Episode 72 – Understanding the Risks – Neurodivergent Children, Social Safety, and Grooming [Part 1] with Kristi McVee

Jane McFadden:

 Have you ever been to a family event and you’ve been sitting down on the ground with your child who’s crying under the table, and a relative wonders out loud why you’re not just being tougher? Maybe you’re trying to explain ADHD to a teacher, or maybe your partner just thinks it’s all screen time and doesn’t even believe in ADHD.

Enter A Child’s Diagnosis: A Mum’s Guide to Support and Helping Others Get It. This guide is here to save you from those endless justifications and give you a break from being the ADHD explainer in every room you enter.

Here’s what’s inside: how to talk to professionals, because forgetting all your points and remembering them later in the shower isn’t the vibe you need in an appointment. How to handle sceptical relatives—being armed with responses that are factual, firm, and delivered with just the right amount of smile and nod.

Support for your child, because navigating a world built for neurotypicals and Uncle Bob’s “back in my day” speeches really doesn’t help. Plus, practical strategies for school and home that work in real life.

This guide isn’t just about managing a diagnosis—it’s about making sure your child feels seen, supported, and unconditionally loved while you stay calm, or at least look like you’re calm. Grab your copy now at adhdmums.com.au. It’s far less awkward than telling your mother-in-law to stop calling ADHD a phase.

All right, let’s get into today’s episode.

Trigger warning: the content in this episode will be disturbing. It features topics of child sex safety and child sexual abuse. If you have any background or could be triggered in any way, please click out and listen to a different episode.

This is a trigger warning for anyone suffering from PTSD or who would prefer not to hear content about child sex safety.

Hello and welcome to the next episode of ADHD Mums. Today we have Kristi McVee with us. How are you, Kristi?

Kristi McVee:
I’m great, thank you.

Jane McFadden:
Now, I’m pretty confident that I have COVID. We’ve just come back from school holidays and I’ve got less than two weeks before a fairly major surgery. I’ve just got my voice back today, and I’m a little bit husky, but I feel okay. I want to push through because I’m so excited about this topic.

Kristi, I’m desperate to know—because I’m going to link everything in the show notes—what your background is and how you came to do what you do now.

Kristi McVee:
Thank you. Your 2IC is amazing for pointing me in your direction—I’ve started following you too and think you do an amazing job. I could have used your work years ago with my daughter.

I was a West Australian police officer for 10 years. I joined when my daughter was only two. I’d seen an ad in the local paper saying they wanted more female police officers—she was nine months old at the time—and I thought, “Yeah, I can do that.” Everyone laughed, but I said, “Watch me.”

So, I became a police officer. Within my first week on the road, I attended my first child abuse case as a first responder. That moment really set me on a path.

Within a year, I volunteered for specialist training to become a child interviewer. That meant interviewing children who had been sexually abused and taking their evidence for court. It’s a highly specialised role because children are vulnerable—they want to please adults, and they must be questioned in a certain way.

After completing that training, I interviewed children weekly—hundreds over nine years.

Four years in, I decided I didn’t want to hand those cases over anymore; I wanted to be the one locking up the offenders. I became a detective, working in serious crime and later joined the child abuse squad.

Toward the end of my career, I moved to a regional area because of my daughter—she has ADHD and struggled socially—so I thought a smaller community might help. There, I was interviewing children, investigating cases, arresting offenders, and managing released child sex offenders.

But after 10 years, the bureaucracy and the lack of meaningful action wore me down. I developed PTSD from what I’d seen and heard.

My daughter, who was nearly 12, said to me, “Mum, I don’t recognise you anymore. I don’t want you to do this job.” So the next day, I resigned—10 years and one day after I joined.

That was in January 2020, just before COVID. During recovery, I kept thinking: Why don’t people know what I know? I saw the same patterns—families didn’t recognise the red flags.

I started writing and eventually published Operation Kids Safe: A Detective’s Guide to Child Abuse Prevention in August 2022. Not everyone reads books, so I began sharing online. And that’s what I do now—educate parents to protect their kids.

Jane McFadden:
Wow. That’s an incredible background—and to do all that with a small child!

This podcast has evolved a lot, so I’m not going to dive into why neurodivergent kids are more likely to be targeted. We know why: impulse control, social naivety, trauma, family instability—all the factors.

Let’s move straight into grooming. I went through your content, and it really highlighted how little I actually knew. So, what’s your definition of grooming, and what does it look like in practice?

Kristi McVee:
The simplest definition is preparing a child for abuse.

It happens in stages, depending on the relationship. Around 90% of child sexual abuse is committed by someone the child knows. Half of those are family members. Thirty to fifty percent of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by another child.

One in three girls and one in five boys in Australia will be sexually abused before 18. The latest Australian Child Maltreatment Study found that 28.5% of adult Australians—nearly one in three—were abused as children.

So, grooming usually starts with finding a victim—someone vulnerable, someone who will respond to attention. Then comes love bombing: giving gifts, making the child feel special, isolating them from their parents or safe adults, and manipulating both sides so the child trusts the abuser more than anyone else.

Jane McFadden:
I’m fascinated—and horrified. I think what makes me vulnerable is that I can’t imagine who would do that. Can you give examples of the types of people who typically groom children?

Kristi McVee:
That’s the hardest part—because it can be anyone.

A study found one in six Australian men identified as being attracted to children or teens, and one in ten said they would offend if they knew they wouldn’t get caught.

Not all offenders are pedophiles. Some do it out of control and power. There are three main categories:

1. Predatory (Pedophilic): Attracted solely to children—often boys.

2. Opportunistic: Attracted to adults and children; often relatives or family friends.

3. Situational: No attraction to children but offend out of opportunity or stress—like losing a job or relationship.

And that old “stranger danger” message did us harm. It made people believe danger comes from outside, but 90% of abuse happens at home or with trusted people.

Jane McFadden:
That’s so confronting. I feel genuinely disturbed. Okay—let’s go further.

We know neurodivergent children can be more susceptible. What traits make them easier targets?

Kristi McVee:
Predators look for children without strong connections—kids who are isolated, have family tension, separated parents, trouble with friendships, or are LGBTQIA+. Young children are the biggest targets—over half of girls who are abused experience it before age five.

Neurodivergent kids often tick multiple vulnerability boxes, but building one safe, trusting connection can make a huge difference.

Jane McFadden:
I think the biggest misconception is, “That wouldn’t happen to my child.” Would you agree?

Kristi McVee:
Yes, 100%. That belief is dangerous.

Statistics show it happens everywhere. And here’s the worst part—only one in three adults believe a child when they disclose abuse.

A 2019 study asked sex offenders what stopped them. Eighty-four percent said the child’s refusal or disclosure stopped it. Sixteen percent said a protective parent stopped it.

That’s huge. It means we can’t protect them every moment—but we can teach them to protect themselves.

Jane McFadden:
That’s incredibly powerful. You mentioned body awareness—helping children understand what “unsafe” feels like?

Kristi McVee:
Yes. Teach them their early warning signs—how their body feels when something’s wrong.

With my daughter, I’d ask, “How does your body feel?” When I felt unsafe, I’d model it: “My stomach hurts, my hands are sweaty.”

We teach them the continuum—unsafe, risking on purpose, fun to be scared, and safe. It helps them recognise those feelings and know when to seek help.

Jane McFadden:
That’s brilliant. But if we don’t know our child is neurodivergent, we might accidentally train them to ignore their body—like “those shoes are fine” or “just eat the food.” Then they don’t learn to trust themselves.

Kristi McVee:
Exactly. I didn’t know my daughter was neurodivergent either, but I taught her body safety from two years old.

It’s not about perfection—it’s about repair. If you ignore their feelings in the moment, talk later and say, “I should’ve listened.” Reinforcing that trust is what matters.

Jane McFadden:
Are there specific phrases or behavioural changes that suggest a child is being groomed?

Kristi McVee:
Yes—sudden behaviour changes, either positive or negative. A once-disruptive child may become overly compliant, or an easy-going child might become angry or withdrawn.

They might avoid certain people or places, regress (like bedwetting), or develop physical symptoms like UTIs.

Abusers often threaten them: “No one will believe you,” “Your parents will get in trouble,” or “I’ll hurt your pet.”

Behaviour is communication. If something changes suddenly, it’s worth paying attention.

Jane McFadden:
What should parents do if they suspect grooming—and what should they not do?

Kristi McVee:
Stay calm. Children only disclose if they feel safe.

Don’t confront or explode. Get them into a safe space—away from the suspected person—and just be with them. Sit beside them, not face-to-face.

If you’ve ever said, “If anyone ever touches you, I’ll kill them,” they might hide things to protect you. React gently and listen.

When my daughter first saw porn at ten, she came to me. Inside, I panicked—but I said, “I’m not mad,” excused myself, went to the bathroom, and calmed down before responding. How we respond determines whether they’ll ever come to us again.

Jane McFadden:
You mentioned earlier that kids might “test” parents. What do you mean by that?

Kristi McVee:
They might drop small, hypothetical comments—“What would you do if…?”—to see how we react.

If we overreact, they’ll stay silent. If we’re calm, they’ll open up.

And if you do overreact, repair it later: “I wish I hadn’t said that. I’m trying to stay calm.”

We’re all human. What matters most is that they know you’re their safe person.

Jane McFadden:
Wow. That was such a powerful statement. Thank you so much, Kristi.

Next week, we’ll continue with practical strategies—body safety, what to do, and how to teach it. I wanted this to be two parts so people don’t miss that crucial second half.

Thank you so much for your time.

Kristi McVee:
You’re welcome. The key message is—you are not alone.

Jane McFadden:
Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, follow us on Instagram or join our ADHD Mums podcast Facebook community. Everything you do helps spread the word about what neurodiversity in females looks like.