Episode 65 – School Pick-Up Can Be Draining! How to Stop Overthinking & Save Your Social Energy

Jane McFadden:
I have read so many Facebook comments in the Facebook group from women who feel like other people have said to them, hey, I didn’t realize that you were such a nice person. When I first met you, I thought you were really snobby. If the school pickup makes you consider faking a broken leg or hiding behind the steering wheel of your car, a guide to navigating the school pickup for ADHD mums is the right resource for you.

You’ll learn why your resting overwhelmed face is so misunderstood and how to stop other parents from thinking that you just don’t like them. You’ll receive tools that you can actually use. For example, quick exits that won’t make you feel like you’re fleeing the scene of a crime. You’ll receive tips to manage the art of light small talk whilst waiting those three painful moments for your child.

Even if you’ve been at your school for years and you feel like you’ve already made so many mistakes, you’ve got established relationships, you can learn from this guide. Download your guide at adhdmums.com.au and all of the links will be in the show notes.

Hello and welcome back to ADHD Mums. Today we have a great episode on the social minefield of the school pickup. This is about decoding playground dynamics.

Oh my god, I’m excited. So many people have asked me for this. We are going into a topic that seems really simple on the surface, but it’s actually really complicated for neurodivergent mums and that is school pickup.

This everyday ritual that neurotypical people seem to do easily or even, I mean, surprise, surprise, actually enjoy, can be a social minefield. It can also be filled with unspoken dynamics, small talk and some super awkward moments. If you’ve ever sat in the car rehearsing what to say, you skipped the pickup entirely to avoid the stress, you are overwhelmed, this episode is for you.

Now this isn’t about surviving small talk, it’s about mastering it in a way that aligns with your strength and protects your energy. We are going to explore the social ecosystem of the school pickup, practical strategies for building meaningful connection and how to navigate rejection sensitivity without doom spiraling. So this episode is for mums who are navigating the challenges of the school pickup.

If you are neurodivergent yourself, if you’re parenting a neurodivergent child or you’re just looking for a way to make the interactions less overwhelming, this is for you. Now this can be really confusing this content. I wanted to start with about when we’re masking and when we’re not.

So a lot of us have heard, and I’ve spoken on this podcast, that masking can lead to burnout. And masking isn’t really what we’re supposed to be doing. Yes, that’s true.

Because embracing authenticity and dropping that mask that you’ve been putting out to the neurotypical world is a big part of unlearning the habits. And this is about the habits that have drained us before we knew that we were neurodivergent. But masking isn’t just bad.

It is a tool. Masking is like any tool. It depends on how and when you use it.

The key is choice. If you are masking to advocate for your child in a high-stakes meeting, you’re in a P&C committee discussion, you’re at work, and you’re making that choice to mask up in that particular interaction, and you are learning how to do that, I think that’s absolutely fine.

Unmasking everywhere that you go is probably, one, going to be really difficult, and two, maybe not appropriate, depending on your personality. I don’t think I should be unmasked wherever I go. That would be a complete dog’s breakfast. But there is an element of masking, but it depends on how often you put it on and whether it’s a choice.

Putting a mask on 60 hours a week to work in an office in a job that you do not like would lead to burnout, depending on how big the gap is. And when I’m talking about the gap, the masking burnout gap is more around if your personality is, let’s say, a 1, and you’re forcing yourself a 10, and you’re doing it all the time, that would be really difficult. If you are taking your mask from your personality, which is, let’s say, a 1, and you’re just going to a 2 or a 3, so you’re maybe being a little bit more upbeat, you’re saying a few things that you wouldn’t normally say, you’re smiling a little bit more, and you feel like you can sustain that for longer, and you’re making that choice, that is a completely different thing.

By putting on a small mask that’s not that dissimilar from your personality and doing it as a choice, now and again, particularly in interactions that involve advocating for your child or something that’s really important to you, I think is okay. But that is a personal decision. Some people do not want to mask again because they feel like they’ve been doing it for 40 years, they’re over it, and that is completely understandable too.

But using masking intentionally as a way to kind of smooth out the edges of a socially complex situation or to align communication with your goals, I think is okay. But if it’s a situation that doesn’t really matter, so for example, random small talk moment on a playground with a person you’ll never see again, a mum of a child that’s not in your class or is about to graduate grade 6 or that school or move classes, you may drop the mask entirely or not engage in discussions in that moment. You don’t need to drain your energy for moments that don’t really contribute meaningfully to your life or your child’s experience.

The reason I say that is because if you have limited energy, and if you have ADHD, you will have limited social energy. You do not want to, and I’m air quoting, waste that energy on somebody that you’ll never see again. You may need to keep that energy for your child’s best friend parent, for the inclusion teacher, for the PMC committee manager or principal, those important people.

So it’s about knowing when to mask and how much to mask. This isn’t about portraying your authentic self, but it can be about empowering yourself with flexibility you engage based on what you need from that interaction. And it’s a great model to have for your children as well.

Some of the challenges that we face around the pick-up is around social overload. There’s a very unstructured nature of pick-up that can feel overwhelming. There could be multiple conversations, you don’t know where to stand, you’re feeling really, really out of place.

There might be a playground hierarchy, there might be unspoken norms, expectations, and you just don’t actually understand what is going on with these. It can be confusing with rejection sensitivity as well. A quick wave from somebody instead of a hello can make you feel like, oh, did I do something wrong? They spoke to me yesterday.

You don’t know how it works. There can be the energy depletion from small talk. Now this can be harmless to some, but it can really drain your social battery.

This can leave you with very little energy. You can feel like that after work. If you’ve been masking at work, you’ve been exhausted, you’ve haven’t had lunch, you’ve gone too hard, and then you have to go to pick up, you may have nothing left from that social battery.

First up, we need to understand the social ecosystem of the school pick-up. So this isn’t just a social space. Now let’s just call a spade a spade.

Neurotypical communication thrives on small talk. They love it. It is a ritual for them and they really enjoy it.

I actually find it really difficult to understand. And in the workbook that I’ve created, which is Surviving School Pick-up, a Guide for ADHD Mums, I actually go through how neurotypical communication works, why they do it, and like it’s so confusing. I find small talk to be tedious, pointless, but we want to reframe it.

So think of small talk as like a trust signal. It might be a way that you establish rapport, which could later have meaningful interaction. So you may choose to engage in small talk with your child’s best friend parent, and you may have to reframe it like, I’m getting to know this person.

This conversation is probably going to be meaningless to me. I don’t care about the weather. I don’t care about what they’re doing in the holidays.

I am exhausted. I don’t care about their child’s hockey game and how that went. However, you may need to reframe it that I’m getting to know my child’s best friend parent, and that’s how they seem to do things.

So I create purpose for the why. Now, I wouldn’t engage in small talk in a conversation with someone I wouldn’t see again, or is it important to me? I would hold that energy because I can not do it for very long with those people that are really important. For example, the inclusion teacher or the inclusion head, if they say to me, how was your school holidays? I will do some small talk with them, but I will have to save that energy.

If I have used all that energy on the school canteen lady that I will never see again because she’s retiring, and done a small talk with her, I’m going to be pulling teeth and I’ll avoid the inclusion head. So what we need to do is think about how much energy we have, how long we can do it for, and where to best use the energy. You also might want to have a look at playground dynamics.

Influential parents, the PNC committee president, the inclusion heads, who are the people that you really need to use your energy with? You might need to have a look at who’s around. Try and figure out what that structure is if you don’t already. So you might want to have a look at the rule of relevance.

Not every parent needs to be your friend. You might want to look at social energy on parents who are key to your child’s life, or individuals who are in the roles that are significant. You might notice that if you have neurodivergent children, they like to be friends with other neurodivergent children.

It will just be what it will be. You will be drawn together like magnets. So if you find yourself just really enjoying a conversation with someone, they may be neurodivergent.

I would not let them know that they might be neurodivergent in case they may not know. If there is a child that looks like they may be ADHD to you, it’s a really tricky one. Generally, I would say as a rule, I would not mention it.

But you can drop things about ADHD like, oh, sometimes I struggle to remember things, whatever it is, and just see what they say. They may share that with you, they may not. But having parents with shared values can be really important.

Like for example, if you have boys that are a little bit more rough and tumble, you may find other children that are neurodivergent are good friends for them because they may be a little similar. And that can be really important because you can get that acceptance from other mothers. So for example, if you go to someone’s house for a play date, and you know that your children are probably going to pull everything out from all the bookcases, and you know that at the end, you’re going to try and pack it all up, but it’s going to be a bit difficult.

You might find that that parent actually really gets that, and their children might do the same thing. So it can be that really lovely, shared, nonjudgmental attitude, or they may parent similarly. They may find, for example, I mean, if you say something to them like, it’s so difficult to get my child to eat dinner because they want to walk around, they may say, oh yeah, we just do a picnic now.

And that can be really validating to hear another mum have a similar experience. One of the things that I find that can be really challenging is managing a neurotypical communication challenge, and then a neurodivergent communication style. So for example, these can be really different.

And it can be called the double empathy rule, where you’re both communicating in different languages, almost, and there’s no one language that’s the best. And for a long time, neurotypical people have held up, this is how we communicate, and why aren’t you communicating the same way to neurodivergent people? That’s happened for a long time. But I think neurodivergent people are really starting to say, well, actually, neither of them are right and wrong, but their communication style is differently.

But we do know that there’s more neurotypical people. So often, that does kind of take precedence. So for example, neurotypical communication can often rely on implied meaning, and I find implied meaning so confusing.

For example, if someone says it’s been a long week, they may be signalling that they don’t actually want to commit to plans, rather than seeking empathy. So they may be saying it’s been a long week and signalling that they don’t want to commit to going out for lunch after soccer, which you always do. But they don’t actually say that.

So you’re having to pick up this implied meaning, whereas two neurodivergent people might just say to each other, I don’t want to go for lunch after soccer. I know we always do. I’m just too exhausted.

And the other neurodivergent person goes, okay. But neurotypical people sometimes can say things like they didn’t pick up the social cue, it’s been a long week, expecting that the neurodivergent person might say, oh, do you not want to go out for lunch after soccer tomorrow? And then the neurotypical person says no. That might be a neurotypical way of speaking in that they’ve said the implied meaning, the other person has picked up on it and offered for them not to do that.

But that doesn’t always happen with neurodivergent people. And for me, I find that really confusing. It’s like, why say it’s been a long week? Why not just say, I don’t want to go for lunch after soccer? That would be much more straightforward.

It’s interpreting that indirect communication that can be really tricky. I’ve had to intellectually learn this, decode it, and then I put it into the workbook because I do not naturally understand this stuff. And then I come off rude when I walk up to somebody and go, so is Samantha coming to the birthday party? Rather than saying, how was your weekend? How’s the weather? And then asking the question.

I just know that I won’t remember. And so then I say, is Samantha coming to the birthday party? And skipping all that part that’s like the lead up, the small talk lead up to asking the question. So it can come off rude.

But I’m also really aware that I have two boys that can be really disruptive. So if I’m in a situation, I might only have two minutes. So even if I actually have 10, because the boys don’t do that, I assume I have none.

I’m so used to cutting to the chase because I don’t have any time. And I don’t mean to excuse it. I’m just trying to explain that often neurotypical people speak in this implied meaning, which I do not understand.

But I have planned this out and intellectually learnt it to explain how a neurotypical person might say something, what we don’t understand. And then how what we don’t do that then can come off rude. And so if I think I’m talking to a neurotypical person, I try and be aware of what their implied meaning could be and ask them categorically, oh, do you mean that you don’t want to have lunch after soccer tomorrow? And they say, oh yeah, is that okay? And I mean, in my mind, I’m thinking, why didn’t you say that? But for neurotypical people, if it’s an important relationship, like with your child’s best parent, or an inclusion person, or the head of the PNC, or somebody that’s important to you, let’s say even someone at work, this can be used for work as well.

If it’s a boss, someone that works for you, what are the implied meaning? What is it that they’re not saying? If they’re saying something and you don’t know why, it might be indirect communication. They might have implied meaning and you’re just not picking it up. There’s nothing wrong with clarifying.

So you can also create a mental checklist for the indirect communication. And I have this in my workbook. So for example, what is the setting? What could they be hinting at? Does their tone suggest hesitation, frustration? What is it that they might be saying and how to clarify? Are you saying you might prefer not to come to lunch after soccer? I’m happy if that’s the case.

So it can be really tricky when you’re neurodivergent to try and figure out what a neurotypical person might mean and what they’re expecting you to say. And if you’re just thinking to yourself, this is really frustrating. I shouldn’t have to do this.

Why can’t neurotypical people connect with me in the way that I talk? I agree with you. Hands down, I agree with you. But what my problem is when I wrote this guide was I thought, if I write about finding a neurodivergent mum, connecting only with that person, what we are doing is we are not including neurotypical people when we expect inclusion.

What we as neurodivergent mums need to do, I think, is to connect in with neurotypical people in their way of communicating and then start to educate them about how we communicate. I don’t know why they fill in all these gaps with all these other words. I think they could learn how to go deeper quicker and how to skip some of the small talk.

I think that there is some direct communication skills that neurotypical people can learn from us. But we have to meet in the middle, right? We can’t just demand that neurotypical people communicate our way. So there is a meeting in the middle that has to happen.

And you know what? We are so empathic to other people, especially mums. It sucks it’s up to us to educate and help the neurotypical people communicate. But that may be the way that we have to do it.

RSD. We know that RSD can make even very minor social setbacks feel super overwhelming. In the school pickup setting, it might look like interpreting a really brief response as rejection or overthinking it.

So for example, you might think, I had a really good chat with that mum yesterday. I’m feeling really social. I’ve gone over.

But she’s been distracted. She’s been with a child. She’s just done a wave.

Maybe I offended her. Because remember, of course, as neurodivergent mums, we’re used to having accidentally offended somebody. We may feel like it’s all our fault.

And we may start to get triggered with RSD, which is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, if you know what that is. So this workbook is about reframing that. It isn’t about me.

It’s about them. Their behaviour reflects their day, not my worth. So remember as well, if I’ve had a really good chat with somebody, I have fluctuating motivation, I have fluctuating capacity.

So I may avoid them the next day, because I’m like really tired. And I know that I have to be up for this great chat. And I just don’t have the energy.

So the guide really talks to you about how to manage that situation so you don’t come off looking snobby, for example. Building emotional resilience might be setting realistic expectations for social interactions. We may not aim for a deep connection every time.

We may focus on leaving the interactions feeling neutral or slightly positive. We might look at setting rules around listening and speaking to make sure the conversation is balanced. Because there’s always that risk of oversharing and then worrying about it for hours and hours and hours later, which I know we’ve all doom spiraled before.

So we know that navigating a school pickup as a neurodivergent mum is so much more than a chore. It’s about an opportunity to build connection, to build resilience and to advocate for yourself. But remember you’re in control.

You may choose to engage fully. You may set boundaries. You may skip the pickup.

It’s so up to you. The choice is yours. But this is about flexibility.

It’s about building in the opportunity. So instead of going, I don’t know how to do it. I come off snobby.

I come off like this. I don’t know why. I don’t know what to say.

It’s too hard. You have the skills, but you can choose whether to turn it on or off. You may say to yourself, I don’t have to do it all, but I can decide how and where I show up.

And that’s power. Because if a neurotypical person cannot communicate with neurodiverse people, then that is sad for them. They are missing out.

If we as neurodivergent people cannot communicate with neurotypical people, we are missing out. So we need to start to decode the dynamics. We can foster meaningful connections with neurotypical people and neurodivergent.

We can also manage our energy. This is not about surviving. This is about showing our children that we can do it and being resilient.

I avoided the pickup for years. And I get it. It’s so tempting to sit in the car, but sometimes you and your children can really miss out.

And so this is about giving you insight, encouragement, and showing you that you can do things differently if you choose. This podcast has also been really successful in having those validating discussions that you may not have in your friends. You may not have neurodivergent friends that you are able to have these chats with.

And if you don’t, this podcast can sit in that gap, but I want to empower you to have the discussions yourself. You can do it. Those neurodivergent mums are out there.

And you can build relationships with neurotypical friends. So let’s empower the pickup experience. Now my guide for the school pickups that is available on my website, it’s $30, is 80 pages long.

Now I have written an entire guide myself. The reason I’ve written that is because I just see so many questions around it and so much confusion around what to do, what to say in this really weird species, the neurotypicals and how they operate. And the fact that a lot of the time as neurodivergent women, we don’t even know what we’ve done wrong.

We’re like, we just asked you if you were coming to lunch and now they’ve gone a bit cold. But then they said that they had had a bit weak. What did they mean? We missed all those cues.

If you would like, I have templated so many scripts. I have got a spreadsheet for different types of mum at pickup and who to talk to, when, what to do, how to get out of situations, what happens if you’ve already offended people. It’s all there.

If you would like to download it, I’m really proud of it. And it also talks about the challenging balance of authenticity versus social expectations. And this episode is like a very small snapshot of that book.

If you love this episode, you can one download the guide or you can share this episode with another mum who might be navigating similar challenges. Or you can join the ADHD Mums Facebook group, which is available on the show notes. There’s tips, stories and supports from other mums who get it in there.

So this isn’t about just showing up. It’s about showing up in a way that’s right for you. You are in control.

You can choose to engage deeply or not. You can choose when and how. You can skip the pickup.

The choice is yours. Take it one step at a time. Every smile, every wave and every effort counts.

You are not alone in this journey and you’ve got this. Thanks for listening and see you next time. The key message here is you are not alone.

Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, follow us on Instagram or head over and join our amazing ADHD Mums podcast Facebook community. Everything you do matters and helps to spread the word about what neurodiversity in females looks like.