Episode 8 – QUICK RESET: Advocating for Your Child Shouldn’t Break You — But It Often Does

Jane McFadden:

Hello and welcome to ADHD Mums. We are diving into one of the most emotionally charged and mentally exhausting aspects of parenting as an ADHD or neurodivergent mum. Advocating for your child, whether it’s at school, medical settings, government systems, NDIS—advocacy is a marathon, not a sprint.

I see you, you’re up late researching, writing emails that feel like a novel, rehearsing conversations and questioning whether you’ve done enough. Advocacy takes its toll on your time, energy and your emotional reserves. In today’s episode, I’ll help you advocate smarter, not harder.

We’ll explore advanced strategies for building effective plans, managing professional relationships and protecting your energy. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work it takes to get your child what they need, this is for you. However, this is not for situations where safety or severe conflict with professionals is an issue.

That is where you may need specialised support or legal guidance. Now, I remember sitting at a school meeting armed with pages of notes and reports. I’d stayed up till two o’clock in the morning writing out what I wanted to say, but as soon as the meeting started, I just froze.

The principal dismissed my concerns with a quick, ‘We’ll do what we can,’ and I left feeling defeated. It wasn’t until I reframed how I approached advocacy—leading with data and becoming clear about my requests and staying calm despite the tension—that I started to see some progress. Advocating is not easy, but it’s one of the most impactful things we can do for our kids.

I’m going to share some strategies I’ve learnt along the way to help you navigate the challenges with confidence and resilience. There’s five real challenges here that I’ve broken it down to. Number one, systemic complexity. Navigating schools, medical systems, NDIS is just a maze. Each has its own language, rule and expectation.

Two, emotional exhaustion. Constantly fighting for your child’s needs can lead to burnout. You feel unsupported, unheard. Three, rejection sensitivity. Even a small setback, like a teacher brushing you off or a pediatrician brushing you off can feel like a big failure. Four, energy depletion. The sheer mental and emotional load of advocacy just leaves little bandwidth for much else at times.

Five, balancing masking. Deciding when to play the game and when to be yourself can be really exhausting. Now, let’s look at some quick wins with what I’ve learned so far. Number one, have a look at doing a strength-based profile for your child. Highlight what makes your child unique and what traits can be supported. Two, include some data if you can.

Include specifics, test scores, doctor recommendations, examples of successful strategies. If you would really like something to be taken seriously and you have an appointment with a medical professional, get them to write you a letter. Three, speak their language. Each professional sector has its own way of talking. Have a look at what’s important to each medical professional and speak in that language.

For example, if you’re really wanting your child to be prescribed a controlled substance like a stimulant, really put in examples around what specifically your child needs help with that would be helped by a stimulant. You don’t want to talk generally about something different if you are after a specific thing. There is nothing wrong with coming across having researched.

Two, preparation. I really love the idea of doing a pre-appointment summary. What I do is I do a one-page document which includes recent traits or concerns, timelines of things that you’ve tried, specific questions or requests such as a referral to a specialist or a new treatment option. For example, if you are really looking for an OT in regards to toileting issues that your child has got and you know the pediatrician is going to send you to those general group workshops.

Now, this happened to me. I had a child that I just wanted to go see a specialist OT for and I knew it was going to be difficult to get the referral. So what I did was I documented everything else I tried, all of the things that I’d done to skip the part where they give you some simple solves. I just wanted their referrals.

So if you are really looking for a specific referral or intervention, write down what you’ve already tried that you think they might suggest and what worked and didn’t work to make sure that they know that what you were looking for—the referral—is probably one of the only things left. Two, I would start with your main concern.

We are here because we need a specialist referral to work on my child’s toileting. Support it with data. Here is a timeline of symptoms and interventions and all of the reasons why we are developmentally delayed in this area. And end with an actionable request. Can you refer us to an OT that specialises in this?

And if you are going through the public system particularly and you need to be prioritised, make sure you list anything specifically that’s a physical issue. Like I am concerned about bowel impaction at this point. I am concerned about constipation and whether we need to get an ultrasound to check my child’s bowel. That’s how long this is going on for and I really need to seek some help.

If you, in this approach, are facing resistance. So for example, if your GP says, ‘Oh, well, what about you go try this group workshop or try Movocol from the pharmacy,’ and things that you think you’ve tried, you can say, ‘I understand that this may not be your area of expertise. Could you help me please by referring me to somebody who does specialise in this?’ Feel free to directly ask for what you’re looking for in a really calm and assertive way.

Now you might be thinking, wow, this sounds like a lot of work. I’m exhausted. I hate preplanning. This sounds just really painful. You know what? You’re right. It is. There is nothing more draining than having to prepare before an appointment that you don’t have time to do. We really need to look at energy management in this.

Advocacy for your child is not a sprint. I wish it was. It’s a marathon. What can we do about it? Firstly, we can set up a list of your non-negotiables. This will help you focus on what matters most, even if the meeting gets derailed. So you might have just written on your arm or on a notepad or somewhere, ‘All I really need to focus on is getting some additional help or support for my child at lunchtime.’

If everything else doesn’t happen, that’s okay. I just can focus on this one area. Try to strip back the perfectionism and what would be great and just think what would be the key one thing or two things that I really need to get here. This can really help you focus on what matters most, which can mean that you can feel better about it afterwards.

It’s very rare in a school meeting that I’ve walked away really inflated, feeling great. It’s more like, look, I got a couple of things and I think that they’re really the most important. And that can make you feel more positive about it afterwards. You can also have a look at your own calming rituals. For example, you might like to do a short meditation.

You might have a sensory talk. I like to have little mantras. Like I say, ‘I’m prepared. My child’s needs are valid. I am okay.’ If I’m feeling demotivated, I like to say to myself, ‘I’m doing this for my kids and they are important. I’m doing this for my kids because I love them.’ I have to use the energy from my love for my kids because I don’t have my own energy now. Have a look at what you can say to yourself to keep you going.

The other thing is that most of the time in these meetings with a teacher, medical professional, or whoever it is, that nobody will have the same level of urgency, understanding, or care or love for your child except you. This is not that they don’t care. They do. But pediatricians might see six kids a day. Teachers are just so overwhelmed. So if it feels a little business-like, it’s because it is.

It’s their job. And this is their job to look after your child and that’s why you’re there. After the meeting, allow yourself a little bit of time to decompress, okay? So I wouldn’t arrive half-eaten apple without having lunch and allow myself half an hour before I have to run to the next thing. Not a good idea. Give yourself time to decompress because you don’t know what will go on in this meeting or how you’ll feel afterwards.

One of the hardest parts of advocacy is deciding when to be fully authentic and when to mask. For many of us, it feels like a betrayal to be masking after all the work we’ve done. But then you kind of have to mask to be able to navigate a system effectively. So which is it? I think that in a high-stake meeting, I think of it as playing a role to achieve a goal.

I come across as pleasant, friendly. I try to pretend to be relaxed when I think it’s clear I’m not. I ask how their day is. I really try to layer on some of that small talk that’s expected. Sometimes I just want to go straight to the jugular, which is what I want to talk about. But I have to try and ask ‘How are you settling in? What are you enjoying most? Where are you from?’ because that does help build a relationship and that’s what I’m trying to do.

However, you can still stay authentic with ongoing relationships like a child’s teacher or a trusted GP, a new principal. You can unmask as you go to build trust and understanding. You can share how having ADHD or being neurodivergent can influence your perspective, but you can also keep it really strength-based. It’s confusing and exhausting to balance masking and authenticity together. So give yourself a bit of a break.

You’re not abandoning who you are, but you are strategically navigating a system which doesn’t always accommodate differences. So that’s a real choice that you would want to make. I do have a great guide called Navigating Playground Dynamics on my website. That is such a beautiful and long document in depth with scripts on how to build relationships if you are dealing with a neurotypical person that you are trying to build a relationship with—the way that they navigate small talk, the way that neurodivergent mums often don’t, how it can get mismatched—because building a positive relationship with a teacher and a principal at a school is so important for the long-term outcome for your child.

It’s also really important to be evidence-based. I really try and be factual and specific, leading with data. So for example, you can start with facts, a test result, documented need. Last year at school, what worked, what didn’t. And then you can end by humanising it with your child’s personality and experience. Without this support, my child struggles to engage in this particular activity. It really impacts their confidence and their happiness.

By starting with specifics around ‘this really worked, this didn’t,’ with information from last year or the year before, or GP, medical-based psychology letters really strengthens your arguments. If you don’t have any evidence from last year, you can also have a look at bringing a couple of studies. This particular way of visual aiding, this can really help in this way.

Just be aware that as neurodivergent women, I love to be in the education role. However, if I’m dealing with the inclusion head, you also need to be really careful because that’s their place as the inclusion head. But we can help build into what they’re saying, agree, let them be right on at least a few things, even if you don’t like them. This is about your child and their outcome, not about winning. So think about the goal is for you to get a couple of key things through written into the plan.

You can also as well add on what you’re doing at home. You can say we are at the moment, we are working on this goal at home as well. I’m taking my child to psychology, OT. This is what we are doing here. This is what I’m working on at home in this way to make it really a collaborative effort where everyone’s putting in those resources as a team to create a great outcome. And that this is what you are putting in at home. And this is going to be great if they could support you with.

I also love to build allies in the system and hold my energy for these key people if I’ve only got limited energy. And I also really love to be positive. So what I try to do is one, pick my battle. I do not contact about things that aren’t critical because I know I’m going to have critical things coming up. So if I’ve got things I’m uncomfortable about, I try to hold because otherwise when I have something critical, I’ve already sent three emails.

So it’s totally up to you as to how you manage your priorities and what you want to contact about and what you don’t. But I try to, one, email about the most positive things I can find or say positive things when things are going well. And two, hold my emails and my feedback for when things are really important. When I have something that’s really important, I then think to myself later on, ‘Oh, I’m so glad I didn’t contact about that thing that wasn’t as important because now this is the first thing that I have mentioned this term and I know I’m to be taken more seriously.’

You can also advocate for the system, not just for your child. You can see a gap that would affect multiple children. So you could say, this type of small accommodation, is it easier for the teacher if just every child gets a five minute break every hour or whatever it is that’s being talked about?

For example, if your child really needs a movement break or whatever it is, do they just build that into the whole class because there’s so many children that need it? Is it quicker and less on the teacher to not have to get another support person to take one or two children out? Can they not just all have a quick five minute movement break?

Also, if the teacher does go above and beyond, which they usually do, acknowledge their efforts. I really love a handwritten note or email at the end of every term. It’s just about highlighting what they did great and saying thank you. Being acknowledged isn’t something that teachers get all the time these days because they are so overworked and under-resourced.

Advocacy is a two-way street and acknowledging and validating that person’s effort matters. Think about a teacher that comes to you and says, ‘You know what, you do a good job. That stuff that you’re doing at home, all of the work, some of your suggestions, you’re a great mum.’ How far would that go? How much would that help? How much would that motivate you and allow you to really work collaboratively with that teacher?

Nobody wants to feel like a teacher is blaming them or that it’s all the mum’s fault, but that goes two ways. It’s not only the teacher’s role to work on some of these things. Acknowledging their efforts, who they are, and how much under pressure they are goes a long way. Acknowledging the small things they are doing to help is just so important because teachers need the acknowledgement because it isn’t a particularly well-paid profession for what they do and hours and stress.

A lot of them really are running on passion and we do not want the teacher shortage to continue. We don’t want the great passionate teachers leaving because it’s too hard. So let’s motivate the people that are really doing the best they can. Also be clear with partner and friends about what you are doing.

If your partner has no idea what you are doing and all the advocacy in the background, but every couple of months you just blow up about how much you’re doing, they’re going to be so confused because they don’t know. It’s not visible. They don’t see it. You’re not talking about it. But if you want support, you have to let your partner know what’s happening.

Advocating for your child is one of the most meaningful but also exhausting roles you’ll ever take on. Its strategy, persistence, emotional resilience is also deeply rewarding. And when you advocate for change, you benefit your child but also contribute to a broader culture of inclusion and understanding. This is why we want to keep these key people on side.

We want them to see us as being a strong neurodivergent woman advocating for our child in a way that’s really assertive and kind and understanding. It doesn’t have to be a battleground. It can be a small assertive conversation, one step in the right direction for change and that change is a more inclusive environment.

So pick your priorities, build your tools and lean on the community. You can post in the Facebook group in ADHD Mums. I can put the link in the show notes. Keep going because you’re making a difference. If this episode resonated with you, don’t forget to share it with somebody who might need it. Advocacy is hard. We’re stronger together.

Until next time, take care of yourself and keep being the incredible mum that your child needs. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.