Episode 56 – Setting Your ADHD Family Up for a Smoother School Year [Solo Episode]

Jane McFadden:

Hello and welcome back to ADHD Mums. In this podcast we tackle the tough, often unspoken realities of motherhood, neurodiversity and mental health. Welcome back mums.

Today we are going into a big topic and that is getting ready for the new school year. Maybe you are dreading the chaos of a new routine, you’re transitioning to high school, you’ve changed schools or maybe you’re going into a classroom with a teacher that you didn’t request. Maybe your child’s nervous because they’ve been separated from their friends. Whatever the situation is, you are not alone.

And there are so many women on this podcast who say they prefer school holidays because of the overwhelming relentlessness of the school term. If you are dreading the chaos and you are dreading the morning routine and you are dreading the after school and the extracurriculars and, you know, we’re going to come up into February with all of the sports, this episode isn’t just about getting through it. It’s about how to reflect and reduce some of the challenges that we can prepare for so we have the best chance at having the best possible school term that we can, even with the unique challenges that ADHD brings to our lives.

We’re going to go deep today beyond the usual checklists and we’re going to go more into strategies that are tailored for the ADHD brain. And this episode is also for you if you are tired as fuck from the school holidays and you are like, what are the most basic things that I can do to get ready without me having to think constantly? Or if you’re not a parent, but you’re an educator or you’re someone supporting a family navigating ADHD, this can also have valuable insights for creating a smoother transition and building a stronger connection.

Now, before I planned out this episode, I really wanted to reflect on my own experience last year. Oh my God, I remember when I had my youngest child in 2019 and I did the math on when he would go to school and I thought 2024, I will have a child in grade three, in grade one and in prep.

My husband and I love the beach and we bought an old beachside house that was our dream. It was right down the road to a school that I thought was going to be really good.

But what happened at the start of 2024 was I realized that my youngest child would need to repeat kindy. I also had to put him in early intervention and, for our family and so many families like us, I became the fallback person. I had to sacrifice a few days a week of mine again to look after our child.

Now, that was in some ways a choice. However, the perfectionism and the guilt of being a mother and the expectations that I put on myself, I decided to take those days and have him at home as my last child. And it won’t be forever. That was my choice.

But the reality of that was that I was at home with my child for another whole year that I thought I wasn’t going to be. Within four weeks of my daughter starting grade three, she went through some personal challenges in regards to the big transition in that private school to high school that they begin doing in grade three.

She was unable to cope with the stress and we medically had to leave that school. She transitioned into homeschooling and I had effectively two children at home out of three in 2024, which devastated me, if I’m honest. My expectations of 2024 were not the reality.

And the fact that I was still toilet training my five-year-old as well, still going through some really intense challenges around constipation and toileting — there was so much going on that year.

We put in plans with council to put in a tiny home so I could work on the property but in my own space, so I could not be interrupted every moment of the day. That was not approved. It was devastating. But what ended up happening was we moved on to a larger property and I found out about an incredible regional school and we transitioned back in.

The reason I bring this up is because sometimes with neurodivergent parenting, the expectations don’t meet reality. What we think it’s going to be like is not what we end up with. If we start looking at some of our neurotypical friends or people that we know, you may not be tracking the same. And it can be really devastating when you think you’re going to be somewhere and your child’s lagging or you’re lagging.

 

We had been doing multiple drop-offs for nearly nine years and I thought that was the end of that. I thought that there would be periods of my day where I wouldn’t be doing a pickup and a drop-off because I’d be out of half that with my husband.

But the reality was we ended up with one child at kindy, one at a private school and then one at a regional state school eventually. We ended up driving all over the coast for an hour and a half each per day on either end of the day, putting an incredible amount of pressure on both of us.

The reason I bring this up is because, one, it’s okay to be disappointed or angry or feeling resentment if you’re not where you thought you were going to be. And two, sometimes the best laid plan doesn’t work out. If that load falls back on you, it’s okay to feel a bit disappointed and angry.

Sometimes when we think about resentment and the mental load — and I’m going to do another whole episode on that — sometimes I feel like we don’t want to, well I don’t want to, step right into it and feel it and see it for what it is because it’s so difficult to change. You don’t know where you start.

The more I focus on it, the more angry I get, the more unhappy I get, the more full of resentment I get. It’s almost that acceptance of, that’s just the way it is, that keeps me going. But then I know that’s what keeps society going too, and that’s not right. But I don’t know how to change it.

I know that being pissed off and angry and resentful is not helping my family.

It’s a great idea to reflect on the last school year because we want to be thinking about what went well, what didn’t go so well, and what could have gone differently, what could have gone better.

So to begin the last school year at the start of 2024, you know, I had the uniforms labelled, I had the lunch boxes ready and I had the schedule printed out, which I thought was a massive win. And I thought, what else is there to do?

But within the first week my youngest child was in absolute disarray over some itchy socks that were not feeling right all of a sudden. My middle child was refusing to eat any food from the lunch box because he had become used to eating at home during the school holidays.

He was no longer wanting or able or motivated to eat anything from his lunch box. He refused to eat all day. We had some issues with a teacher at school that I was hoping to avoid if I’m honest — and I’m sure she was hoping to avoid me too. There were all of these pressures from grade three which we weren’t expecting.

We also, by a miracle, got in with our paediatrician finally after waiting nearly two years and managed to get moving on medication, which of course is never a smooth track. Getting into a paediatrician and exploring medication can often derail things more so in the short term. Yes, it’s great in the long term, and we’ve found some great medication now and I’m really happy with where we’re at. But at that time it was really rocky.

I feel like when I reflect back, I’d focused so much on the logistics that I kind of had overlooked the emotional and the sensory needs of my kids — and honestly myself. I just got focused on what needed to be done and I didn’t really think through some of the feelings and the emotional regulation that had to happen for all of us.

That may have been the excitement of what I thought 2024 was going to be like, but the experience has really pushed me to rethink how I approach school prep this year. And I wanted to share some strategies about what I think is going to make the biggest difference for what I’m planning on doing.

You can take from this what you will. You may find some of this works, some of it doesn’t. It’s completely individual. But it might make you think of things that I haven’t thought of that you might like to share — and if you’d like to share, pop them into the Facebook group.

The Facebook group will be in the show notes. I answer every single question in the Facebook group personally. I often leave it a few days to let other people answer — there are so many comments. It’s very well moderated. It’s a very validating group. I love that group.

If you have anything to share that’s going to help anybody else, please post it onto that group.

 

Let’s talk about some of the specific challenges that we face as ADHD mums.

Overwhelmed mornings when tasks pile up and emotions really run high. Sensory challenges like uncomfortable uniforms and noisy classrooms can really derail the afternoon or the morning. Emotional regulation can be really tricky, particularly during transitions.

You can have a meltdown in the afternoon. You can be dealing with teachers. You may be having a difficult time advocating for your child or finding resistance from your child. You might be dealing with school refusal.

There’s also the executive function and load to manage those routines, which are difficult to establish and difficult to stick to. Now that isn’t always our children — that’s us too. Sticking to a routine and then ensuring that everybody in your house is doing that is so difficult.

The mental and emotional load of managing school preparation without feeling burnt out can be really tricky.

So first up, we want to reflect on last year’s systems and thinking. You want to have a really good look at what worked and what didn’t. Identify patterns and think this through.

For example, one of my children is basically impossible to get ready. I have never known anybody to take longer. Sometimes we’re at three hours and we’re still not even close. That is how long it takes.

Now, what I’m thinking about at this point is offering that child half a dexamphetamine in the morning. I’ve talked to the paediatrician about it, and I’m thinking a few weeks before school — we’re starting to think about this now — trying her on a dexamphetamine in the morning.

She takes the non-stimulant and I don’t want to go into a whole medication discussion. But if I strip back, what is the most stressful part of the day? What makes me feel 100 years old before 9am?

100% — that child and getting her to school on time, or even to school at all. It is by far the most frustrating thing I’ve ever experienced.

So think about what worked. What were the most aggravating and stressful things? And what can you start doing now?

Now, this doesn’t have to be about medication. It might be having a good visual aid. It might be having a timer for her or for him.

Think about the parts of your week that are most stressful. You may find that picking up the kids when they’re hungry, you may need to have snacks in the car every single day.

Think about what it is that does you in the most. The ten-minute drive from school home with one of my kids who was hungry — oh my God, it used to make me want to get out of the car with the level of emotional intensity from that child. Now give him a packet of chips — he’s sweet.

Now this isn’t about being perfect. This isn’t about having high-protein snacks only after school. And if you can do that, oh my God, that is amazing.

I know that I’m not going to be able to pack sushi, hard-boiled eggs and those really nice protein-packed afternoon foods — chia balls, protein balls — after school for my child. For me, I might need to put a family value pack with twelve little packs. And that’s okay.

So don’t think about what would be perfect. Think about how you could learn and adapt being realistic to your life.

 

For example, I know this year I’m going to have to work really hard on food. I backburned food last year because we had a lot of fires in other areas and actually it’s become a real issue in terms of the kids having restrictive food that they will eat. That’s become really difficult.

So when I reflect on last year, there were a lot of challenges. One of the things that I felt really went poorly was the kids’ food. I had some significant issues with multiple children last year, as I’m sure a lot of mums on this podcast will understand.

We had significant issues going on. Getting the kids fed and making sure they were growing and putting on weight was about where I was at. I also had some significant mental health issues as well, which I spoke about in one of my episodes where I talked about ADHD medication bringing out my autistic tendencies. I’ll put a link to that in the show notes if you haven’t heard it.

At this point, I’m not going to bash myself for what I didn’t do last year because, you know what, I got through it. And if I look at what we achieved last year and where I was at in February — I don’t want to say I was in the gutter, but I felt like I was in the gutter mentally.

Did I continue to get up, get my kids to school? Would they have known? I don’t think they would have, probably on an unconscious level because I wasn’t really happy, but I put up that smile and I got up regardless and I took them to school. I got them food and I went through the motion and I did that only for my kids.

Whereas if I didn’t have children, I think I would have laid in bed for six months, if I’m honest. But I got up regardless and I’m proud of myself for that with a very limited support system.

Although you know what I’ll say — my husband, who’s the most beautiful man and I’m so in love with him, he didn’t get it. He didn’t get the battle, he didn’t get the resentment, he didn’t get the anger because of the way 2024 started. And you know why? I don’t think it really affected him.

Of course he didn’t get it because it didn’t affect his life. He’s like, oh, you know, gotta drop the other one at kindy or whatever it is. Like he couldn’t understand. Well, go find a homeschool program for my daughter.

And this is a very loving relationship, but he didn’t get it. So when I reflect on last year, I reflect on how well I did to get through it.

What I’m trying to emphasize is this isn’t about what I didn’t do. What I didn’t do very well was prioritize two of my kids’ lunch boxes to a point that they started eating only packet food. They said they didn’t like fruit and I started to think, well, at this point what is the point in buying the food, cutting it up, washing the fruit, doing all this stuff if they’re not going to eat anything? And that was where I was at.

So where my focus went was not food. And we had a slippage around dinner and around technology. There was a lot of stuff in the beginning half of the year where I was really struggling that didn’t set up the rest of the year well.

I mean, there’s just no way I could have done any better. And I didn’t have any help. So see how I’m taking responsibility, but I’m not bashing myself over it. I’m not comparing myself to other people.

What I’m like this year is, I know I’m going to have to focus on it. However, I also know that I have very limited capacity for anything extra. I don’t have hours in the day to go to the shops constantly. I am more of a once-a-week delivery Woolworths or Coles person.

I don’t go and get the fresh fruit and the fresh bread regularly enough. So I know I need to set up a more structured routine. I probably need to take my kids into the supermarket — which is going to be painful — to pick out the fruit initially to get it moving.

I’m going to have to ensure that the bread is fresh to get these sandwiches back on the game because I think the freshness issue has contributed to the sensory issues. Around, well, I don’t know if that mandarin’s going to be old. I don’t know if we’re going to have seeds in it. I don’t know if that apple is going to be a bit powdery and gross, so I’m not going to try it.

So when I really started to structure how next year is going to work, I’ve had to talk to my husband about what role he’s going to play, what extra help and support we’re going to get in to do some of those tasks, what planning we’re going to have to do, and when we’re going to have those family discussions around dinner, food and reward systems.

Now, I’m thinking to myself, this is probably going to take me an extra ten hours a week. Honestly, to get on top of this food stuff, that is how long I think it would take for me to plan, deal with the kids, go shopping and have it done. It might even be more than that.

So where is that time going to come from? I don’t have a lot of time, so I’m going to have to look at things that I can actively take out of my schedule to make way for that.

What is the temptation here? The temptation is to think about the most perfect way to do all of the food — which is probably what I’ve done — but then underestimate how long it will take, or add it into everything else I have on, expect myself to do it and not ask for help.

This isn’t about finding the perfect plan and shoving more into your week. This isn’t about putting more pressure on yourself. This isn’t about berating yourself for last year.

This is about critically thinking about what you could actually change and then what you need to drop out.

 

Now, dropping out — that’s not you dropping out self-care. That’s not, oh I only get to do my one thing that I want once a week, so now I can’t do that. No, no, no, no, no.

I had this chat with my husband the other day because I said to him I didn’t have time to get up in the morning to do my gym routine, which is just in the garage, because of all these things. He goes, oh well, maybe it’s not the right day to start then.

My face said it all. And he goes, oh, I don’t know what you want to say. I said, well, I thought you might say I’ll help you. So then my only self-care, which is actually health related, doesn’t suffer. I thought you might jump in.

So we’re not sacrificing self-care. You might need to drop out an extracurricular. And if that has to happen, that has to happen.

Also, have a bit of a look at energy and start to map out how school routines affect home life and external factors. Identify points in time, points in the week that are difficult. Maybe the rush mornings and the mood is linked to the late night.

Is the late night linked to the late dinner? For me, I’ve actually stepped back the food in that I know I’ve got to have dinner on the table latest by six o’clock. I aim for 5:30. It’s got to be on the table before six.

If it doesn’t, I’m on an 8:30 bedtime for my daughter who’s nine, because I have to do two before her. That’s too late, because I’ve got to get her up at five, right? Because she’s got to get ready for three hours.

For me, as I said, the struggle in the morning with my daughter is linked to going to bed late, which is linked to having dinner late, which is linked to not being organized, which is linked to not having enough different meals because my kids won’t eat the same thing. But then I’m having to go back and forth making different things to give them anything to eat because they’re crying, they’re so hungry and they’re also dry reaching because they won’t eat the food that’s prepared.

Now that’s a whole other thing, this food thing, right? But I’m just trying to identify what it is that’s the issue.

What I don’t believe we should be doing — and I’m going to highlight a mistake that I think some parents make — it’s around pointing the finger at the child, that it’s their issue. Now, this may not be popular belief and my husband certainly disagrees with me, but I don’t believe that it’s ever the child’s fault. I don’t believe it is.

I will take so much responsibility for everything that I have done rather than shoulder that load onto them because a lot of the stuff with kids I think is environmental.

So, for example, it would be so easy for me to point at my daughter — drives me mad — and say in the mornings it’s her fault and punish her if she can’t get ready on time. However, taking responsibility involves me realizing and knowing that I’m getting her to bed too late because we’re having dinner too late because I have to put two other children to bed first.

Now I could ask for more help. I could bring in a specialist so they all go to sleep by themselves. There are so many different things I could do.

What I’m planning on doing is bringing dinner earlier and getting more organized there, and not having the multiple meals so she goes to bed on time and she gets up earlier and she’s fresher. Dragging her out because she hasn’t had enough sleep day after day after day is not helping her.

And I have to take responsibility to know that she will never, ever, ever be ready to go to bed. Ever. She’s hyperactive. She likes to go to sleep around 9pm if it’s up to her.

So we aren’t shouldering responsibility onto our kids. We’re having a look at what we could improve on and what’s realistic to us.

This is not about being the perfect mother. I really want you to understand that. This is about having a better setup and being more effective and taking just a moment — even if you’re driving — to think through what some of the challenges may have been.

 

Have a good look at things like meltdowns in the afternoon. Is it because they didn’t eat lunch? Is there something that you can talk to the teacher about to make sure that they eat their lunch? Can they hold the class in for five minutes to give them their eating time if they’re younger?

What is it about the meltdown in the afternoon that is the kicker? Is it generally on a Thursday and a Friday and they’ve had after school activities all week? What is it that you can take out? So have a think about what some of those challenges might be.

And you don’t have to do this alone. Yes, we need to talk to our partners if we have one, but also you can talk to your kids. Now, I can talk to my five-year-old really openly about what worked and didn’t work for him. So this is not an adult discussion you need to wait for them to be a teenager to do. You can actually start to talk to them about this now.

For example, with my daughter and the dexamphetamine — what I’ve been talking to her about recently is I’ve had to move from Vyvanse, as I talked about in an episode around the autistic tendency. And I loved Vyvanse, so please, if you enjoy taking Vyvanse and Vyvanse works for you, power to you. I’m also a little envious because I loved my time on Vyvanse.

The problem that I had was it began to make me withdrawn and sad. I go into this in the podcast episode in the show notes. It brought out autistic tendencies and I was then diagnosed autistic and I had to change meds.

So I’ve gone back on short acting, which is dexamphetamine. And what that means is that the kids see me take these little white tablets all the time. My kids are always with me, particularly in school holidays, and of course they ask me, what are you taking?

Now this is where being honest is really helpful. Because I say, oh I need this medication because of this reason. I need to have it before one o’clock because it starts to affect my sleep. Or I need to take my dexamphetamine in the morning with my cup of tea because I just can’t get moving. Don’t talk to me before I have my dexamphetamine.

So I will actually talk to the kids about what I’m doing. And what that does for my daughter is it opens up a conversation with her around: I have to take dex in the morning because I just can’t get you guys ready. I can’t get myself ready. It helps me. It helps me with my ADHD. It helps me with my brain. Otherwise I walk from room to room and I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.

And she goes, me too.

I believe one of the best things you can do is to talk to your kid about your ADHD to get them on board if you need to change a strategy.

So I think it’s really important to remember that ADHD is not a child issue. Let’s say, for example, I know a couple of neurotypical mums that have ADHD kids, but we don’t want to talk to them like the ADHD is their problem and it’s their thing. There’s something wrong with them and here’s how we fix them.

This is a family issue, which is why we talk about it openly.

 

So, number two — we might have a look at structuring routines. And this is called cognitive load theory, if anybody wants to look up the kind of nerd stuff behind it.

What it does is it breaks down the routine into very, very small parts.

For example: number one, micro routine. Break the morning into very small, clear steps. Brushing teeth, dressing, packing lunch.

Now, if you have trouble in the mornings with your kids, this wouldn’t be a time that I would add in, you know, chores, unpacking a dishwasher and extra things that don’t need to be there. This is about the bare minimum to get out the door.

You might need a colour-coded chart or an app. And you may need that for your partner too.

Now, it’s okay to tailor these to your child’s needs. One child might need help eating lunch. Another might need reminders to be ready on time. Another one might be time blind — they need a watch.

Another one might need help picking out fruit to put in their lunchbox because they are not very good at healthy eating. Think about what your child needs help with. And this is not necessarily one-size-fits-all.

Your kids are different. I have spoken to my kids — who are nine, seven and five — around, different kids mean different challenges. I’m different to Dad. He does things differently. We’re good at different things.

If you have to have different rewards and different setups for each kid, that’s okay.

A little bit of research here — research shows that visual cues actually really improve the completion rates for ADHD individuals for getting things done. Visual external prompts massively improve memory and focus.

If you’re wondering why that is, it’s because we don’t want to overload the brain with things that don’t need to be there.

So, for example, I think remembering an entire to-do list would be really difficult. Try and brain dump out where you can.

What I wouldn’t do is I wouldn’t put the cognitive load or overload onto a child about what they’ve got to do next in the morning. You want to externalize the tasks into systems on the wall, or into systems and apps if they’re older, or a watch, so your brain doesn’t need to hold on to all the information.

To expect a child to know and remember what to do next every time, and not get overwhelmed and continue to transition from one thing to the next, to jobs they don’t want to do, might be unrealistic depending on your child’s age.

They may know what to do next in terms of teeth, shoes, getting dressed, having breakfast. They may know. But do they know when to start? Do they know task initiation? Do they know when something’s done? Do they know when they should move on?

Do they understand how long time is? We’re saying we’re going to leave in five minutes. Do they know that that’s different to thirty?

The first step with having a team and getting everybody on board is to let them know what’s happening. If you know what’s happening and you’re frustrated that nobody’s doing what you want, think about whether you’ve communicated properly.

And I know I am guilty of that. Before I started taking medication, I actually can see that I basically didn’t communicate with people. I had so much going on in my brain I just assumed everybody knew.

So externalizing tasks — not just ourselves but externalizing them for our kids and for our partners — is really important.

Some OTs and some strategies will talk about pairing an automatic behaviour with something that often is forgotten.

So, for example, if you know that you need to look at your checklist and you know that you do that religiously because you can’t live without it, you may prep the lunches while reviewing the checklist. If your child is particularly good at doing one thing but they’re terrible at doing something else, pair them together.

You can also look at setting up the routine and when your child does what at a certain time. If your child is taking medication that’s going to take an hour and a half to kick in — like Vyvanse for example — you may leave the complex tasks till later when the Vyvanse has kicked in.

If you know they enjoy having a shower, you may give them the Vyvanse then, let them have the shower, freshen up before you start talking to them about packing their lunch, checking their bag, homework, all of that. I wouldn’t start with that with them unmedicated, if they are medicated.

So think about the order in which we’re doing things and the order in which your child is doing things.

It is a great time in the holidays to just take a moment. Now it’s not that we have more time in the holidays — I know I don’t — but it’s a great time to reflect. Because when you’re already in it, it’s hard to then change the routine.

So if you’re going to spend time on this, it’s a great time to do it now.

 

Number three is the emotional anchors. Now, I know that emotional readiness is going to rely on a regulated nervous system.

So if you want your child to be emotionally resilient and in a good space, they need to have a regulated nervous system.

Transitions are hard, right? And we’re all probably more nervous than our child on the first day of school, because you just want it to go well. It’s a massive impact if it doesn’t go well.

So we want to really build emotional readiness with some strategies and we want to make sure that they’re regulated. And I mean, this is easier said than done, right? I’m just giving you the information — it’s going to be very difficult to do all of this.

For example, having good sleep and good food. Both of those things I can say barely ever happen together for us. Going to bed and getting good food in is incredibly difficult in my family.

So please, if this is hard for you, know it’s hard for me too. But we know that it works and it’s worth focusing on. Will you get it perfect? Maybe not. And that’s okay.

Perfect for you and good for you may be different to someone else. Please don’t compare yourself to anybody.

Now, depending on your kid’s age, you can do narrative therapy. You can frame the school year as an exciting adventure where your child’s the hero. For my nearly six-year-old who’s about to start prep, that’s probably what I’ll do.

But we also really want to look around validating our kids. It’s okay to feel nervous. I get nervous about new things too. I’m really nervous too.

We want to be driving past the school if it’s a new school. If there’s an orientation or a class visit, go early. You might want to role play the drop-off.

I personally wouldn’t put my kid in school uniforms and do pretend starts and do the drop-off. Some people find that really helpful, and that’s okay. So think about what are some things that you can do to get your child emotionally ready.

Some people like morning affirmations while they brush their teeth. Some people like breathing exercises. Some people like to have little focus corners at home that look like a classroom. And these may be a bit more for younger kids. I get for teenagers it’s a little bit different.

But the idea is that emotional stability begins with regulation. We want to build a ritual that grounds and soothes.

We want to give our child something that they can do if the school year goes to shit. Now, this is important for any person in the world, let alone a child. But we have to set this up for our kids because they’re not going to know how to set this up.

I didn’t even know how to set this up for myself. This is a work in progress for most people. So we don’t want to wait until everything goes to shit and then start to say to our kids, how can we start to feel good about ourselves? What can we do? What makes us feel good?

Let’s do that now. We don’t want to wait for a child not to be in a good headspace before we give them tools.

So for example, if your child really enjoys going to the gym, get them sorted out now if they’re a teenager. Get them started. If they enjoy horse riding, make sure they’ve got that time. If they enjoy playing puzzles, if they enjoy a particular thing — if there’s a child that’s a really healthy choice for them — set up a regular class with them.

So if they don’t do anything, they have no idea how to emotionally regulate, how to start to feel good, how to release stress — find those things now. And that’s for you too. Find those things that make you feel good.

So if you get into a situation where you are feeling stressed, anxious, depressed — whatever it is — you have some go-to strategies. That’s really important for a person of any age. So focus on that for yourself and for your child.

If you have a child that doesn’t know how to emotionally regulate, they don’t know what they enjoy, help them find it. Act like a detective around what they enjoy, what they talk about. If you are unsure for yourself, think about what you research on your phone at two o’clock in the morning when you wake up.

 

So with school, depending on the child’s age, you can link school to their passion. If they’re young and they really love science, for example, you can visit a museum, you can watch a video.

I remember — this is probably a really nerdy thing to say — but I remember reading all the books before the school year. So they’d say, this is the book we’re going to study, and I’d read it in the school holidays. I know that sounds really weird, but that’s what I used to do. I loved it.

So think about some exciting things of school that they’re going to be doing and try to link to that. For example, for a younger child, you might let them pick a new backpack out. It might be linked to dinosaurs or whatever it is that they really love. And you might start to link school with some of their passions.

If your child wants to become, let’s say, a scientist or they want to become a policeman — whatever your child wants to become, or they talk about becoming, even if they want to become a dinosaur — think about what it is about school. What is school giving them that is going to get them where they want to go? Because that’s what school’s about, right?

School is only about, I think, as a vehicle. It’s not actually about school. It’s about giving them what they need for where they want to go. So that’s where the question around schooling comes.

I think a lot of kids can find it like, what is this all for? What is the point of it? And that is a very neurodivergent way of thinking. So try to link it to something that they care about rather than just making it, well, we all have to do shit we don’t like.

In regards to teachers, I don’t want to talk about teachers forever because I could do a whole hour on teachers. But we know that the research shows that having a good relationship between the teacher and the student is one of the most important parts of being at school.

Some parents like to share a one-page strengths and strategies document with the teacher. If you are hoping that that new teacher will get that through the school, I wouldn’t rely on it. I would email it regardless. I would email the inclusion plan in case somebody’s forgotten it.

I also do it as a nudge to the teacher, like, hello, could you read this? You might want to schedule in a week in, two weeks in, a pre-term meeting to discuss anything that you may need.

And I would always use the word “we” to foster collaboration — not “I” and “them.” We, what are we doing? And always talk about what’s going great.

Even if you don’t like the teacher, try to start the year as positive as you can and talk to your child positively about the teacher as much as possible.

But also, if it’s a teacher that they don’t particularly like, that they have had an experience with before, whatever it is — feel free to validate their experience.

Yeah, look, it’s probably going to be a tricky year. I remember I had to work with somebody that I really didn’t get on well with either, and it was really tricky. The great thing with life is that things change. It is going to be a long year though.

So feel free to validate what they’re feeling nervous about. If they’re feeling nervous about being separated from their friends, validate that. I wouldn’t say, don’t worry about it, you’ll make other friends. That doesn’t validate their experience.

Say, okay, that’s going to be really hard. You’re right. You’ve been in the same class with those two kids the whole time, and you love having them there. And that’s going to be really tricky.

Yes, they may get to play with them at lunch. They might see them outside at an extracurricular. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that they’re not going to be in the classroom with them all the time. So make sure you let your child know that you get it.

Whatever they’re nervous about, I reckon the first step is to first validate how they feel. Even if you think your struggles are worse. Even if you have to go to work with people that you absolutely do not like, and they’re just worried about being separated from one of their friends.

It’s easy to be like, oh well, geez, that’s not much of a struggle, is it? And compare it. But remember, they’re a child. They have less coping strategies. It’s all about them in their mind. And they don’t have the same level of resilience as what you do.

That’s their whole world. Of course they’re going to be upset. After you’ve validated, you can talk to them about strategies that they can do to find their friends or make other friends after. But don’t minimize how they feel.

 

One thing that I’m doing at the moment is a big thing around sensory prep.

So sensory preparation — I figured out partway through the year that basically a lot of the school shorts and socks and a lot of the things that are available in some of the larger chains that are generally a bit cheaper are only really available, or the biggest range is available, at the beginning of the year.

Because of the NDIS and the changes that they’ve had there, the sensory clothes are not going to be funded for this year. So I know that, and I’ve gone around to some of the bigger chains and tried to find the softest fabrics because a lot of the sensory fabrics from the sensory stores are incredibly expensive. Like, I’m talking $80 for a pair of shorts.

So I’m not going to pay $80 for a pair of shorts, particularly when I know I’m going to need a lot of pairs because I never know where anything is. So I always try and have lots of school uniforms, lots of socks, lots of options. So it reduces the amount of time I’ve got to go looking for things or the amount of pressure I’m on to do the washing on time every day.

You might want to have a look at testing clothes for comfort, removing tags, finding alternatives if necessary. You might look at making sure they’ve got sensory tools available if they have them.

For example, my son who’s going into prep is obsessed with reptiles. I’ve got him a few reptile sensory toys that I know he’s allowed to take with him. And I’ve showed him how to use these sensory toys when he’s feeling stressed or overwhelmed, or when he’s learning or trying to concentrate.

So I wouldn’t wait for him to not be able to sit on the mat on the first day of prep. I know that he’s probably going to struggle with that, so I’m trying to find ways to show him — because he’s the youngest — what I’ve seen helped with my other two kids.

You also want to look at managing the mental load and automate as much as possible. I’m not going to go into this because I’m sure a lot of you have heard it before.

But I wouldn’t wait until the first day of school before you start syncing up your Google calendar or setting reminders for key events. If you start to get those documents out, put them into your calendar.

For a lot of people, they do like batch meals, they do batch snacks. Like if their kids are going to need a particular snack after school, like I was talking about having the family value bags of all the twelve chips or the particular flavour my child likes — I might buy a lot of them now and put them in the cupboard.

So think about what you can do to set yourself up to begin with.

It’s that procrastination around ADHD — that feeling like, I’ll just do it later — and then the next thing you know, the day is the day and you haven’t been ready.

If you do have a bit more time in the school holidays, look at direct debiting a lot of bills. Look at setting up your banking app or anything you can do that automates paying bills, doing admin tasks.

If you’re at a school that has a tuck shop with a preloaded amount of money for the canteen, load that up now. Or if you don’t know what your password is to some of those apps, look up what the passwords are now.

 

If your child is transitioning to high school, a new class, a new school, anything new — or they just need a bit more practice with their social stuff — you can practice scenarios like introducing themselves or joining a group now.

Give them scripts. “Hi, I’m Sarah. Would you like to play with me? This is what I’m playing.” You might want to give them scripts around how you make a friend and what you say.

You might want to arrange a meet-up with classmates if you can figure out who they are in their class before you start or you’re going to a new school. A couple of playdates before school starts always goes a long way.

This kind of social confidence is just an incremental slow muscle build. So start to have those practice conversations now. You can also show them YouTubes of other people that have got good social skills practicing. Neurodivergent kids are great at copying. So if you’ve got some good examples, show them.

Depending on your child’s age, you may just drop them off at the playdate or you might start to reduce your presence there to scaffold. So think about not necessarily scaffolding the whole way, but how you can actually start to build those steps for your child.

You might want to talk through what won’t go well. Now, it’s always tricky with this stuff. There’s always this feeling around, oh, I don’t want to talk about what will happen if my child has to sit by themselves or the worst-case scenarios.

But your child is probably already thinking of the worst-case scenarios. So you may as well mention them. I use this as a strategy to get around anxiety.

So when I’m really anxious about something, I worst-case scenario it. I go, the absolute worst-case scenario in this is this. And then I go, well, what would I do? Then I actually start to strip back, okay, this is what I would do. This is what I would do. This is what I would do. That would be okay.

And I almost feel like I’ve controlled it. Like, okay, I’ve set a script for what I’ll do. The next worst-case scenario is this. What will I do?

Your child is probably already worst-case scenarioing if they have anxiety. So if they don’t have anxiety and you don’t think they’re worst-case scenarioing, I wouldn’t do it. But if they’re a bit catastrophic with their thought patterns, like “what if everybody hates me?” I would actually go through, okay, if nobody wanted to be your friend and you had to sit by yourself, what would you do?

If you’re walking up to a group and you didn’t know if they wanted you to sit with them or not, or you didn’t know if they were friendly and wanted someone else to join, how would you know they wanted you to join? And what would you say?

You might want to go through what that would be, what that would look like, what they would do and say. Preparing scripts can really assist with emotional regulation. If your child is left alone on the first day of high school and they don’t have anybody to sit with, I think it’s better to prep them for that so they know what they would do rather than just allow them to go through it without any prior warning.

Give them some tools or scripts for worst-case scenarios.

If your child has been going to bed later during the school holidays, you might want to start transitioning them back into going to bed earlier. If you have to wake them up at six o’clock in the morning every weekday, you might start waking them up at seven for the week before, or a couple of weeks before, and think about shifting them back.

It’s not a great time on the first week of school to have your kid going to bed at nine and then getting up at six if they need more sleep than that. Obviously it’s an individual thing with your child, but I would look at adjusting sleep patterns earlier a couple of weeks out rather than just doing it on that week and having them absolutely exhausted.

 

Frequently asked question — we’re just going to go through a couple of questions that people generally ask.

What if I don’t like my child’s teacher? This is if your child is going to be safe and they’re going to be emotionally safe. I don’t mean about if you feel like your child is going to be mentally suffering and you’re going to be emotionally challenged and mistreated — that’s not what I’m saying.

Now, this is a tricky one. If you are uneasy about your child’s teacher this year, do your best to shift your mindset and approach the relationship as positive as possible. While you may not align with their teaching style or their values or their methods or whatever it is that you find challenging, do your best. Because your attitude will matter and it will impact the year.

If you can just make the best of it, you’re doing well. And it will impact your child’s attitude too.

You could schedule a meeting early in the term to really share information about your child and try to get them on board as much as possible. You can use inclusive language. I’d ask questions like, how can we best support my child with transitions if this is what they’re struggling with?

Try to create a sense of teamwork, shared goals, and just try to think, I’m going to try and get the best out of this person as I can. They may not like you either, but that’s what happens at work a lot of the time for us. You may not like them personally, but see if you can make the best of it.

If there are issues starting to arise throughout the year, I would always write them down, record everything with examples, so you don’t end up saying things like, “this happens all the time,” but not knowing when and where that was.

If collaborating with them is strained, even though you’re trying really hard, try to find an alternative person. You might have a student wellbeing officer or somebody else that can kind of mediate between you.

Try to be calm and factual and solutions-focused in your term. If you see something good, call it out. You don’t want to be that person where they go, “she’s never happy.” Like, well, you could be happy. Maybe sometimes you are happy. So you want to share those happy and those good times as well.

If you feel like resolution with this particular teacher or person at school is just out of reach, I would then focus on building your child’s resilience. Teach them self-advocacy skills — how to ask for help, how to communicate their needs, how to talk to the teachers at school, or possibly how to say no if that’s needed.

This is an important opportunity to model advocacy and show your child how to handle challenging relationships. So all is not lost if you don’t have the greatest teacher or the teacher of your preference. There are a lot of learnings that can come from having a teacher that doesn’t fit great.

Now, the two things you need with resilience — one, you need to have a child that’s emotionally regulated. So you don’t want them to be coming back from sickness or a really tiring time. Let’s say like a whole week away with a family member — you want to have them well-rested and regulated.

And you need to have a safe environment. I’ve got a whole episode on this and it’s called Building Resilience. It will be in the show notes.

Also, the next point is to have a think about what worked for you socially last year or volunteer-wise or within the school community. Think about your school walking-in strategy, talking to other parents — what worked, what didn’t.

Think about the volunteering if you did any or didn’t. This is not a guilt thing. This is around: if you volunteered and it was too much, and this is how it made you feel; or, I didn’t have a strong connection to the school and I wanted to — I should have volunteered, or I want to do it this year; or, I don’t want to this year.

Just think about what worked with you and the school, and what you would like to do differently, if anything, this year.

 

If this episode resonated with you, take one strategy and try it this week. Whether it’s setting up a profile for your child, building a sensory kit, picking out something manageable and seeing how it works.

Preparing for the new school year is not easy, especially when ADHD is part of the mix. But it’s not about perfection. This is about progress.

You’re doing an incredible job, and all the efforts that you take matter. All the steps and the mental load and getting ahead of it, anticipating and getting ready early — which is not necessarily a natural step or natural part of our personality — can be really tricky if you have ADHD, but it matters.

Until next time, take care of yourself and thank you for listening. The key message here is: you are not alone.

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