Jane McFadden:

Hello and welcome to the next episode of ADHD Mums. This has been a little while since I’ve done an interview. I actually forgot how to get started. Welcome to you, Jasmine Meek, for part three of the diagnosis series. How are you?

Jasmine Meek:

I am great, thank you. How are you, Jane?

Jane McFadden:

Very well. We were speculating that we were right on time, one o’clock. I’ve never started on time. And then of course, we had internet problems, mainly on my end. I’m now sitting in a darkened bedroom, which is weird because I was going to use this for Instagram stories. I am now not going to do that because it’s such an odd background that I have. But now we are 20 minutes in.

Jasmine Meek:

That’s okay. We’ve gotten there in the end.

Jane McFadden:

And let’s do a really short recap. So Jasmine inboxed me mid-2023 and said, I’m about to go and get a diagnosis. Would you like to follow along with my story? I think it could be really interesting. And I thought that is one of the best ideas for an episode I’ve ever heard.

And actually the way it’s played out has been even more interesting because the first episode was about Jasmine preparing for her appointment and what pathway she picked, how she was feeling about it. And we did a bit of prep work around camouflaging and prompting and what the psychiatrist was actually going to do. Then we followed up again for the second episode, which I have called Denied a Diagnosis, which is pretty obvious as to why.

And Jasmine didn’t have the best experience. Do you want to give us a minute overview as to how that went before we come into how you are now?

Jasmine Meek:

So I went with a GP referral to a psychiatrist, one that was available. It started out as like only a two month wait, which seemed extremely promising and exciting, very keen to go to my appointment.

But I had underprepared in that I misunderstood the ADHD diagnostic criteria about childhood, that significant impairments must have been present in childhood. I kind of went in naively thinking that she was going to try and figure it out with me, do a bit of brainstorming and we would figure out where these symptoms were that I hadn’t seen. But that didn’t happen.

Basically, she was very kind and understanding of my struggle, but said, look, without childhood symptoms significantly negatively impairing your function, then I can’t give you your diagnosis. So I came away extremely deflated, extremely down. And because I was in such a dark place, I didn’t know what I was going to do.

We chatted the following day for that episode. I was ready to go and get some new antidepressants or something from the GP because I was like, well, something’s got to give. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

And then you inspired me to try a different psychiatrist. So that next step then was doing an online telehealth psychiatrist appointment and I got in really quick and spent a lot of money.

Jane McFadden:

Yeah, I did get a bit on my high horse. I did get pretty frustrated. I tried to edit out a lot of it, but I also had raging PMS, which I didn’t think of. Now I know not to interview people with raging PMS because a topic like that, and I can’t edit out my rage because it’s so intense.

I mean, we connected afterwards. We had a lot of texts back and forth. My thought pattern was, well, how long will it take to get you back into the psychiatrist? Because now you need to come up with these childhood symptoms.

You need to get a letter. How long is that going to actually take? Because if you’ve got another two months, to be honest, I didn’t think you had another two months. You seemed pretty rock bottom-y to me.

And that was why I referred you to an online psychiatrist because I was like, well, look, you’re going to get in in two weeks. Because you were considering going back to a GP because you were like, I can’t cope. Maybe I should just take an anti-anxiety at that point, which was concerning to me because obviously I don’t have medical training.

I’m not a doctor or a psychiatrist, but I have seen a lot of ladies before begin to take something. And then that means they have to get off that before they go back on a stimulant. So I suppose that was my fear for you, that you would open a can of worms medically with a medication, not knowing if it’s going to work or not, and then have to then get back off that, deal with the withdrawals to then get on a stimulant.

So I was a little bit more forceful than I would normally be. But I also, I think we also talked as well about how much money it was costing you because you’re in your own business. And yes, an online psychiatrist is more expensive, but will you make that money back by getting on the right medication? So why don’t you step us through how you felt after I kind of coached you, but I think it was an aggressive coaching style that I had about what to do next.

Jasmine Meek:

You know what, like you gave me a little bit of hope that I had completely lost. I was coming up with all sorts of ideas as to how to survive without spending oodles of money because the psychiatrist that I was originally referred to that I went to was like the cheapest that I’ve heard of in Brisbane. It was only say about $250 or something for the first appointment with a hundred and something back from Medicare.

I was scared to go back to her, because I was worried that she would just turn me away again and go, you know, even if I brainstormed, figured some things out, worked out where I was masking as a child, all that kind of thing, I was worried that then I would go to her and she’d say, still not enough. And it’s like every couple of hundred dollars is, you know, money down the drain. And then I would have to start over.

So that was kind of one of the options that I was playing with. And I was like, oh, but what if she just turns me away again? What if she’s just convinced? No, sorry, you’re not severe enough to warrant a diagnosis. Once I talked to you, I got back a little bit of hope and it was really good information about the medication that messes with the stimulant drugs.

So what I did then was I went to my GP and I told her the whole story and she is just the most fantastic GP. Everybody raves about her and she’s always booked out the mums groups, the mums forums online that say, you know, who has a nice GP and we all recommend her and she’s always booked out. But she was completely understanding.

And so I said, look, A, I think I’m going to need a new referral to a new psychiatrist so that I can start fresh so that I know I’m not going to walk away with the exact same result. And B, I said, I want to go back on the anxiety medication that I was on because it was a low dose. And I said, but I absolutely have to make sure that it is compatible with all of the ADHD medications.

I don’t want anything ruled out, but I know that I need for the next however long it takes, if it might take a few months, might be more. I don’t know, but I know I need something to help me cope. So that was good.

So she checked that one that I was on and it’s perfectly compatible. So I went straight back on that and it’s kind of, it takes the edge off a little bit and it just allowed me to, okay, I can do this. And then you’re right.

I got into my, the psychiatrist, that telehealth psychiatrist. I got in within, I think it was like, I think it was two weeks from when I, less than two weeks from when I made the payment. So you have to pay upfront.

So the process of getting all of the forms and yeah, getting the money organized and all of that kind of thing that took me a few weeks. Like it took a while because I, you know, all those tiny little administration tasks take me extra long, but once I’d made the payment, then the appointment was offered to me with, yeah, inside of two weeks. And that was for my initial consult.

So yeah, that was, that was quick. And once I had that consult, I, it stopped, I stopped feeling, I wasn’t feeling as excited like the first time, because the first time I was just like, wow, this is a done deal. This’ll be great.

This is going to sort out my life. And then the second time it was, I was far more nervous because it was like, okay, now I have a lot of money riding on this. So that initial consult $700 with 240, I’ve written it down 246 back on Medicare.

So I was like, I’ve got a lot of money riding on this one, but the good thing was I was so nervous that I was extra prepared. And because it was telehealth, it was super easy. First appointment could have my husband come in and talk about me, which was weird.

And I had a letter written from my mum as well, all in preparation. So I was much more prepared the second time.

Jane McFadden:

Oh, perfect. So did you, do you feel that you presented a bit more textbook the second time, because you’d kind of gone through your camouflaging and your masking, and you talked to your mum. Did you feel like you presented a bit more textbooks? I thought you were a bit more black and white in your answer.

Jasmine Meek:

Yeah. Yeah. So the second time it was like, after everything I’d been through, I was 100% sure that, um, like I was 100% sure that I needed, um, the ADHD medication. And so, yeah, I went in ready to just tell that psychiatrist exactly what, like what they needed to hear in their language too.

And I had, I had gone through then the diagnostic, the DSM, the Diagnostic Statistical Manual Mental Disorders. I’d gone through that and the diagnostic criteria with a fine tooth comb with my mum. And really like we did our best, um, mum is undiagnosed ADHD as well.

So yeah, so we went in, I went in a lot more prepared and I had talked to my mum ad nauseum about it. And, um, yeah, definitely, um, a confidence helps because yeah, if they ask you a question that might be a bit ambiguous, it’s like, okay, I can answer this a couple of different ways, but I’m going to answer this as straightforward and like, um, yeah, straightforward as I can.

Jane McFadden:

And what was the response back from the psychiatrist to this different way of presenting it, or I suppose being more, um, researched?

Jasmine Meek:

Um, so it was interesting because that first psychiatrist had said she believes ADHD, just like autism is a spectrum disorder. She felt that I was, she was like, yeah, you’re definitely somewhere on the spectrum, but it, it wasn’t enough to cover the criteria for her to diagnose me.

And then, so then the telehealth psychiatrist, it was interesting because she said she used the word borderline. So she gave me the diagnosis, but she said, you are what I call a borderline ADHD patient.

She said, and, and the reason she was telling me that was because she said her board, like what she calls her board, not borderline, like borderline personality disorder, borderline, like, you know, yeah, you’re on the cusp kind of thing. And she, the reason she was saying that was because she said her borderline patients, her borderline ADHD patients, um, she said she really finds they, they don’t, the medication isn’t a magic pill for them. They have to combine it with the, um, executive functioning, coaching and psychology work and stuff, the getting those habits in place.

Um, she said for more, for extreme ADHD cases, she says that the, the, um, the medication can be like a magic pill. It will turn their life around, but she, so she was very worried that I was wanting a one pill fix. And I think she got worried about that because she got that impression from my husband mostly, because he came in and was like, you know, whatever happens, this has to change.

We are not coping. She needs help. And so he was a bit like that.

And I was kind of like, yeah, I was a bit like, oh, thanks. And, and I know he was just trying to do what I was doing, which was be very frank, very straightforward. And, um, but it was a bit strange sitting there next to him, him basically being like, this woman is off her rocker.

But he didn’t say those words, but yeah, that was confronting. And so then when she, yeah. So then she says, yeah, you, you are not, this is not going to be a magic fix.

Your life isn’t going to turn around. So you have to be engaged with a psychologist before I will prescribe the medication. So, um, yeah, so she, she needed the letter from my mom.

So she had to have that kind of physical proof. So that was interesting because I have talked to plenty of women diagnosed in adulthood who do not like, as long as they remembered their childhood and remembered the struggles, that was fine. There was no kind of proof needed, but I guess because I was what this psychiatrist considered a borderline ADHD patient, she needed something, um, kind of hard copy to have in her hand to be able to, she said, I don’t know who she calls the PBS like, and says, Oh, I’m about to prescribe.

Jane McFadden:

It’s a controlled substance.

Jasmine Meek:

Yeah. So she, I think she felt like she needed to have her ducks in a row so that if there was any questions she could show some evidence.

So she had to have a copy of the letter from my mom, not just our memories. Um, I had to be engaged with a psychologist and I had to have a whole bunch of blood tests and a heart. Um, yes, it was a CTG, um, before she would prescribe.

So yeah. And then it was very strange. I left that appointment not elated and excited.

Like I thought I would be because of her use of the word borderline and because of what had happened up to that point. So I was kind of like immediately, um, I was down again. I was going to get the medication, this feeling like two psychiatrists had said, you have a little bit of ADHD.

It was so invalidating and deflating. Um, and you know, I jumped on one of the, one of my WhatsApp groups with a whole bunch of other ADHD women and kind of said how I was feeling. And they were all, um, they were all, you know, pissed off on my behalf, basically that the psychiatrist had used a word and a description like that, because they said, if you, if you qualify for the medication, then you are diagnosed with ADHD.

You can’t have a little bit of ADHD. You either have it or you don’t. Um, and you know, and, and so that was reassuring from them, but yeah, it was an, it was a yucky feeling because of how hard I was struggling, how much I was struggling.

And then to be told it was like, it was, it was almost like that reaffirming our biggest fear, all ADHD women’s biggest fear is that this, I’m just not good enough at life, you know, that, and, and that that’s what kind of that word borderline just sunk into me, into my gut. And, and it was like, yeah, you’re only a little bit ADHD, but you’re just really bad at life. So that felt pretty awful.

Jane McFadden:

But, um, I do have a burning question for you, Jess.

Jasmine Meek:

Yes, go for it.

Jane McFadden:

Because you’ve had, you’ve had a shitty run. Can we just acknowledge that? Right. But what I’m really confused about, and I just can’t stop thinking about is the first psychiatrist that you went to in person. I thought she said to you that you had presenting, and as an adult, you had quite significant ADHD, that you had glaringly obvious symptoms.

You were clearly struggling and she believed that you had it, but she couldn’t prescribe because you didn’t have enough childhood evidence. That’s what I thought she said. How have you gone into the second appointment more prepared and then being diagnosed with this borderline concept, which I’ve never heard of before? How does that work?

Jasmine Meek:

Yeah, I think, and, and yeah, that was, that was kind of what upset me. It was like, yeah, exactly. It was like, I’m, I’m more prepared. I’m more specific about my childhood and I still am only considered a little bit on the, on the ADHD spectrum.

Jane McFadden:

I don’t mean to be awful, but in her mind, what was she trying to give you? Antidepressants for depression? Was she trying to diagnose you with something else?

Jasmine Meek:

No.

Jane McFadden:

Or was she like, oh, I don’t know. Just go and work on your marriage with a psychologist.

Jasmine Meek:

Yeah, no, I think it was like, I think it’s just that, I guess my symptoms in childhood still weren’t severe. Basically all the way up till 17, there was still nothing severe. There were no, there were no trips to the principal’s office.

There was no major social issues with like not having any friends, that kind of thing. Like, so my childhood stuff was being bossy and controlling and annoying the shit out of people I hung out with. But it didn’t stop people wanting to hang out with me, which was funny.

So it’s like, you know, so what else did I say? It’s like we, because, because I was so good at school and I loved school, we, my mum and I, in the letter that she wrote, we focused on home life and just how, you know, what I was like as a child and how it affected my siblings and that kind of thing. And yeah, and it just still, I guess I can only assume to know what is in the psychiatrist’s heads, but they weren’t severe enough symptoms or the effects of them weren’t severe enough in childhood to make it a like textbook case. But yeah, that first psychiatrist had said, I’ve never seen so many inattentive symptoms on, in someone who doesn’t also have them in childhood, like obviously in childhood, but like we’ve talked about, I know that the DSM will be updated soon because they will figure out that the DSM was restrictive and missing a whole bunch of girls and women.

Jane McFadden:

So. Well, they are rewriting that at the moment. They are.

Jasmine Meek:

To clarify, they are. Yeah, they are. And I think you’ve had a particularly awful time of it.

Jane McFadden:

Let’s just talk about gender for a bit, right? I won’t go into the difference between girls and boys and how, you know, the girls are perfectionistic and they have high anxiety at school and they get it done anyway and the boys just forget and then they’re picked up. Okay. We know that.

But if we look at us as we grow into women and boys grow into men. So let’s say a boy moves out of home. Oh, it’s all fun and games. They can’t take care of themselves. They’re in a boy house. Ew, look at their bathroom. They live with guys. And then they eventually date for long enough that they live with a woman who then kind of has to like teach them, show them, prompt them, help them to look after themselves.

And I’m talking very stereotypical, you know, relationship between a man and a woman. So I’m aware of that as well. But let’s just take one example for a moment. Whilst a female, and this is true for me, I moved out of home, not many skills.

I continued on with my messy bedroom. I didn’t know how to clean a bathroom. I didn’t know how to cook for myself. I didn’t know how to plan any meals and make lunch before I left to go places. And I was just like a complete shit fight. And I was classed as that by my family and friends.

Like, oh my god, look, Jane’s got no idea where she is again. That kind of thing, which went on until I hit 30. And I was still, before I had kids of my own, struggling to maintain any kind of house, just being in a relationship.

Then you stuck on top one kid, two kids, three kids, two businesses. You’ve bought a house. You are stacking on, stacking on, stacking on the requirements to stress the demands.

And the requirements by society for us to be looking good, feeling good, going to the gym, getting it all, being it all. Whereas the guy, what does he have to cope with really? And I know this is probably a bit out there, but okay, they’re in the share house in their 20s. It’s all fun and games. They’re guys, they’re disgusting, whatever, laugh, laugh. Then they hook up with a female who then either has to scaffold them or the two of them are shit fights together. But the blame is more on the woman or the woman prompts them and looks after them.

The childcare, where does that go? All of the demands, all of their lunch boxes and all of the stuff that you need goes over to the woman. They maintain a job that’s high stress possibly, but they don’t have the competing demands and the multitasking that women have. In my mind, I believe it’s cumulative for women.

I think you can go through childhood relatively unscathed, possibly, if you’re very intelligent, you can get things quickly, you’ve got high levels of anxiety and you’ve got good scaffolding from your parents. Maybe you can get through with internal stress only, or maybe an antidepressant at some point through. But for men, it’s a different journey.

And I think for them, it’s not as cumulative. And I think you and I are similar in that I would say mine is cumulative and you’ve only, not only, I don’t want to say that as a minimiser, but you’ve hit breakdown or rock bottom, two kids in with your own business, multiple degrees, successful career. It’s in my mind, cumulative.

Sorry to get on my high horse, but what is your thoughts around that?

Jasmine Meek:

Yeah, I agree. In my psychology degree, whenever we did developmental psychology, they always talked about protective factors. What are protective factors against blah? What makes a child less likely to be diagnosed to do X, Y, Z? And as I was kind of sitting there with mum, we were talking about my childhood and I just, I had all of the protective factors.

I had a stable home that physically never moved house, never moved schools, a very strong community, church community. So full of like-minded people, mum and dad’s friends. It was like get together regularly, Sunday morning mass every weekend.

I think I moved out of home. I did a first year at a, like an on-campus college. And that’s where things started to just spiral.

And then after that year moved into a share house and that is when I know anxiety absolutely peaked. I tried to control my environment. I tried to, yeah, I tried to be this perfect little, like essentially I was trying to be this perfect little housewife because I had a boyfriend who I lived with in the share house and yeah, take care of him and make sure, yeah, that the house was all perfect.

And I tried to grow up very, very quick and yeah, and everything fell and everything just went to shit and was pretty shitty for a few years. And then just kind of like everything stayed shitty and life happened and it was then, yeah. And then I guess my life just moved very fast for the whole of adulthood because that’s the kind of thing I do.

So that’s one of my ADHD things is just like hyper-focus on something and then onto the next thing, hyper-focus on that and onto the next thing. Needing change, needing to move, needing to go overseas for a year, all of that kind of thing. Layered with anxiety and yeah, so by the time I had two kids, you’re right, the list of how many things I had accumulated was just too much and yeah.

But breaking point, I mean really, if I’d known anything about ADHD, this diagnosis and this kind of like hitting the low point and all of that, it could have happened at any point in the last 10 years. It was super lucky, I guess, that I finally figured it out and finally learned about it because yeah, if I hadn’t have been working with new mothers and worked with a particular new mother that said that she had ADHD and I was like, but you and I are exactly the same, then I could have gone another 10 years with just thinking why does my life keep blowing up and yeah, why is it so hard?

Jane McFadden:

The other thing that I think is interesting to highlight is someone said to me the other day about how there’s so many children that are getting medicated these days and no one was medicated 30, 40 years ago and why is it different now and you hear all that and I actually turned around and said to them, you know that we live in a different world.

When I was at school, I remember it being really easy. I remember primary school being so boring and so easy but I look at the work that my daughter’s doing now and I’m like, she’s about two years ahead of where I was at that age because everything is moving quicker. There’s so much more stress. There’s so much more requirements on the kids at school and I think stress is a pressure cooker for ADHD.

So I think yeah, if I didn’t have any demands on me, I probably wouldn’t have as many symptoms. If my kids could just run around and do nature play all day and learn something for an hour in a day, they’d probably be fine. So I think the society is changing and when I talked to the pediatrician the other day about Gigi, she said yeah, I understand what you’re saying that no one really wants to medicate and we were talking about medication.

She’s like but do you want your child to live in today’s society and I was like yeah, she has to. What am I going to do? She has to live in this world that we’re in and she’s like well, she’s not coping in the world that we’re in. The world that you were in at that age is different. We need to talk about today and I was like that’s actually a great point because I think motherhood 40 years ago was different too. Now we’ve got so many more stress.

You know, it’s not even just work versus not work because I was a stay-at-home mum for the first two and a half years and then I returned to study part-time and then I was still only part-time studying, stay-at-home mum. My daughter was in only one day of family daycare at that point and it’s only slowly kind of built up from there but those two years were absolutely horrifyingly hard and it is not necessarily a case of just that we’ve added more to our load like for example full-time work or studying, things like that. It’s more nuanced.

We don’t re-wear things. Because we have washing machines, we own more clothes. My mother would have had like when she was a child, she would have had one going out outfit and that would have been what she wore to every single mass, every fancy, you know, whatever awards night or whatever it was, that would have been one. And the other thing was kids wore like those smocks around the house so that they kept clean.

Because mothers were say hand-washing or using a ringer washing machine, they were just forced to be a little bit more diligent about not getting their kids’ clothes dirty, right? And so if you think about that example and then multiply that by all of the different so-called convenience appliances we have and so-called things that make our life easier like we have internet banking. Why does Life Admin take up all our time when we literally don’t even have to go to a bank anymore but we all have five bank accounts whereas a family would have had one bank account back even just my parents like they would have had one combined bank account and that would be it. Money went in there and then out of there and I just think there’s so many layers to today’s Western society that make it far more complicated on our brains and it’s far more complicated than on our kid brains.

Jasmine Meek:

Oh, look, I completely agree with you and I think it’s probably controversial but I do believe that stress magnifies it and I do think it’s cumulatively particularly for women and for mothers. And there’s been periods of my life where I suppose my symptoms haven’t mattered and I’m air quoting that for everybody who’s listening because it’s like if you don’t have kids like what does it matter if you forget your kids or you don’t get your dinner ready or what does it matter if you forgot to get your washing out of the washing machine and then it went feral and you had to rewash it. If there’s no child waiting there for their uniform, what does it matter? So that’s just my take on it.

But look, Jasmine, I do want to continue moving forward because I don’t want to go down a rabbit hole too much with you. What did you get prescribed and how has that worked out for you because we do need to talk about that.

Jasmine Meek:

Yeah, this is the exciting stuff. So I got prescribed the dexamphetamine, the short acting, so aspen dexamphetamine, five milligrams to take three times a day. I usually only take it twice because I take it at a random time every morning because at the moment I don’t have like a strict schedule and the kids have been on school holidays and so it’s not like I felt the need to kind of wake up and immediately take my first dose. So sometimes I’ll be having my morning coffee and it’ll be eight o’clock and I’ll go, oh yeah, and I’ll take it.

And then often I exit. So it’s meant to be kind of four hourly, but often I’ll accidentally let it go that extra hour. So then by the time I take my second dose, that third dose would be too late in the day and might mess with my sleep.

So at the moment with these like schedule free days of the summer holidays, I’ve really only been taking two doses a day. But yeah, so the effects that it has had, this was unexpected for me. The biggest, most noticeable and best thing that I have added this medication is the emotional regulation.

I know that I have been called emotional my whole life. I wouldn’t have described me as like fiery, but there had been times when my moods and emotions have been like one of the hardest things in my life at different points in time. But the irony is like, I used to always say like I’m the emotional intelligent, emotionally intelligent one out of my husband and I. And so now I’m on this medication and it’s essentially for me like a mood stabilizer.

And I am like, oh, oh, I did not realize that the most pronounced symptom of my ADHD was emotional regulation issues. In my current life with two kids, the easiest example is my daughter is very drama. So I think she has ADHD. It’s getting clearer and clearer. And this 2024 is the year to get her diagnosed. But like me, it hasn’t been clear because she’s not just typically hyperactive. She’s not just typically inattentive, but her big thing has been emotional regulation.

And we had seen an OT and a psychiatrist for her, just one appointment each and kind of had a dud experience both times and was struggling to kind of help her when I could barely help myself. But they put it down to just like, yeah, emotional stuff and attachment issues. And anyway, it’s becoming clearer.

But my point is with her, like it, she, yeah, her emotional regulation is, is, is shocking. She is six years old. It’s my little boy’s third birthday today. We did a little, we kind of given him a two-part birthday because today he was at family daycare. So, so yesterday he got presented with his big kind of Hot Wheels set up thing that I got scored from Marketplace like his second hand.

And so in my mind, it’s like not that big a deal, but of course to my daughter, she doesn’t know I got a second hand from Marketplace. She just sees the size of this thing. And we’re recording, videoing his morning, like presentation where he’s just sweet and bleary-eyed and sees it and is like so excited.

And she’s in the background, just you know, and it’s like in those moments, every time I, I, I, my brain goes, why didn’t you predict this? Why didn’t you predict this? But there’s this like, you know, optimism that everything will be fine anyway. And then today he got a few little things because of course, it’s his real birthday. And again, videoing the morning, the moment, that was just a badge, just a birthday boy badge for him to wear to family daycare.

And in the background of the video, that’s just sobbing and you know, so that is the kind of thing we deal with daily. Now, pre-medication could not cope. I would immediately match her. I, depending where, you know, how I was at emotionally, we would be head to head and I would be matching her and I’d be then filled with shame afterwards. Like, I can’t believe I matched my, my, you know, then five-year-old, like I should be better than that. Like I’m the adult, what the heck?

And other times it would build, like I’d be thinking in my head, I’m, I’m regulating, I’m staying calm, I’m staying calm. But in reality, I was probably building, building, building, building. And then I would snap and I’d do something awful. Like the, the, my worst, one of my worst one, one of my worst ones that I actually tell people about because I just feel like so many women feel so much deep shame.

And I just want them to know that they’re not alone is like a couple of years ago, brushing my daughter’s hair. And, and she was harrying on and, and look, she probably has that sensory overload that some kids do. So not only is it awful to get your hair brushed because it, the knots hurt, but I think it, it hits her harder and then she cannot control her reaction.

And so I’m trying my best to brush her hair and she is screaming and everything. And then I’m escalating and she’s escalating and it gets to the point. And then I yank and I pull her hair on purpose and I try to pretend it was actually an accident.

And she knows, and she looks at me with just the most like horrified look. And I am just like, Oh my God, I’m the worst mother ever. And so then, and it doesn’t end here.

This is how, this is how it’s ridiculous. I embrace her and I’m crying and I say, I’m so sorry. I just, I just need to brush your hair.

I’m sorry. I should never pull your hair. And in that moment, I guess I just really wanted her to go, I understand, but she didn’t.

And she said something crappy and I pulled her hair again as I’m cuddling and comforting her. Like I have read gentle parenting books for Pete’s sake. And here I am yanking on my probably like three and a half year old daughter’s hair.

What is that? So those were the kind of moments that happened all, all through the last six years where, you know, I think I was just suppressing, suppressing, like do the right thing, be the conscious parent, you’re okay. And then I would scream. And it was like, once she was say, I don’t know, four or five, probably five.

It was probably only a year ago. Like when I let the first couple of like accidental swear words out and you know, and I would apologize and I would say, we should never swear and all of that. But it was like, I kind of like let myself off the hook for it.

And then it was like the floodgates were open and then I could no longer control the accidental, you know, for F’s sake, like just put your shoes on that kind of thing. So it was just like this, it just, it felt like a monster in me. It felt like there was a monster inside that just kept rearing its ugly head.

And it was like, this isn’t me. And I don’t understand. I don’t understand.

Jane McFadden:

You know what? I so have to commend you for giving that example because there’s not a lot of people that will give examples, you know, they’ll talk about snapping, but they’re not giving the example. And I think we’ve all been there.

Jasmine Meek:

That has just all gone. All of it. On medication. My first kind of couple of first, was really actually my first week on the meds happened to be a week where the whole family was sick.

So I think what happened is like, I took my first dose on the Friday and then we were all sick on the Saturday. So it was like the whole first week I was always like, I don’t know how these meds are, if these meds are working because we are sick in bed, the kids are home. Like this is not a really good controlled trial.

Right. But on day six, I snapped and raised my voice at my daughter and it was just something small. And it was like, I pulled myself up really quick.

Like it wasn’t extreme like that, like pulling air. It was kind of like, just get your shoes on. And I was like, and I seamed it down real quick.

And then it occurred to me that that was six days of being stuck inside at home. Cause I think it was raining as well inside at home with two sick kids and a sick husband. And on the sixth day was the first time I snapped and yelled.

And I was like, that’s like normal people. That’s normal people level. Anyone would snap and yell on day six of being stuck inside with a whole sick family and being sick themselves. And then I, and that’s when I was like, oh, they’re working. The meds are working. That’s awesome.

Jane McFadden:

I’m really pumped for you.

Jasmine Meek:

Because I would have been yelling every day prior to the meds. And then we got better, like, you know, no longer sick and everything. And I just tantrums at the shops and me just staying calm, but genuine calm, not suppressing just like, yeah, look, I know. And being able to make a decision in that moment on what the best thing to do is.

All right. Do we need to wrap this shop up? And do we need to go? And can I get these things later? Just simple things like that, that clear vision in my brain of what needs to happen. That hadn’t existed in my whole of motherhood. I would have, you know, like it’s, it’s like that we talked about the prioritizing was just a concept I couldn’t get.

I don’t know what’s more important. I don’t know what the right thing to do is in this scenario. Should we leave? How will I get the rest of the shopping? I couldn’t compute.

So I’d probably usually have pushed through, been yelling at my kids and been absolutely like mortified, then walking out of the shops, hoping no one I know saw me. And now it’s like, I can stay calm. I can make the decision about what’s best for the kids and what needs to happen.

Like, it’s just, yeah, it’s absolutely amazing. It’s just the huge change. And the thing is like, I’ve been saying to a friend, like, I don’t know if anything’s changed for me in the way of like focus and organization, stuff like that.

And she was like, didn’t just tell me that you have organized your sports cupboard, um, that you have labeled everything that you have done X, Y, Z. And I was like, yeah, but like, I always used to kind of hyper-focus on that kind of thing anyway. Like that’s, that I feel like that’s the kind of thing I would have done. And then I realized, yes, I would have hyper-focused on saying like, I’m going to sort this cupboard.

I’m going to take everything out and I’m going to put everything back in, but I never got it right. It was never a sustainable fix because I was always a little bit too clouded as to like, what’s, what’s important, what should go in here? I don’t know. And I would, that’s why I would end up redoing it every few months.

And I did the shed the other day and just having the clarity of thought of like the Christmas stuff needs to go at the back because I don’t need it till next year, not on the shelves at the back. And it was like, huh, there’s those little moments that are easier and clearer in the way of focus and organization on the meds. I’m making better decisions.

Um, but the biggest thing is the mood and then having that mood stabilized and a clear mind. So I haven’t mentioned even just like the anxiety, the constant talk, the self-criticism that is just gone when I’m on the medication, it’s just magical to be in a brain that isn’t essentially hating itself constantly. And so then it’s like there’s processing space.

So then there’s free space. So even if, even if this medication was actually not doing anything for my focus, what it is doing, like, even if that scenario is, was true, what it’s doing is allowing that, like the anxiety, the self-talk, the million miles an hour brain, the self-berating and the mood, it’s taking that off the table. And I can think clearer about all the rest.

I can think clearer about what, what do I need to do? What do I really want to do? How should I make this thing work? And coming up with step by step, because I’ve got a clear brain, I’m still me. So I still have the idea to organize the sports cupboard at like 20 minutes in. It’s like, this is the most important thing to me in the world.

I love this so much, but it’s that like ability to think rationally when shit hits the fan and someone needs me, I am able to break away. Whereas I, yeah, I couldn’t before. And I, and I can, I can break away without irritation.

And I can do what’s needed. And I think it’s like my brain knows, A, it can kind of, it understands importance and layers of importance now. So it’s like, this is not as important as getting that snack for your child.

Go get the snack. Yes, it’s annoying. They ask for it, but go get it, feed them. But also maybe like, it’s like this innate trust or a knowledge that I will come back to this and I will finish it. And so leaving it now will not mean it’s forever left undone because on the medication, I am able to actually come back to things. Yeah.

It’s, it’s, I’m not chasing dopamine. I’m not chasing constantly. Yeah. Like I still love to organize the cupboard, but it’s not about organizing the cupboard now and I need to finish it before I feel good. It’s, I’m organizing the cupboard and it’s going to be nicely organized. Oh, I have to go do that.

Okay. They’ll do that. I’m going back to the cupboard now and I’m going to fix, finish it. And, and then I feel good when it’s done. But yeah, it’s like, it’s a bit like, yeah, like you say with the chasing dopamine, it’s like, I’m not an addict, so I can’t say this for sure, but I imagine it relates a little. I mean, I know that ADHD often is like kind of that comorbidity with addictions and it makes sense because it reminds me of, of, of addiction, you know, in just what I’ve seen on movies, that kind of like, yeah, that irrational kind of obsession with something right then and there, rather than it just being a task, it’s just a task.

This isn’t your life. This will not change your life either. Like, you know, you will have an organized cupboard at the end. That is all. You don’t need to like come down now from that. Whereas before like, yeah, just everything was more emotionally layered and it’s nice for it not to be.

Definitely. So one thing that has occurred is because I’ve had this like processing space, another thing that’s changed is just me being far more in tune to what’s happening like in my body and hormones. It’s like, it’s, it’s like the medication has cleared the dust and now I’m experiencing what I’ve seen like women health coaches and naturopaths and things like that online talking about like, when they talk about the menstrual phase that you’re in and the luteal phase and this phase, and you’ll be feeling this kind of emotion and these, and I was, it was always like, I couldn’t completely relate.

I couldn’t tap in because everything always seemed chaotic and wild. And like, you know, there was no, I couldn’t find the rhyme or reason apart from just getting grumpy and PMSing. That was the only thing.

Anyway, it was really interesting the other day. Like I had been in this kind of really easy, nice at home phase of just enjoying the home life, um, enjoying doing all my organizing and stuff like that. And they scheduled three days and I was just loving it.

And nothing in the outside world was, um, really coming into me for a few days. And then one day I woke up and I’m just lying in bed and it was meant to be my sleep in day, but I couldn’t sleep because it was like a, a switch had been flipped in my brain and just trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle in all of my like actual to do like the, hey, you need to now start back like working and advertising, marketing your business. You need to get back on social media.

Um, remember how you haven’t done your tax yet. You need to do your tax. So it was all these like big serious issues and they just all came flooding in.

And I said to my husband, I was like, Oh, I can’t sleep. I said, this is, I said, can you just go get like, you know, he was not going to get my coffee until I was actually out. But I was like, no, can you get my coffee now? I can’t sleep. It’s 6am, but I am just suddenly thinking about all of the things I’m meant to be doing.

Anyway, I got up out of bed, went to the toilet. I got my period like right then and there. And I was like, Whoa, Whoa, that is the first time I have noticed something. So immediately, like my brain and my hormones aligned so immediately. I’ve never noticed anything like that before because my brain was always going a hundred miles an hour.

So I wouldn’t that I’ve figured all of this out. I’m so grateful that, you know, I found you so grateful that I got the meds because I just feel like, Oh my gosh. Yeah.

All these major problems are not going to be problems anymore. And there might be, there’ll always be issues and life will always be hard and kids will always be hard. But the most important thing to me has now been like a solution.

I have a solution.

Jane McFadden:

Wow. What a great result. I can’t even imagine. Thanks so much for coming in, Jasmine. What a ride as per usual.

I’ve just loved that episode. Well done. If someone’s clicked on this episode, I think that will be for a reason. So I really hope that we can positively impact as many women as possible. If we even just get someone thinking about really reassessing their life and what they’re doing, then that that’s a great start.

If anyone has a review, I would love to hear my preferences, Apple podcasts and Spotify. It just helps everyone find the podcast. So more people can listen. Then it brings it up higher when people do ADHD, especially if they live in Australia.

So if you do have a chance and you did like the episode, please pop me in a review. That would really mean a lot. Thank you so much.