Episode 73 -Making the Invisible Mental Load Visible: How to Share the Load Without the Stress [Part 3]

Jane McFadden:

If you are a hyperactive ADHD mum, you don’t need any accountability. You already have a slave driver and it’s you. So what we need is to strip it back, make it more simple and remove the guilt and the perfectionism and get back to what’s important.

First up, my personal values clarification exercise. This will stop you doing the same thing over and over and wondering why you didn’t get a different result. It is quick, it is simple, it is ready to implement straight away.

The next part is the essential de-stress planner for hyperactive mums. You can pick these up, put these down, start any time. It won’t guilt trip you if you forget that it exists for a week. Use it to brain dump the chaos, prioritise like a boss and stop pretending that you’ll just remember everything in your head.

One of the things I got sick of was reflecting at the end of the day and thinking of all the things that were really important to me that I didn’t do. These resources are 100% fluff-free and made for the ADHD mum life. They’re cheaper than therapy and far more satisfying than yelling at your microwave for ruining your fourth attempt at reheating coffee.

This isn’t about perfection. You need something that works with your life, not against you. Grab your copy now at adhdmums.com.au and all of the links will be in the show notes.

Hello and welcome to ADHD Mums. Today we have the follow-up to the episode which was a gendered load of routine and responsibility, why the imbalance exists and why we don’t say anything. This is part three of the part three miniseries around mental load.

Now this episode today is resentment in neurodivergent relationships, tools and strategies to build balance and connection in your relationship. There can be issues around the mental load, who is doing what, and basically in a partnership both of you can feel completely burnt out and spent.

If you are parenting neurodivergent children, you probably both are exhausted and it’s so easy to look at the other person and go you’re not doing enough. If you had done this differently, that wouldn’t have happened. But often both of you are running on empty.

Now if you’re somebody that would love to share this episode with a partner, absolutely go for it. I’m going to record this in a way that I’m hoping it will be a way of educating and building understanding for partners and a way of bridging that gap if the neurodivergent mum is struggling to communicate some of these concepts. If you’re a partner listening, thank you for being here.

This is always for the ADHD mum, but I want to make this something that you can share if needed. This is not going to be about blame. This is not going to be pointing fingers. This is going to be about understanding the unique challenges that the ADHD mum faces and this is going to be about finding a way forward for you as a team.

This episode is primarily going to talk about the heterosexual relationship between a male and a female, but of course it could be used interchangeably throughout any gender. I absolutely acknowledge that there are lots of different ways to have relationships. I’m using those terms just for ease of talking.

There are so many studies around divorce and you see the articles or blog posts sometimes from family lawyers who talk about what are the indicators of people that get divorced, and resentment is usually high up there. Resentment is a little bit like cancer in a relationship. It can start small, it builds, and it’s only negative. We definitely want to jump in before resentment builds.

If it has already built, there is a pathway out. Resentment can happen quickly when both parties are exhausted. Parenting neurodivergent children is tough. The divorce rate for parents of neurodivergent children or children with additional needs is higher. It’s not necessarily that one person is doing everything and the other person is doing nothing, but it can feel like the other partner has it easier. That feeling can build slowly under layers of invisible tasks, emotional exhaustion and unmet needs. That’s the breeding ground for resentment.

For neurodivergent mums, it’s not just about who’s doing the dishes or school pickup. It’s about feeling unseen and unsupported while carrying a mental load no one notices. If you’ve felt like this, you’re not alone.

I remember a mum in our Facebook community who shared a really familiar story. She said she was juggling everything—meal prep, school emails, therapies for her youngest, keeping the house running—and one day her partner said, “Why didn’t you get the car serviced?” She froze. She couldn’t believe that on top of everything else, he noticed the one thing she hadn’t done. She admitted she flew off at him and was quite cutting in her response.

From his perspective, he may not have known the full mental load she was under. He might have even meant it helpfully, like “The car hasn’t been serviced, we should get that done.” He could have framed it wrong, but she felt unseen for everything she had done, while he focused on the one thing she hadn’t.

From his side, he might have thought he was being collaborative, reminding her, not assigning her a job. And when she reacted angrily, he might have felt, “I can’t say anything right. I’m walking on eggshells.”

This is a cycle many couples fall into—miscommunication and resentment build because neither understands the other’s perspective.

From the neurodivergent mum’s side, there’s invisible labour overload—therapy schedules, teacher meetings, sensory needs, executive dysfunction, financial stress, endless logistics. Add to that masking, guilt, and perfectionism. It’s a lot.

ADHD mums often live like a duck gliding on water while paddling frantically underneath. They are mentally managing hundreds of tiny tasks and never feeling finished. Many have intrusive internal dialogues—constant self-reminders, guilt, and self-criticism. It’s exhausting.

Partners, especially if they are neurodivergent themselves, may not see this invisible labour or know how to help. When they feel unsure, they may revert to what they know—yard work, maintenance—while the ADHD mum is drowning inside the house. Both think they’re helping, but they’re speaking different languages.

The key here is visibility. Make the invisible visible.

Write down what each person does—daily, weekly, and occasional tasks. This isn’t about dumping or blaming. It’s teamwork. Categorise and show your contributions so everyone can see the full picture.

For example, if you manage insurance once a year, that still counts. If you handle therapies, GP visits, or meal planning, that’s part of your load. Partners often respond better to tangible lists—they just need to see what’s happening.

When you have these conversations, do it when calm—not in the middle of an argument. Use shared tools—calendars, notes, task boards, Google Drive, or a simple weekly check-in. Celebrate wins, even small ones.

ADHD mums often think, “I shouldn’t have to thank my partner.” It’s not about thanks—it’s about acknowledgment. If your partner is trying, noticing that effort helps build teamwork. Think of your family as a sporting team—you’re the coach, they’re the assistant coach. You set the strategy together, and everyone has a role.

When you start writing things down, you’ll also identify what can be outsourced or delegated. Maybe you can budget for help or redistribute tasks according to strengths.

For example, if your partner takes over soccer, don’t list yourself as backup contact. Let them own it completely, even if they do it differently. That’s how shared responsibility builds.

If communicating feels impossible or leads to conflict, it’s okay to get help—a therapist, counsellor, or coach can mediate that first step.

When dividing tasks, play to strengths and sensitivities. If someone hates shopping, do online orders. If someone’s sensory-sensitive, assign tasks that work around that.

And be clear. “Take out the rubbish” might mean different things to different people. Spell it out. “When the bin is half full and smelly, please take it out.” If you want something done in a specific way or timeframe, say so.

Outsource what nobody wants to do if you can afford it. And if not, consider how to creatively shift work hours or budgets to make room for support.

This isn’t about blame or perfection—it’s about awareness, teamwork, and compassion. Sharing the mental load isn’t 50/50; it’s about being on the same team. It’s about noticing what needs to be done, stepping in when you see it, and respecting that invisible work happens on both sides.

Here’s a challenge: pay attention this week. Notice the little things that just magically happen. Talk about what’s been weighing you down. When someone shares, don’t defend—just listen.

If frustration or resentment bubbles up, that’s okay. It means it matters, and it’s worth working through.

At the end of the day, there’s no winner or loser—it’s about making life better for both of you. When the mental load is shared, everyone wins. The house runs smoother, both partners feel supported, and the relationship strengthens.

If this episode hits home, share it with your partner and use it as a starting point. Join the Facebook group and share your experience.

Thank you so much, and see you next time. The key message here is you are not alone.

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