Episode 83 – Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity

Jane McFadden:

Hello and welcome to the next episode of ADHD Mums. Today we have an episode called Are you too much or are you just misunderstood? ADHD, RSD and the power of emotional intensity.

Have you ever been called intense? Probably. Have you ever been called too much? Probably. And have you been misunderstood before? I would imagine definitely. Before I was diagnosed, I used to apologize to people when I’d meet them. I used to say, ‘I’m sorry, I know I can be a little bit intense. I’m sorry, I can be a bit much.’ I would actually apologize as a way of meeting somebody, like, ‘Hello, how are you? I’m this person’s mom,’ or ‘I work here.’ Just to let them know that I know I’m a bit intense.

I know that I’m a bit much. And when I look back, I feel really embarrassed and a bit shameful that I would apologize for my personality as a way of greeting. That really has pushed me to do this episode because I just see in the Facebook group, over and over again, people talking in a very similar way. There are even t-shirts now that you can buy that talk about being ‘too much’ or ‘misunderstood’ or ‘intense’ as part of having that female neurodivergent personality.

This episode is really going to talk about the unique challenges that we face in regards to emotional intensity. I really wanted to include rejection sensitivity dysphoria—RSD—because this is going to play a role in self-regulation, emotional management, and boundary setting. We are going to be looking at how we can make emotional intensity work a little bit more for us rather than against us.

Emotional intensity for me has always worked as more of a weakness in the past, but I’m trying at the moment to look at the ways that I can harness emotional intensity in a way that is going to serve me better. So today we are diving into the roller coaster that many people ride—that is, the emotional intensity as an ADHD mom.

For example, if you’ve ever found yourself crying because somebody didn’t wave back, or giving yourself an impromptu pep talk in the mirror because you just snapped at your child and you feel horrible about it, or you spoke harshly to your partner who didn’t deserve it, or you snapped, were impatient, or frustrated—then this episode is for you.

RSD can be really tricky. We’re going to go into that today and really look at the way that it can come out of nowhere. You may not even know that you have RSD. By the end of this episode, you will know—and we’ll also talk about how we can work with it.

Here at ADHD Mums, we don’t just talk about the problem, do we? We all know about the problem. We move through to the practical strategies—to what we can do and how we can live in a way that works for us.

So let’s get into it. This episode is for ADHD mums who feel overwhelmed by emotional intensity. If you want tools or strategies to navigate those heightened reactions, or if you want to understand more about RSD—how to handle it better, how to set boundaries with empathy, and how to model emotional resilience for your kids—this is for you.

Have you ever left a mums’ night, a school meeting, or a family gathering, and as you leave—or later that night—you start replaying conversations in your head? Maybe you send apology messages or leave a voicemail saying sorry. You might lose sleep wondering if anyone’s upset.

I know a lot of people do this. I do it too. I’ll worry about what I said and ask a friend, ‘What did you think about what I said in the meeting? I felt like I shouldn’t have said that.’ And often, my friend will say, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ My sense of what I think might’ve happened in that moment is not what they got.

On the flip side, I’ve had so many friends message or call me to apologize for something they’ve said in a group environment, thinking they offended someone. And often, I don’t even know what they’re talking about. I wonder if, with our ADHD brains, we amplify a minor social moment into a full catastrophe. Does this sound familiar to you?

Let’s unpack why it happens. Sometimes, as ADHD mums, we have an experience of often being the one who’s wrong, feeling left out or excluded. We approach every group setting apologizing in advance, but that’s not healthy—and I don’t think our sense of reality in those moments is what actually happened.

Why does emotional intensity feel like a storm that’s going to overtake our lives? Because with RSD—rejection sensitive dysphoria—even a minor criticism or a perceived rejection can feel deeply personal. It can lead to a shame spiral, a guilt spiral. You may over-apologize, misinterpret intentions, avoid people, or even lose friendships because others don’t understand.

Emotional sensitivity and reactivity are a big part of ADHD. Research shows the limbic system—the brain’s emotional hub—is more active in people with ADHD. We feel emotions more deeply. We react more.

With RSD, a minor criticism or perceived rejection can feel like a deep personal wound, even when it’s not about you. This can really impact parenting and relationships because you can be managing a child’s meltdown while managing your own internal tantrum. Your child’s big emotion can trigger your own. It becomes chaotic because neither of you is emotionally regulated.

When the whole family gets caught in that cycle, it can feel like a house full of emotional chaos. So what can we do about it?

In those moments of emotional intensity, we are not going to have a lot of intelligence because when emotion goes up, intelligence goes down. That’s why it’s important to plan ahead while we are emotionally regulated.

For example, one thing I’ve done is write down responses to things I know will trigger me—like feeling ignored, judged, or not included. Instead of spiraling, I remind myself: maybe they’re distracted, maybe they’re exhausted—it might not be about me.

I have a ‘Rejection Response Plan.’ When an RSD situation flares up, I pause and ask three questions:
Is this fact or assumption?
What evidence supports my belief?
What would I advise my friend to do?

These three questions often pull me out of it because most of the time, there’s no evidence—just assumptions.

Another helpful tool is the 10-minute rule. When my emotions spike, I force myself to wait before responding, emailing, or texting. Because when emotions go up, intelligence goes down. That pause has saved me so many times.

Figure out what grounds you—whether it’s breathing, stretching, colouring, walking, or listening to music. Know what works for you and wait at least 10–20 minutes before reacting.

I’ve learned that what I do in the first 10–20 minutes can be more damaging than the actual event. If you lash out or send an emotional message, you can create more issues than there were to start with.

I think of RSD like a burn—you can make it worse in the first 20 minutes if you react the wrong way. We want to cool it down, not inflame it.

If you need to talk to someone, choose someone who’s calm—not someone who’ll fire you up. Once you’ve calmed down, start to emotionally regulate. Have your tools ready—your yoga mat, your playlist, your quiet corner—so you can access them easily.

Now, let’s talk about scripts for emotional moments with children. One of the biggest challenges for ADHD mums is staying emotionally stable, especially around kids.

This isn’t about guilt. We’ve all said things we regret. This is about reducing the likelihood that we’ll say damaging things. Children don’t leave you alone like adults might, so we need quick scripts to use in those moments.

For example: ‘Let’s take three big breaths together.’ Or, ‘I need a moment to calm down so I can listen to you better.’

I’ve created a calm down area—just a seat outside with a blanket. My children can be near me, but I set boundaries: no talking, no fighting, no noise. It’s my calm space.

Everyone regulates differently. Some need quiet; others need music or movement. Figure out what works for each family member.

If you’ve said things in social situations that you regret, have clarity scripts ready in your phone. Instead of attacking, ask for clarity: ‘When you said I wasn’t invited, it hurt my feelings. Could we talk about it?’ or ‘I noticed you caught up on the weekend and I wasn’t invited—I felt hurt because I always include you. Could you tell me why?’

Asking for clarity isn’t attacking—it’s seeking understanding.

If someone criticizes you, you can say, ‘Thanks for sharing that, I’ll think it over,’ or, ‘I’ll have a think about that and chat later.’

Acknowledge your feelings privately—’That hurt, but it doesn’t define me. I can use it to grow.’

Now, boundary setting. Many ADHD mums people-please to avoid rejection, but lack of boundaries can lead to emotional exhaustion. Setting boundaries protects your energy. For example, instead of saying yes to volunteering immediately, you could say, ‘I’d love to help, but I need to check my schedule first.’

I have a whole episode on boundaries and boundary creep—have a listen if that resonates with you.

Finally, self-compassion. It’s an overused word, but it’s vital. I used to apologize for my personality—that’s really sad to think about now.

Let’s look at emotional intensity as a strength. I’m emotionally intense, which means I deeply care, connect authentically, and bring passion to everything I do. That makes me good at podcasting, advocacy, and friendship.

Instead of berating myself for being ‘too much,’ I channel it into something meaningful.

This isn’t about saying ADHD is a superpower, because it’s hard—but our emotional intensity can serve us.

I also model this for my kids. I’ll say, ‘I’m sorry I got angry earlier. I didn’t handle that well. Can we figure out a better way together?’

Normalize emotional breaks. Teach your family that taking a ‘time in’ is a strength, not a weakness. Emotional kids can grow up to use their empathy and intensity in beautiful ways—in caring professions, psychology, mental health, and advocacy.

We can harness emotional intensity positively. Journal what works—what helps you calm down, what triggers you, what improves your weekends. Learn your emotional patterns, plan, and prepare.

Your emotions are powerful—but they don’t have to control you. With the right tools and self-compassion, you can navigate life with authenticity and strength.

Emotional intensity is not a weakness—it’s a strength when harnessed effectively.

If this episode resonated with you, share it with another mum who needs to hear it. Thank you so much for listening, and I’ll see you next time.

The key message here is: you are not alone.

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