There’s no handbook for this one.

Your child comes home crushed — teary, withdrawn, maybe explosive — and you’re expected to be calm, measured, constructive. Meanwhile, every cell in your body wants to burn the school down or have an honest word with the bully’s parents. That’s not overreacting. That’s your nervous system detecting danger.

For many of us, it’s not just about this incident. It pulls up our own history — the times we were bullied and left unprotected, the promises we made to ourselves that we’d never let our kids go through what we did. Which means we’re not only responding to their pain — we’re also reliving ours.

And the system doesn’t make it easier. Schools often tell parents to “stay calm” and “don’t escalate” while the changes in our kids’ faces, posture, and confidence tell us something isn’t being handled.

Why Bullying Hits Us So Hard as ADHD Mums

• We time-travel — Our nervous system can throw us back into our own childhood trauma in seconds.
• We feel every injustice — Our empathy means their hurt feels like it’s in our own body.
• We fear the worst — From online bullying to physical harm, we know the risks are real.

When emotion goes up, intelligence goes down. That’s not a judgement — it’s neuroscience. If you storm into school while triggered, you’re more likely to be dismissed as the “emotional mum” than seen as a credible advocate.

Step One: Name and Regulate

Before doing anything, name your nervous system state — and your child’s. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. It matters because:

• A freeze/fawn child won’t respond well to “stand up for yourself” strategies.
• A fight child might need calming before they escalate a situation.

Regulation comes before advocacy. Walk, swim, punch a boxing bag, listen to music — whatever brings the emotional temperature down so your frontal lobe (the decision-making part) can come back online.

Step Two: Document Everything

Start a running log in your phone notes:

• Dates, times, locations
• What your child said (their exact words)
• Physical symptoms or behaviour changes
• Staff communication

It’s evidence, but it’s also a sanity anchor. When you advocate, you can speak in specifics, not generalities.

Step Three: Escalate Strategically

• Read your school’s anti-bullying policy.
• Request meetings with key staff.
• Bring a support person if you need one.
• Use policy language and keep everything in writing.

Calm isn’t weakness — it’s a tactic. A fact-based email will always go further than one written mid-rage.

Step Four: Support Without Smothering

Over-asking “Are you okay?” can overwhelm. Instead:

• Validate — “I believe you. This is not your fault.”
• Offer choice — “Do you want me to go to the school or just listen?”
• Respect trust — Breaking confidence without care can shut down future communication.

If you do need to act against their wishes for safety reasons, explain your reasoning and maintain the relationship.

Step Five: Teach Nervous System Anchors

Help them create pockets of safety:

• Predictable after-school rituals
• Safe zones or safe adults at school
• Scripts they can use (“I’m not okay with that”, “I need a break”)
• Body signals (“If my stomach feels tight, I can leave”)

If you want your child to say no in high-stakes situations, they need to practice saying no at home first — and have that respected.

Step Six: Hold the School Accountable

If you keep hearing “We’re handling it,” keep documenting. Use their policy language, ask for updates in writing, and escalate to regional or departmental offices if needed.

Step Seven: Co-Regulate First, Problem-Solve Second

Before you discuss details, regulate both your nervous systems. Then give them back some control by letting them lead the next step. Bullying takes away power — your job is to restore it.

Step Eight: Repair — Theirs and Yours

Your own history matters. Ask yourself:

• Is this about fearing they’ll be invisible like you once felt?
• Is it fear they won’t be protected?
• Is it fear of the worst-case scenario?

Advocating with fire is allowed — but channel it so it works for you, not against you.

The Bottom Line

Bullying isn’t one-size-fits-all. Sometimes it’s exclusion, sometimes it’s relentless harm. Sometimes you just need to keep pressure on the school. Other times it means involving a GP, psychologist, education department, or police.

You’re allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to protect your child. You’re allowed to expect more from the system. The goal isn’t to be silent — it’s to be strategic. Calm in the room, fire in your belly.

You’re the safe parent they need, and you’re not overreacting.

Related Resources:

• Managing Everyday Life Kit – Practical tools for overwhelmed mums
• School Advocacy Kit – Scripts, templates, and legislation for fighting school battles
• Shutdown Kit – Strategies for nervous system overwhelm
• The Bullying Response Kit – Regulate, advocate, and act without getting dismissed or gaslit. Includes clear scripts, evidence tools, and nervous system support for parents dealing with school bullying.

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