unintentionally minimize the unique challenges and experiences of those who are actually autistic. It dilutes the reality of what it means to navigate the world with an autistic brain.

Now my husband recently said this to me. He recently said oh but we’re all on the spectrum aren’t we? Now he probably wishes that he wasn’t married to me because I pull him up on all of this language because I think it is important.

I’ve got no issues with people that don’t know better saying it but if there’s someone that I can educate I will and when he said to me everyone’s on the spectrum I said oh okay so does that include Sarah? And I referenced one of the most popular socially fluid kids with all the friends. She’s great at sport, gets the academic award, she’s got heaps of friends.

Is Sarah on the spectrum too? And when he goes oh I suppose I said but can you see that this invalidates the real struggle of the autistic and ADHD kids that in her class. If they think that Sarah’s on the spectrum too then why aren’t they doing better?

Because it invalidates the real struggle that comes with the diagnosis. It’s not about having a quirk or preference or living with a little bit of a social anxiety or having a little bit of sensory processing or sometimes forgetting something because I wasn’t listening that one time.

We can’t generalize and we risk sending the message to our kids that their experience isn’t valid and that can be really hard because we don’t want them to feel dismissed or misunderstood. So for me neurodiversity is a real and specific thing. It’s not just a catch cry for being a bit different.

I don’t think we should include ADHD as a superpower or everyone’s on the spectrum in a way to make it okay for our kids. There’s other ways to make it okay. There’s other positives yes but I don’t think we should invalidate their struggle.

Depending on your child’s age you can talk about science at their level. You could talk about dopamine and why focusing feels harder, why you’re chasing exciting things, why you might like the kids at school that have got stuff happening, why you might like you know BMX riding or other sports that are really exciting.

You might talk about executive function as being a team of helpers that manage tasks like planning and focus. You might talk about ADHD that makes teamwork a bit harder, a bit slower but let’s train that team to be better.

My kids love knowing why and I find neurodivergent children to be so self-aware. They love the why. So don’t just assume your child won’t get it. Explain it to them, draw a picture, show them a YouTube video and just see where they’re at.

You might like to use tools or visual aids, books, apps. I’ve got an Amazon shop in the show notes with all of the books I like. You might like to use a visual, like you might like to use a diagram, you might like to use another child similar age. It’s openly autistic online.

We are getting a bit more advanced here but you might like to educate your child to advocate for themselves. You might like to explain to your child how to explain ADHD to other people, teach them how to self-advocate.

Jane McFadden:

My brain works differently. I might need extra time to focus but I’m really good at creative thinking. Or they might say, I’m trying not to be disruptive or I’m trying to stay on track. Can you just remind me or tell me again if I get lost?

They might say to their friend, what were we doing? I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten. Can you remind me? They might say ADHD means I think quickly and sometimes I interrupt. It just means that I’m listening and I’m getting really excited. If I interrupt you, it only means that I care and I’m working on it.

Depends on the child’s age but advocacy builds confidence and reduces the stigma and it’s great for your child to feel empowered socially.

I would always create a safe space for questions. Encourage them to ask questions anytime. Validate their feelings. It’s okay to feel upset. It’s okay if someone says to you, oh you have ADHD and then they reference someone else who’s possibly not very well liked and you feel that you’ve been put together in that category with that kid.

They may feel judged. They may feel left out by others and that’s okay. Validate that. That’s true.

Check in with them regularly and revisit the conversation. It’s better to talk about it more than less. Sometimes children and people with ADHD or other neurodiversities worry about being different or bad, especially if you’ve got a teen, all they want to do is fit in.

Challenge the negative self-talk with other ways so you can teach them to reframe it. Instead of saying I always forget things, you could say I’m just working on remembering things better. Think about the languaging and that’s okay.

You can celebrate progress. You can highlight the win, no matter how small. Even if developmentally they should be, either should, way ahead and they’re not. And this is where there’s so much power in community because for some people having their child hit prep is a massive milestone.

That that child has gotten there. They can put their lunchbox in their bag. They can use the bathroom unaided. They’re actually ready. Maybe they’ve done kindy twice. Maybe they’ve done it three times. Maybe they’re seven, but they’ve gotten there.

And for other kids who are neurotypical, maybe that’s just come easy to them. But we need to look at where our kids are at and celebrate it regardless.

I love to normalize struggles with my kids. Share examples of challenges that you’ve faced and how you’ve overcome them. For example, I talk about my ADHD all the time at home. If I’m walking into a room and I forget where I am, I’ll say, oh, I forgot what I’m doing here again.

Or even this morning, I was trying to pack the bag for a beach day at school and I had two of my kids talking to me. I’m trying to pack a bag for this beach day for my other child. And then my husband was asking me when we were leaving and then I can’t remember.

There was something else. I think my phone was ringing and I said oh my God, my brain can’t cope. I just need to read this newsletter as to what I need to pack. I need you guys to be quiet or I’ll go to the other room, but no one can follow me.

I need three minutes to pack this bag because I can’t think with all of that stuff happening around me. So talk about how you’re feeling and what you’re doing around it.

Look at the way that you talk about ADHD and neurodiversity. You may have family vocabulary and family words that you use. Instead of saying you’re being disruptive, you might say your brain is feeling really wiggly right now, isn’t it? Let’s find a way to focus.

For example, my youngest son, he’s very sensory seeking and he likes to be, it does look disruptive, but he’s actually touching and hitting and poking all the time. But he will say to me, I’m just really bored. So when you get bored, that’s what he starts to do.

And so I say, well, let’s find something for you to do. What can you do? And I set up little stations around the house of things that he could do if he’s bored. So being bored, he’s like, he might be bored in like one second.

Like he’s just finished doing something, you know, and suddenly bored and he goes straight to touching, irritating people, which is basically being disruptive, right? I don’t call it disruptive. He calls it being bored. And so I find him things to do and show him how to go to a positive task.

If you want to play with your brother or sister, don’t poke them and annoy them. Ask them to play with you. So find the skill gap and talk to them about that. I know that you feel bored in one second. That’s because you don’t have enough of a particular chemical in your brain, or that’s because you constantly need things to do. That’s okay.

So think about your language with like, not you’re always forgetting things. Think about what strategy can we use to get your brain to remember next time? Positive language has the most positive understanding and collaboration. If we can change our language, we can often change the attitude.

I always say to my kid, I wouldn’t know what to do with a neurotypical child. I’d be so confused. What if they didn’t have any interests that overtake our entire life? You know, my daughter always says to me, I feel so bad for people that can’t remember animal facts.

So talk about how great it is that you have a neurodiverse family and how much fun it is. Because you know what? Neurodiverse people are fun. Whenever my husband and I mention people that we don’t like, or maybe we didn’t warm up too straight away, we always have a bit of a laugh and go, oh, there must be those neurotypical people.

So when you’re looking at your social circle, you may find that you’ve a lot of neurodiverse people in there. And if that’s the case, that’s a great support system for you.

Let’s pause because I just want to make sure that you know that this is a big deal. Explaining ADHD or a neurodiversity to your child is no small task. It takes courage, effort, emotional energy. If you feel overwhelmed and unsure, that’s okay.

It’s okay to feel sad that your child faces extra challenges. These feelings don’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong. They actually mean that you care deeply.

But this isn’t just about explaining ADHD. It’s also about building connection, trust, self-acceptance. It’s about laying the foundation for your child to see themselves as capable and worthy exactly as they are.

If this episode resonated with you, I’ve created a resource called A Child’s Diagnosis, A Mum’s Guide to Support and Helping Others Get It. It’s written by me. It’s packed with tools, tips and strategies to make the conversations easier.

There’s no upsell, no one-to-one, no group community, nothing else to buy. When you buy it, you get the entire answer in one book. You can find it in the ADHD Mum’s shop.

If you’re not already part of the ADHD Mum’s Facebook community, I’m in there constantly. Right in there, I will answer you personally. Come join us. It’s a safe space to share your journey, connect with others and learn together.

Mums, you are not alone in this. This is not about having all the answers. It’s about showing up, starting the conversation and reminding your kids that they are loved and capable.

You are doing an incredible job. Every step that you take makes a difference. Keep going. You’ve got this. Take care of yourself and your neurodivergent family.