The Truth About Time-Outs and What to Try Instead with Gen Muir
If you’ve ever sat under a table comforting a sobbing child while someone nearby mutters, ‘They just need to be tougher…’ — this episode is for you.
In this powerful and practical conversation, Jane sits down with parenting educator Gen Muir to unpack one of the most misunderstood tools in parenting — the time-out.
From the science of regulation to the emotional safety our kids need (especially when they’re neurodivergent), Gen breaks down why isolating a struggling child often backfires — and what to do instead. You’ll learn how to stay connected and stay in charge without shame, threats, or guilt.
This is not about being ‘gentle’ or ‘soft.’ It’s about being firm and kind — helping your child feel safe, seen, and supported while setting boundaries that actually work.
Key Takeaways from Today’s Episode:
What we cover in this episode:
- Why time-outs don’t work for any child — and especially not for ADHD or autistic kids
- What’s really happening in your child’s brain when they’re dysregulated
- How to replace isolation with connection through ‘time-ins’
- What to do when hitting, kicking, or throwing starts
- How to stay calm and lead with authority without losing empathy
- The difference between punishment and teaching emotional skills
- Repairing after you’ve yelled or snapped — and why ‘I’m sorry’ matters
- How to use the ’emotional climb’ to spot meltdowns before they explode
- A real-life example of handling sibling meltdowns (and chickens ) with structure and connection
- Why modeling apology and repair builds long-term emotional safety
This episode is for you if:
- You’ve tried time-outs, threats, or ultimatums — and they just don’t work
- You’re tired of being the ‘soft parent’ or clashing with a stricter partner
- You’re raising neurodivergent kids and want to parent without shame or isolation
- You want strategies that feel aligned with your values and actually work in real life
- You’re craving calmer evenings, fewer power struggles, and more connection
Transcript:
Jane McFadden:
Have you ever been to a family event and you’ve been sitting down on the ground with your child who’s crying under the table, and a relative wonders out loud why you’re not just being tougher? Maybe you’re trying to explain ADHD to a teacher, or maybe your partner just thinks it’s all screen time and doesn’t even believe in ADHD.
Enter A Child’s Diagnosis: A Mum’s Guide to Support and Helping Others Get It. Now, this guide is here to save you from those endless justifications and give you a break from being the ADHD explainer in every room you enter.
Here’s what’s inside: how to talk to professionals (because forgetting all of your points and remembering them in the shower later isn’t really the vibe that you need in an appointment), how to handle sceptical relatives, being armed with responses that are factual, firm, and just the right amount of smile and nod.
Support for your child because navigating a world built for neurotypicals and Uncle Bob’s “back in the day” speech really just doesn’t help. There are also practical strategies for school and home that work in real life.
This guide isn’t just about managing a diagnosis—it’s about making sure your child feels seen, supported, and unconditionally loved, while you stay calm—or at least look like you’re calm.
Grab your copy now at adhdmums.com.au. It’s far less awkward than telling your mother-in-law to stop calling ADHD a phase.
All right, let’s get into today’s episode. Hello and welcome to the ADHD Mums podcast. I have not done a guest interview in, I reckon, about three months—and who better to kick it off than Gen Muir.
How are you, Gen?
Gen Muir:
So good, yes. Now, I always like to comment on the arrival. I arrived 10 minutes late, and then you’ve had a bit of a morning.
It’s funny because I did this little Insta story post feeling so smug last night—like, “Here are my top threes for organisation and going back to school.” And I was talking about visuals for kids, name labels—especially when kids are potentially neurodivergent and you know you’re going to lose 15 hats this year.
And then my third thing was: get a really clear policy around your screens and tech. And I gave some tools and felt so smug. Then this morning, I’ve got a 10-to-6, the fridge is beeping, the dogs have had diarrhoea and pooed on every rug. Every single rug!
So I just thought, okay, that’s it. I’m going to go to the gym, get a coffee, and then I’ll tackle it.
We had to fully divide and conquer to get three kids out the door—one’s first day at a new school, one is five, the older two are teenagers looking at me like, “Oh my God, you’re wasting our oxygen on planet Earth.”
But we did it. Despite the best-laid plans, the spanners just get thrown when you least expect them.
Jane McFadden:
Yeah, and you’ve got to be consistent too. You can know all about visual aids and screen time, but the second you take your finger off the pulse, it all goes to chaos.
Then you redirect and go, “Okay, screens have slipped. We need a family meeting.”
I’ve always got a visual screen policy on the fridge—one for holidays, one for term time. We write out the rules, keep it simple, and talk about it as a family.
Gen Muir:
That’s so good. We use a few tools. We’ve bought this thing called a “brick” that turns your phone into a grid—it’s amazing.
You tap your phone against the brick, and then if you try to open Instagram, a message pops up saying, “This is a distraction.” You can’t just override it easily like the iPhone blocks. You’d have to go to the fridge and unbrick your phone—the walk of shame!
It’s really helping me. I brick my phone for that crazy 5-to-7 p.m. dinner and homework window.
And honestly, having ADHD medication in my system for two years now has made me more consistent with schedules and organisation—something I couldn’t do before.
Jane McFadden:
That’s so interesting. I like to bring on guests to talk about things I don’t know enough about. A big topic in our house is timeouts.
I love your content online and in the Facebook group, and people often ask if you have neurodivergent experience.
Gen Muir:
Yes, there’s definitely neurodivergence in my family, but I keep the details private because it’s my kids’ story. I work a lot with big feelings and tricky behaviour—the hard parts of parenting.
As a result, I’ve wound up working with thousands of parents, most of whom have kids who are neurodivergent or somewhere in that grey area.
Jane McFadden:
Let’s talk about timeouts then. In our house, my husband is more traditional, and I’m the soft one. He thinks timeouts teach consequences. But I don’t think they work, especially with one of our kids who gets quite angry.
Gen Muir:
Timeouts don’t work for any kid, especially under six, but really not for older ones either.
When a child is struggling, they’re already dysregulated. Sending them away—removing connection and safety—increases cortisol and makes it worse.
We’re asking them to regulate when they’ve just shown us they can’t. It’s like saying, “Calm down,” when they’ve already lost it.
Jane McFadden:
So if it’s not teaching consequences, what do we do instead?
Gen Muir:
Exactly. If a child hits, it’s not because they want to be bad—it’s because they lack the skills to manage the emotion.
Timeouts don’t teach those skills. Instead, I’d say: “I can’t let you hit. I’m going to move you over here.” You’re setting a limit but staying connected.
It’s firm but kind.
If we constantly isolate them when they’re struggling, they learn: “When I’m not okay, my parent leaves me.” That’s the opposite of what we want them to internalise.
Jane McFadden:
Yeah, that makes sense. It’s hard though, especially when your partner’s approach is different.
Gen Muir:
Most couples are opposites—one firm, one kind. The goal is to balance both.
If we’re too firm, we look mean. If we’re too kind, we look weak. Kids need both safety and structure.
And it’s okay to tag-team—if you’re running low on firmness, your partner can take over, and vice versa.
Jane McFadden:
That’s so helpful. Okay, I’ve got a tricky one.
We have chickens, and my kids fight every afternoon over whose turn it is to put them away. It gets physical. My daughter worries the others aren’t doing it right—she feels like their mum.
Gen Muir:
Yes, that’s about anxiety and control, not the chickens! You need a family meeting. Talk about how it’s not working for anyone, make clear rules, and validate her worry.
Say, “I know you care about them deeply. I’m going to take responsibility for making sure they’re cared for properly.”
Plan for what happens when it escalates—if there’s hitting or yelling, the person goes inside for a time in. You’re not punishing; you’re containing.
Consistency for a few days will reset it.
Jane McFadden:
That’s brilliant. I can see what I’ve missed—actually planning with her and getting her to trust me to oversee it.
Gen Muir:
Exactly. Once she feels you’ve got it, her nervous system will settle. You’re taking on the mental load she’s been carrying.
Jane McFadden:
Okay, final question. How do we handle aggressive behaviour like hitting or kicking without isolating them?
Gen Muir:
When a child is aggressive, they’re terrified inside. They need containment, not punishment.
You might physically block the hit, hold them in a firm bear hug if needed, and say, “I can’t let you hit. You’re safe. I’m here.”
It’s not gentle parenting—it’s strong parenting with compassion. You’re saying, “I’ve got you.”
That physical safety allows emotional regulation to return.
Jane McFadden:
That’s powerful. My youngest is very sensory seeking—always tapping me, but hits my husband. It’s constant.
Gen Muir:
That’s an emotional climb. The tapping is a 2 out of 10—an early sign of dysregulation.
If you ignore it, it escalates. So when you see it, step in: “I can see your body’s not calm. Let’s go outside and do something active.”
At that low level, you can still redirect. Once they hit a 10, it’s too late—you just contain and co-regulate.
Jane McFadden:
Yes! That’s exactly him. I see it coming but never know what to do.
Gen Muir:
Now you know—you’re spotting the climb and helping early.
Our kids don’t want to lose control. The tapping is their body saying, “Help me.”
Jane McFadden:
Thank you, Gen. That was so quick and valuable. I’ll let you know how we go with the chickens!
Gen Muir:
Please do! And if anyone’s listening, check out my book Little People, Big Feelings, and my course Smoother Siblings in Seven Days.
It’s just one 7-minute video and a printable each day—it’s designed for busy parents.
Jane McFadden:
Perfect for ADHD mums! And if you want to hear more from Gen, check out Beyond the Chaos with Amy Gerard—it’s hilarious and insightful.
Gen, thank you so much.
Gen Muir:
My pleasure. Thanks for having me.
Jane McFadden:
The key message here: you are not alone.
Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, follow us on Instagram or join our ADHD Mums Podcast Facebook community. Everything you do matters.
